This past Christmas was a great one for me and Dotty! We got to spend a lot of time together doing things that are really important to me.
December 23rd we went for a carriage ride through the lights with Presley, Keri, Memaw, Raymond and Linda McCoy, and Ty and Kelly (Knottingham) Smith. I LOVE Christmas lights and that night was very special (except Jake was sick but it was still great). Dotty loves lights too and she is a huge Kelly Knottingham fan! She LOVES her some Kelly!!! Kelly is the one that takes the girls pictures for the Pecan Shed and she has caught some of the best shots of Dotty. (As many of you know my child does not smile for pictures very well. She either looks like she is in pain or her underbite shows up. She gets that photogenic quality from Tony...and he knows it!) Kelly lets Dotty just be herself and she is there to capture Dotty at her best. Plus Kelly has a strong love for animals...something she and Dotty share!
Christmas Eve Dotty and I did presents with the "Montz" side. Papa, Memaw, Keri, and Presley all came over to my house to open gifts with us (Jake was still a bit sickly). The girls didn't fuss or fight (a Christmas miracle) and even showed enough restraint to make it until after lunch to tear through presents. They even took turns opening gifts this year...now that is a gift in and of itself! I got to actually SEE what Dotty got this year instead of ducking and dodging bows and bags when the paper started flying! Later that day since Tony was still working I got to take Dotty with me to Christmas Eve church service. Nothing made me happier than holding my (almost 50 pound) baby girl and listening to her belt out the chorus...
"O come let us adore Him"
...at the top of her lungs! That girl can rock a Christmas carol! Dotty even went down front to sit with the other kids while the preacher talked to them. Dotty has never even been to the church I went to that night before (I have not been many times) but she has no fear! I love that about her!
Then Christmas Eve night I got to sleep next to her and watch her see what Santa had brought her the next morning. (I am so thankful that Tony, Brittany, and I know how important these times are and we are willing to share them with each other. We may not always be able to have "Christmas Eve Sleepovers"...as Brittany says...one of us will someday need a bigger house...but for now it is all about seeing Dotty's face on Christmas morning...and trust me...it was a happy face.)
After Santa gifts...Dotty went with me and Tiffany (Biggs) Seel to deliver fudge and pecans to the firemen that work on Christmas Day. This is my 4th year to do this and to have Dotty along with me was a joy (although she got restless at the end). I want Dotty to see that Christmas is not about what you get...it is always about giving. Firemen are so special to me (I know so many of them and several work for me at the Shed) and so I try to give to them when I can. Plus when Dotty was scared of firemen on a school trip to a fire station I had several firemen friends offer to show her around the station many times so she wouldn't be afraid. They gave of their time...so I like to give of my fudge! :)
Then later on Christmas Day it snowed!!! In Dotty's five short years she has seen TWO white Christmas Days. That is pretty cool. I love snow and getting to be with Dotty on Christmas morning while the snow falls is so wonderful to me.
After Dotty went with Tony I was able to go home and rest...which I so needed. Retail season is hard on me during the holidays but I try never to appear too tired to Dotty. So an extra day or two of rest did my body and my spirits good!
Tony and Brittany also got engaged on Christmas Day! Dotty and I love Brittany so much and I could not have chosen a better person to be my little girl's step-mom. Brittany loves Dotty with all her heart and as Dotty's mom that is all I could ever ask for! I know Dotty is going to make one cute flower girl when she walks down that aisle with her little sister Dylann! So happy for that side of Dotty's family!!!
So Christmas 2012 was one for the record books! My gift was a happy, healthy, and truly loved little girl...who believes in Santa, sneaky elves, angel kisses, and most of all Jesus Christ...the real reason for the season!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Remember Today is a Good Day...
This past Friday was a hard one. With all the violence in the elementary school in Connecticut, I had such a hard time wrapping my mind around the situation. How could someone do something so terrible…to anyone…but especially to children?
Friday was a day when Brittany was supposed to get Dotty from school and I was not going to have Dotty back with me until Sunday afternoon. Thankfully Brittany is an amazing person and mom and she understood when I called to tell her I just needed to see Dotty…if only for a few minutes. Today of all days…I needed to hug and hold my precious child.
So I went to Dotty’s school to get her from class. I let the tears fall all the way there. I thought of all the parents and especially all the mothers who would not get to pick their kids up from school again. It was a thought my heart could not bear. I sobbed…for those that had lost so much. I prayed for their families and for God to hold them in His arms and give them all the comfort He could so they could make it through the next day, hour, minute…moment. I can’t imagine how I would even begin to go on after a tragedy like that.
Before I walked into Dotty’s room I composed myself…wiped my tears…and put on a smile. Dotty would never understand what happened and I didn’t want her to see it written all over my face. (I have always tried to shield Dotty from the bad things in life…whether they were things going wrong in the world as we know it…or in “our little world” as we know it. I have always tried to be strong for her and never let her see me shaken. Now whether or not that mentality is right or wrong I don’t know but it is a rule I have followed. I try to be her rock…steady and strong…always.)
As I grabbed up Dotty for a “hello hug” I just didn’t let go. I carried her all the way to the car (even though she is getting quite heavy at this point). I held her in my arms for some time once I sat her in the car. And the amazing thing was…she let me hold her. She sat so still and quiet and just let me hold her (which as most of you know 5 year olds are busy…they like to move and they like to talk…especially Dotty…she LOVES to talk!). But this time we both just sat in the car holding on to each other in silence.
Then Dotty whispered to me “I could hug you forever.”
Well my rock status waivered. I shed a tear and bit hard on my lip. Then whispered, “I love you more than you will ever know.”
At that point Dotty pulled away and turned back into her typical 5 year old girl self. She rattled on about her pajama day at school…what everyone was wearing…how good the movie was…how much she liked the hot chocolate and popcorn. Then she ended by saying “Today was a good day Momma.”
I sat so still thinking…not for some. Today was the worst day ever for some.
But for my kid…today was a good day. And for me…any day on this earth that I get to know that my kid is happy, healthy, and safe is a good day.
No matter what.
No matter what happens at work. No matter what my checking account says. No matter what the scales say. No matter how I feel physically. No matter what.
I can get bogged down in a million little things that might make me think a day is “not a good day” but no matter what…if Dotty is good…then the day is good.
I have got to remember ALWAYS to not take life…especially the life I share with Dotty…for granted. Not even for a moment. This life is too short as is even if we live to be 100 but it is especially too short if tragedy cuts it short. We are not promised tomorrow and I need to make sure every day is a day I treasure.
I am borrowing this next line from “Hands Free Momma” which is a blog I follow…she wrote…
“While I cannot control what happens once they leave my side, I can control what happens in those sacred minutes before we say good-bye.”
Then she made a point to always stop and hug and kiss her kids before they leave no matter what! No matter if they are late…if it is raining and they are getting soaked…no matter what. She even made a sign with her kindergartener that says “XOXO – Before You Go!” which is now on their back door to remind them to always take the time.
I plan to make one of those signs too. It is always good to remember to tell your kids…and to tell everyone…how much you love them. Because we don’t know when it will be the last time we see them.
I know Friday was a horrible day. I am not trying to say otherwise. It makes me cry just typing this up right now. I can’t imagine such a loss.
But I am always reminded when I hear of any senseless loss of life that I don’t know why things like this happen. But I do know that I need to cherish Dotty more every day. Because every day I have with her is a good day.
Friday was a day when Brittany was supposed to get Dotty from school and I was not going to have Dotty back with me until Sunday afternoon. Thankfully Brittany is an amazing person and mom and she understood when I called to tell her I just needed to see Dotty…if only for a few minutes. Today of all days…I needed to hug and hold my precious child.
So I went to Dotty’s school to get her from class. I let the tears fall all the way there. I thought of all the parents and especially all the mothers who would not get to pick their kids up from school again. It was a thought my heart could not bear. I sobbed…for those that had lost so much. I prayed for their families and for God to hold them in His arms and give them all the comfort He could so they could make it through the next day, hour, minute…moment. I can’t imagine how I would even begin to go on after a tragedy like that.
Before I walked into Dotty’s room I composed myself…wiped my tears…and put on a smile. Dotty would never understand what happened and I didn’t want her to see it written all over my face. (I have always tried to shield Dotty from the bad things in life…whether they were things going wrong in the world as we know it…or in “our little world” as we know it. I have always tried to be strong for her and never let her see me shaken. Now whether or not that mentality is right or wrong I don’t know but it is a rule I have followed. I try to be her rock…steady and strong…always.)
As I grabbed up Dotty for a “hello hug” I just didn’t let go. I carried her all the way to the car (even though she is getting quite heavy at this point). I held her in my arms for some time once I sat her in the car. And the amazing thing was…she let me hold her. She sat so still and quiet and just let me hold her (which as most of you know 5 year olds are busy…they like to move and they like to talk…especially Dotty…she LOVES to talk!). But this time we both just sat in the car holding on to each other in silence.
Then Dotty whispered to me “I could hug you forever.”
Well my rock status waivered. I shed a tear and bit hard on my lip. Then whispered, “I love you more than you will ever know.”
At that point Dotty pulled away and turned back into her typical 5 year old girl self. She rattled on about her pajama day at school…what everyone was wearing…how good the movie was…how much she liked the hot chocolate and popcorn. Then she ended by saying “Today was a good day Momma.”
I sat so still thinking…not for some. Today was the worst day ever for some.
But for my kid…today was a good day. And for me…any day on this earth that I get to know that my kid is happy, healthy, and safe is a good day.
No matter what.
No matter what happens at work. No matter what my checking account says. No matter what the scales say. No matter how I feel physically. No matter what.
I can get bogged down in a million little things that might make me think a day is “not a good day” but no matter what…if Dotty is good…then the day is good.
I have got to remember ALWAYS to not take life…especially the life I share with Dotty…for granted. Not even for a moment. This life is too short as is even if we live to be 100 but it is especially too short if tragedy cuts it short. We are not promised tomorrow and I need to make sure every day is a day I treasure.
I am borrowing this next line from “Hands Free Momma” which is a blog I follow…she wrote…
“While I cannot control what happens once they leave my side, I can control what happens in those sacred minutes before we say good-bye.”
Then she made a point to always stop and hug and kiss her kids before they leave no matter what! No matter if they are late…if it is raining and they are getting soaked…no matter what. She even made a sign with her kindergartener that says “XOXO – Before You Go!” which is now on their back door to remind them to always take the time.
I plan to make one of those signs too. It is always good to remember to tell your kids…and to tell everyone…how much you love them. Because we don’t know when it will be the last time we see them.
I know Friday was a horrible day. I am not trying to say otherwise. It makes me cry just typing this up right now. I can’t imagine such a loss.
But I am always reminded when I hear of any senseless loss of life that I don’t know why things like this happen. But I do know that I need to cherish Dotty more every day. Because every day I have with her is a good day.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Dotty's Gang
A great man passed away on Thursday, November 22nd. He was great in a lot of ways…one of them being that he was Dotty’s great-grandfather. J.B. Nichols…known lovingly as “Gang” to his family…passed away at the age of 88. He lived a good life and had been remarkably healthy until the last few months.
Gang was a man of few words. He was the kind of person that would simply sit and listen. But mind you he WAS listening…to every word. And when he needed to say something he would say it. But he was a great listener. I spent several afternoons on the front porch with Granny and Gang. Granny likes to talk (as do I) but Gang was always pretty quiet. He would make a comment every now and then but he listened mostly. Gang was a great example of how you can say very little yet still say so much. Because Gang wasn’t much of a talker when he did talk people would listen.
I tend to talk a lot. I have a habit of trying to fill quiet voids with words. But when I was with Gang I never felt a need to talk just to fill up the silence. Sitting next to him without talking was never awkward or unsettling. In fact, it was quite calming and peaceful. Gang put me at ease. I found myself breathing easier around him. The weight of having to “talk” was lifted. I could just “be” and that was enough.
I have many great moments of watching Granny and Gang at Byers ball games. Neither yelled too much (or really at all by the time I knew them) but both watched with great interest and even greater joy. I was able to take Granny and Gang to a few out of town games and I listened to them talk about the games from many years ago…when Howard and Jay Ann played…Lisa, Julie, Tony, Jarrod…all of them. Both Granny and Gang loved sports and they particularly loved Byers basketball.
Occasionally, if I was home alone for lunch, I would take Granny and Gang to eat at either the Café or the Gin. One day in early February 2007 we were down at the Gin eating lunch and Gang out of the blue looked right at me and said “You need to have a little girl.” Now at this point Tony and I knew I was pregnant but we hadn’t told anyone and we of course did not know if it was a boy or a girl (in fact we never found out the sex of the baby until Dotty was born…that killed Tony but it was my choice). Well needless to say I froze in panic thinking “he can read it all over my face”. Then I laughed nervously and said “maybe someday”. Well that someday came on September 8, 2007 when Dotty Marie Nichols was born. Gang was right…I needed to have a little girl.
I remember a few days after I got home from the hospital and I saw a shadow moving outside of my house. I walked to the window to see who was lurking around and it was Gang…he was watering my flowers. I picked up Dotty and walked out on to the porch. I thanked Gang for watering for me and he just said “they looked thirsty”. I asked if he wanted to hold Dotty and he said “no…I will just look at her”. And he did…for a long time…with a smile on his face.
Many afternoons after Dotty was born I felt like the walls to the house in Byers were closing in on me. It was on those afternoons that I would take Dotty over to visit Granny and Gang. When Dotty was little I would bundle her up for the short walk through our back yard, behind the Methodist church, and across the street to Granny and Gang’s house…it was probably barely over 100 yards from my backdoor their front door. As Dotty got older she would wobble and weave her way on chubby, shaky toddler legs. Then when she got older she had her mini pink 4-wheeler she would get on and burn rubber all the way there (well as much rubber as she could burn using the juice from the battery pack that was all the horsepower the mini 4-wheeler could generate).
We might have stayed an hour…we might have stayed only about 10 minutes…but each visit was well worth it to me! Gang didn’t want to hold Dotty much but he would watch her closely when she was a baby. As she got bigger and could “play” more, Gang would drag out every toy in the house he thought Dotty might want. (I just knew the moment that we left Gang, Granny, or both would trip over some toy I missed when I tried to put them all back up.) Dotty LOVED those afternoons and so did I…and so did Granny and Gang! I don’t think I would have made it through the first two years of Dotty’s life without going to see Granny and Gang on regular occasions.
Of course the memory that makes me crack up the most is the one involving a stack of books I gave to Gang. Gang LOVED to read! And he read A LOT! I was always giving him books to read but I never could keep him stocked up. Sometimes Gang would read and entire book in one afternoon!!! Well, one day I had been helping my mom clean out stuff at her house. She was going through a lot of her old books and told me to take them to Gang. I didn’t really look at what they were because Gang would read ANYTHING! I just dropped the books off at his house and told him to enjoy.
A few days later we were visiting and Gang told me he was done with the books and I could give them to someone else. On top of the stack I noticed the book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. I smiled slightly and picked up the book. Then I said, “I have never read this book.” Gang paused for a moment, looked at me and said “Don’t.” I laughed until my sides hurt!!!
I have so many truly great and wonderful memories about Gang. He loved his vegetable garden. He would talk to me about pecans. We spent 4th of July over at their house. We had many yard sales in their front yard. Of course I know the Nichols family has many, MANY more stories and memories than I have but I treasure the ones that I got to be a part of.
Gang was a great man. I am thankful for my time with him as well as for the fact that Dotty was old enough that she will remember him.
At the funeral, Dotty had me take her by the casket and she looked long and hard at Gang. She didn’t cry but she looked at him with a somber face. Later that night I noticed two new freckles on Dotty. I have always told her freckles were “angel kisses”. When I pointed out the new little brown dots my sweet baby girl just paused for a moment and said, “It must have been Gang kissing me good-bye. He loved me a lot.”
Fighting back tears I simply said, “Yes he did.”
Gang was a man of few words. He was the kind of person that would simply sit and listen. But mind you he WAS listening…to every word. And when he needed to say something he would say it. But he was a great listener. I spent several afternoons on the front porch with Granny and Gang. Granny likes to talk (as do I) but Gang was always pretty quiet. He would make a comment every now and then but he listened mostly. Gang was a great example of how you can say very little yet still say so much. Because Gang wasn’t much of a talker when he did talk people would listen.
I tend to talk a lot. I have a habit of trying to fill quiet voids with words. But when I was with Gang I never felt a need to talk just to fill up the silence. Sitting next to him without talking was never awkward or unsettling. In fact, it was quite calming and peaceful. Gang put me at ease. I found myself breathing easier around him. The weight of having to “talk” was lifted. I could just “be” and that was enough.
I have many great moments of watching Granny and Gang at Byers ball games. Neither yelled too much (or really at all by the time I knew them) but both watched with great interest and even greater joy. I was able to take Granny and Gang to a few out of town games and I listened to them talk about the games from many years ago…when Howard and Jay Ann played…Lisa, Julie, Tony, Jarrod…all of them. Both Granny and Gang loved sports and they particularly loved Byers basketball.
Occasionally, if I was home alone for lunch, I would take Granny and Gang to eat at either the Café or the Gin. One day in early February 2007 we were down at the Gin eating lunch and Gang out of the blue looked right at me and said “You need to have a little girl.” Now at this point Tony and I knew I was pregnant but we hadn’t told anyone and we of course did not know if it was a boy or a girl (in fact we never found out the sex of the baby until Dotty was born…that killed Tony but it was my choice). Well needless to say I froze in panic thinking “he can read it all over my face”. Then I laughed nervously and said “maybe someday”. Well that someday came on September 8, 2007 when Dotty Marie Nichols was born. Gang was right…I needed to have a little girl.
I remember a few days after I got home from the hospital and I saw a shadow moving outside of my house. I walked to the window to see who was lurking around and it was Gang…he was watering my flowers. I picked up Dotty and walked out on to the porch. I thanked Gang for watering for me and he just said “they looked thirsty”. I asked if he wanted to hold Dotty and he said “no…I will just look at her”. And he did…for a long time…with a smile on his face.
Many afternoons after Dotty was born I felt like the walls to the house in Byers were closing in on me. It was on those afternoons that I would take Dotty over to visit Granny and Gang. When Dotty was little I would bundle her up for the short walk through our back yard, behind the Methodist church, and across the street to Granny and Gang’s house…it was probably barely over 100 yards from my backdoor their front door. As Dotty got older she would wobble and weave her way on chubby, shaky toddler legs. Then when she got older she had her mini pink 4-wheeler she would get on and burn rubber all the way there (well as much rubber as she could burn using the juice from the battery pack that was all the horsepower the mini 4-wheeler could generate).
We might have stayed an hour…we might have stayed only about 10 minutes…but each visit was well worth it to me! Gang didn’t want to hold Dotty much but he would watch her closely when she was a baby. As she got bigger and could “play” more, Gang would drag out every toy in the house he thought Dotty might want. (I just knew the moment that we left Gang, Granny, or both would trip over some toy I missed when I tried to put them all back up.) Dotty LOVED those afternoons and so did I…and so did Granny and Gang! I don’t think I would have made it through the first two years of Dotty’s life without going to see Granny and Gang on regular occasions.
Of course the memory that makes me crack up the most is the one involving a stack of books I gave to Gang. Gang LOVED to read! And he read A LOT! I was always giving him books to read but I never could keep him stocked up. Sometimes Gang would read and entire book in one afternoon!!! Well, one day I had been helping my mom clean out stuff at her house. She was going through a lot of her old books and told me to take them to Gang. I didn’t really look at what they were because Gang would read ANYTHING! I just dropped the books off at his house and told him to enjoy.
A few days later we were visiting and Gang told me he was done with the books and I could give them to someone else. On top of the stack I noticed the book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. I smiled slightly and picked up the book. Then I said, “I have never read this book.” Gang paused for a moment, looked at me and said “Don’t.” I laughed until my sides hurt!!!
I have so many truly great and wonderful memories about Gang. He loved his vegetable garden. He would talk to me about pecans. We spent 4th of July over at their house. We had many yard sales in their front yard. Of course I know the Nichols family has many, MANY more stories and memories than I have but I treasure the ones that I got to be a part of.
Gang was a great man. I am thankful for my time with him as well as for the fact that Dotty was old enough that she will remember him.
At the funeral, Dotty had me take her by the casket and she looked long and hard at Gang. She didn’t cry but she looked at him with a somber face. Later that night I noticed two new freckles on Dotty. I have always told her freckles were “angel kisses”. When I pointed out the new little brown dots my sweet baby girl just paused for a moment and said, “It must have been Gang kissing me good-bye. He loved me a lot.”
Fighting back tears I simply said, “Yes he did.”
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
5 Years Ago Today...
Five years ago today I was pregnant...WAY pregnant! I was about to POP pregnant. Five years ago today I had no idea if I was having a boy or a girl...I just knew that whatever it was...I was ready for it to be OUT. OF. ME!
I think I made Tony take to me to the hospital at least 2 times druing my pregnancy...and two times I got sent home. I know I went in on September 6th...I was having contractions but unfortunately those contractions were not doing anything other than causing me pain! They sent me home...again...that makes three!
September 7th is my niece Presley's birthday and I was bound and determined NOT to have my baby on that day...I didn't want the cousins to have to share a birthday (in hindsight...that might have been the easier route to go).
I sat at home all day on the 7th...the U.S. Open tennis tournament was on. I had a notebook beside me keeping track of my random contractions. Mom had come over to sit with me while Tony was at school. She stared at me all day long. A part of me wanted to just yell at her to go away (hormones talking)...a part of me wanted to cry and ask her to make it ALL go away (hormones talking again). So instead I sat in silence for most of the day.
I was nervous. I knew I was getting close and I was scared about labor and delivery. I was scared about epidural needles. I was scared I was not going to be able to endure labor...even with the drugs I was already planning on asking for the minute they admitted me.
I was scared about becoming a mom...my baby's mom. Actually, I was flat out terrified.
That night I endured pain...lots of pain. Pain that made me want to break several 2x4s in half. Pain that made me want to kick Adam's and Eve's hindquarters for eating those stupid apples!
In the early morning hours I woke up Tony and said "Let's go." Of course, he had heard that before. But this time I was not leaving the hospital without a baby or a portable morphine drip...one of the two!
Well thank the Lord above...they did let me stay this time. At 5:55pm on September 8, 2007 I found out I was a mom to a little 6 pound 9 ounce girl...we named her Dotty. With one look at her she stole my heart forever. She let out a loud cry and I let out a sigh of relief...her lungs seemed fine (in the coming months and years those lungs have proven to be more than fine...they are exceptional).
To this day I am amazed they let me take her home. I mean they didn't run a background check...make me answer a true/false test...or even ask me if I knew how to work the diaper disposer thing I had registered for and gotten a month before at my shower! They just checked the carseat...we signed some papers...they checked her wristband...my wristband...and off we went. I mean you have to do more to get a Sam's card!!! They just let anyone have a baby and then take that baby home! CRAZY!!!
I will be honest and say the first two years were tough...the third year came with lots of new challenges...the fourth year things were starting to seem right...and this last year has been the best of all.
Dotty is the joy of my life! She is the reason I do everything I do. She makes me want to be a better Mom...a better person. She is my everything.
Dotty has brought me so much joy that I could never express it all. Oh there have been times I have had to get on to her...I have had to put her in time out...I have had to take away a toy...I have had to spank her tushie. But there have been way more laughs than tears...way more smiles than frowns...way more kisses than "I mean it" stares.
Dotty is about to be five in a few short days. For the last five years I have found I could love more than I ever dreamed possible...I discovered my parents were right when they said, "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" right before I got a spanking when I was little (I didn't realize how smart my parents were until I became a parent)...I found out amazing things come in small packages...I learned to love stick people drawings, sticky fingers, and sticks found on the ground that were turned into magic wands...I found my best friend has blue eyes, loves chicken nuggets, and calls me Momma...I found out that the last person I think about before I go to sleep and the first person I think about when I wake up is the person I met on September 8, 2007 at 5:55pm.
Dotty Marie Nichols changed my world when she came in it...and for that I will always be grateful to God.
I think I made Tony take to me to the hospital at least 2 times druing my pregnancy...and two times I got sent home. I know I went in on September 6th...I was having contractions but unfortunately those contractions were not doing anything other than causing me pain! They sent me home...again...that makes three!
September 7th is my niece Presley's birthday and I was bound and determined NOT to have my baby on that day...I didn't want the cousins to have to share a birthday (in hindsight...that might have been the easier route to go).
I sat at home all day on the 7th...the U.S. Open tennis tournament was on. I had a notebook beside me keeping track of my random contractions. Mom had come over to sit with me while Tony was at school. She stared at me all day long. A part of me wanted to just yell at her to go away (hormones talking)...a part of me wanted to cry and ask her to make it ALL go away (hormones talking again). So instead I sat in silence for most of the day.
I was nervous. I knew I was getting close and I was scared about labor and delivery. I was scared about epidural needles. I was scared I was not going to be able to endure labor...even with the drugs I was already planning on asking for the minute they admitted me.
I was scared about becoming a mom...my baby's mom. Actually, I was flat out terrified.
That night I endured pain...lots of pain. Pain that made me want to break several 2x4s in half. Pain that made me want to kick Adam's and Eve's hindquarters for eating those stupid apples!
In the early morning hours I woke up Tony and said "Let's go." Of course, he had heard that before. But this time I was not leaving the hospital without a baby or a portable morphine drip...one of the two!
Well thank the Lord above...they did let me stay this time. At 5:55pm on September 8, 2007 I found out I was a mom to a little 6 pound 9 ounce girl...we named her Dotty. With one look at her she stole my heart forever. She let out a loud cry and I let out a sigh of relief...her lungs seemed fine (in the coming months and years those lungs have proven to be more than fine...they are exceptional).
To this day I am amazed they let me take her home. I mean they didn't run a background check...make me answer a true/false test...or even ask me if I knew how to work the diaper disposer thing I had registered for and gotten a month before at my shower! They just checked the carseat...we signed some papers...they checked her wristband...my wristband...and off we went. I mean you have to do more to get a Sam's card!!! They just let anyone have a baby and then take that baby home! CRAZY!!!
I will be honest and say the first two years were tough...the third year came with lots of new challenges...the fourth year things were starting to seem right...and this last year has been the best of all.
Dotty is the joy of my life! She is the reason I do everything I do. She makes me want to be a better Mom...a better person. She is my everything.
Dotty has brought me so much joy that I could never express it all. Oh there have been times I have had to get on to her...I have had to put her in time out...I have had to take away a toy...I have had to spank her tushie. But there have been way more laughs than tears...way more smiles than frowns...way more kisses than "I mean it" stares.
Dotty is about to be five in a few short days. For the last five years I have found I could love more than I ever dreamed possible...I discovered my parents were right when they said, "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" right before I got a spanking when I was little (I didn't realize how smart my parents were until I became a parent)...I found out amazing things come in small packages...I learned to love stick people drawings, sticky fingers, and sticks found on the ground that were turned into magic wands...I found my best friend has blue eyes, loves chicken nuggets, and calls me Momma...I found out that the last person I think about before I go to sleep and the first person I think about when I wake up is the person I met on September 8, 2007 at 5:55pm.
Dotty Marie Nichols changed my world when she came in it...and for that I will always be grateful to God.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Be Careful What You Say...You Might Hear it Again
Let me start this post by saying I know I am not the world's best mom. I know some days I am better than others. And I know that each day, each moment is a chance for me to do better!
Now let me give you some background information. Dotty used to be a very poor sleeper. Any of you that know me or my child well will know that she did not sleep through the night until she was 3 years old and even for many, many months after that she still woke up several times a night (like 3+). Needless to say I was VERY sleep deprived!
When Dotty goes to sleep at night I lay down with her, read books, sing a song, then pat her until she (or I) fall asleep. Back in the day when sleep was a scarce commodity I tended to be a very tired momma with a very short fuse by 9pm. I was exhausted and needed those few precious hours of sleep I got off and on through the night. Many times I would get on to Dotty if she wiggled too much or played with her toys in bed or just simply would not go to sleep.
Last night the words I said to Dotty (and sadly the tone I would say them in) came back to haunt me.
By the way...Dotty has gotten much better at sleeping through the night...it is pure heaven let me tell you!!!)
Last night we snuggled in to do our routine. I got out of the bed for a minute then when I was climbing back in to start the "patting process" Dotty said something to me that made me laugh at first then made me sad very quickly after that.
Dotty said, "Momma get still! If you keep wiggling around while I am trying to go to sleep I am going to sleep in your room!"
(That used to be my threat for Dotty...that if she did not get still I was going to sleep in my room and she would have to fall asleep all by herself.)
I started to laugh at how she was mimicking me...then reality set it. Dotty went on to say, "I mean it Momma...I will go to your room and sleep and you will be in here all alone and you will cry yourself to sleep."
My heart broke. Now I know I never said those words to her ever...but that is what she must have thought about my threat...that I would leave her and she would be all alone and she would cry.
Wow! Talk about a reality check.
My laughter was now long forgotten...I realized that Dotty had pegged me exactly. The nights when I would say that to her in such a harsh tone were some pretty tough nights but they didn't justify my behavior.
I slowly pulled Dotty to me and in the dark I doubt she could see the tears run down my face. I said to her, "Dotty...I am so sorry I spoke to you that way in the past when I was very tired and very grouchy. You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. I love you. I love you...so much! Can you forgive me?"
With a yawn she said..."I forgive you Momma. We have to learn to be nicer to each other." I agreed with her and kissed her sweet face. Then I patted her to sleep...which only took a matter of minutes.
I stayed awake a long time after that...thinking what a terrible mother I was. Then I remembered...I am human...I make mistakes...I did ask Dotty for forgiveness and now I had to forgive myself. I prayed to God to forgive me for treating Dotty so gruffly in the past. I prayed for patience...and I prayed for the opportunity to be patient.
I am not saying I won't ever lose my temper in the future...but I do hope that it will take much more than a wiggly little girl to cause me to lose my patience. I also don't plan to let Dotty get away with everything in the future but I will learn to talk calmly and rationally more often than loudly and in an angry tone. No parent is perfect. I know that.
I was raised by imperfect parents...who loved me more than life itself. I don't blame them for any "failures" they might have had as parents. All I remember (mostly) is the adoring love they gave me every day.
That's what I hope Dotty will remember from these early years and from now on. I also hope I remember the love that Dotty and I share. And I hope I learn from the lessons God puts in front of me. Sometimes when God speaks He whispers...and sometimes He sounds a lot like my four year old little girl.
Now let me give you some background information. Dotty used to be a very poor sleeper. Any of you that know me or my child well will know that she did not sleep through the night until she was 3 years old and even for many, many months after that she still woke up several times a night (like 3+). Needless to say I was VERY sleep deprived!
When Dotty goes to sleep at night I lay down with her, read books, sing a song, then pat her until she (or I) fall asleep. Back in the day when sleep was a scarce commodity I tended to be a very tired momma with a very short fuse by 9pm. I was exhausted and needed those few precious hours of sleep I got off and on through the night. Many times I would get on to Dotty if she wiggled too much or played with her toys in bed or just simply would not go to sleep.
Last night the words I said to Dotty (and sadly the tone I would say them in) came back to haunt me.
By the way...Dotty has gotten much better at sleeping through the night...it is pure heaven let me tell you!!!)
Last night we snuggled in to do our routine. I got out of the bed for a minute then when I was climbing back in to start the "patting process" Dotty said something to me that made me laugh at first then made me sad very quickly after that.
Dotty said, "Momma get still! If you keep wiggling around while I am trying to go to sleep I am going to sleep in your room!"
(That used to be my threat for Dotty...that if she did not get still I was going to sleep in my room and she would have to fall asleep all by herself.)
I started to laugh at how she was mimicking me...then reality set it. Dotty went on to say, "I mean it Momma...I will go to your room and sleep and you will be in here all alone and you will cry yourself to sleep."
My heart broke. Now I know I never said those words to her ever...but that is what she must have thought about my threat...that I would leave her and she would be all alone and she would cry.
Wow! Talk about a reality check.
My laughter was now long forgotten...I realized that Dotty had pegged me exactly. The nights when I would say that to her in such a harsh tone were some pretty tough nights but they didn't justify my behavior.
I slowly pulled Dotty to me and in the dark I doubt she could see the tears run down my face. I said to her, "Dotty...I am so sorry I spoke to you that way in the past when I was very tired and very grouchy. You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. I love you. I love you...so much! Can you forgive me?"
With a yawn she said..."I forgive you Momma. We have to learn to be nicer to each other." I agreed with her and kissed her sweet face. Then I patted her to sleep...which only took a matter of minutes.
I stayed awake a long time after that...thinking what a terrible mother I was. Then I remembered...I am human...I make mistakes...I did ask Dotty for forgiveness and now I had to forgive myself. I prayed to God to forgive me for treating Dotty so gruffly in the past. I prayed for patience...and I prayed for the opportunity to be patient.
I am not saying I won't ever lose my temper in the future...but I do hope that it will take much more than a wiggly little girl to cause me to lose my patience. I also don't plan to let Dotty get away with everything in the future but I will learn to talk calmly and rationally more often than loudly and in an angry tone. No parent is perfect. I know that.
I was raised by imperfect parents...who loved me more than life itself. I don't blame them for any "failures" they might have had as parents. All I remember (mostly) is the adoring love they gave me every day.
That's what I hope Dotty will remember from these early years and from now on. I also hope I remember the love that Dotty and I share. And I hope I learn from the lessons God puts in front of me. Sometimes when God speaks He whispers...and sometimes He sounds a lot like my four year old little girl.
Monday, May 28, 2012
A morning with Dotty...
This morning Dotty and I were playing with "window markers" (thanks to Memaw). We were sitting by the front door coloring on the glass door as the sunshine came through. I was telling Dotty the story of how Tony and I came up with her name (she likes that story). Dotty is named after Tony's grandmother Dorothy Nichols and my grandmother Wanda Marie Montz...hence Dotty Marie Nichols. Dotty stopped and said, "Your Grandma never got to see me did she Momma?" I said, "No...she didn't." (My Grandma passed away in 1995.) Then Dotty said, "I bet she would have liked me." I said, "She would have LOVED you." Then Dotty said, "But she knows me. She knows I am your little girl." Well the tears started to pool in the corners of my eyes. Then Dotty put her little hand under my chin and lifted my face to the sunlight. She said, "Look up into the sky...tell your Grandma you love her." It was so hard to say the words because I was so choked up with tears...but as tears streamed down my face I said, "I love you Grandma." Then Dotty smiled and said, "I bet she is smiling and so happy in Heaven." I have no doubt that Grandma is. I know my Grandma would have LOVED to have seen Dotty...Grandma loved little girls...mainly because her life was filled with so many boys...girls were a rare thing for her. She had all boys and all grandsons except for me. Grandma loved to dress me in frilly dresses and she loved to curl my hair up in sponge rollers and she loved to watch me twirl around when I was all dolled up and ready to go. Every time I see Dotty twirl around in a dress I feel a tug on my heart. Sometimes I think God uses the innocence of children to remind us of His love. This morning was such a sweet and touching moment between me and Dotty...one I will treasure forever.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Mother's Night at SLP 2012
Thursday night was "Mother's Night" at Dotty's school. Again I was a little sad that it would be her last Mom's Night at SLP but I was determined to enjoy every minute of it. The whole night went well. We had our pictures made. We painted. We had "music class". We made wind chimes. I am telling you...Mrs. Grace and Mrs. Connie packed the night full of things to do!
Then the night ended with us going into the "snack room" for some cookies that the kids had made themselves. Our tables were set with drawings the kids had made for each mom. Dotty had drawn me and her and lots of flowers...because she knows how much I love flowers!!
The children were also asked some questions in which the answers were written on the picture as well. Here are some of the questions and Dotty's answers to them.
**Where does your mom work?
Pecan Shed (although Dotty spelled it Shop)
**What does your mom like to drink?
Dr. Pepper (which is sort of true)
**What is her favorite color?
Yellow (yes...I like yellow and since Belle is my favorite princess Dotty has dubbed yellow as my favorite color)
**What does your mom eat?
Whip Cream and Carrots (I do not like carrots and I don't know the last time I had whip cream on anything)
**If your mom was an animal which one would she be?
Elephant (I am hoping that is because Dotty loves elephants)
**What would you like to give your mom?
A yellow zebra (most kids said...hugs and kisses...Dotty explained to me it would be harder to find a yellow zebra so that means I would like it more)
**How does your mom show you she loves you?
She washes my sheets so they are very clean (other kids wrote things like...she dances with me...she tells me she loves me...apparently I show love with Wisk and a washing machine)
The last question was the best...and always is...
**How old is your mom?
Now let me say that when Dotty was 2 she said I was 2...last year she said I was 4...this year she said...
52....
Yep! I went from 4 to 52 in 12 months time!
Everyone at the table laughed (mainly because all their kids had kept them under 20).
I asked Dotty...How old do you think Daddy is?
She said...52
I asked...How old do you think Memaw, Papa, Nana, and Papa are?
She said...200
I asked...How old do you think Brittany is?
She said...14
I stopped asking her any more questions! LOL!!!
The good news is AARP should be sending me stuff in the mail any day now!
All jokes aside...I had a fabulous time with Dotty! My baby has grown up so fast. We started SLP in February of 2010 when Dotty was just 2 years old. Back then she was still in diapers, she cried when I left, and at our first "Mother's Night" she wanted me to hold her the entire time. Now at 4 years old she is potty trained (thank goodness), barely tells me good bye when I drop her off at school, and at this last Mother's Night she was so busy socializing with her friends I was left to watch in amazement how much my little girl has grown and changed in just a short time. My oh my...2 1/2 years flew by! I am so proud of Dotty. She has grown into a great little girl. I can't wait to see what the future holds!
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