Sooooo...it wasn't so bad afterall...

The best thing about the first day of school is it is so hectic and crazy that if you get caught up in the whirlwind of new clothes, shoes, and backpacks...taking pics in the backyard with the cute signs...without the cute signs...funny pics...serious pics...the "I have had enough" pics...getting all the school forms signed...taking pics by the car (because that is what Memaw did to Mommy every year)...running late...forgetting the name tag...taking pics outside the school...inside the school...in the hallway...

When it comes time to actually do the "have a great day...you will be great" part...it is hard to get all emotional...

Combine that with my kiddo who was so excited about meeting new friends, seeing new classrooms, and just experiencing everything about Kindergarten that she could barely hug and kiss me good-bye...

The end result is a Mom who could cry if I really sat and thought about it...but after seeing all of Dotty's excitement I chose to be excited instead of sad.

I am so thankful I am raising an independent, self-confident, fun loving, life living, friend making, risk taking, no fear kind of girl.

She is so amazing.

As I watched her take it all in today...and as I saw her so excited to start this new adventure...I couldn't help but bust with pride.

My Dotty has always been so full of life and has a true joy for living it...and that includes going off to Kindergarten.

So how can a Mom cry over something as wonderful as that?!?! Truth is...you just can't help but smile! :)

The Night Before Kindergarten

Tomorrow will be Dotty's first day of Kindergarten at Iowa Park Kidwell Elementary.

Where did the last 5 (almost 6) years go?!?!

I swear I can still remember the night before Dotty was born. I was nervous...excited...and ready!

Tonight once again...I am nervous...excited...but I am not sure if I am ready.

As a mother I can't help but worry about Dotty...it is what we mothers do best I think. I worry she will not find her way around school. I worry she will not make any new friends (although if I were being totally honest my child could make friends with a rock so this is really not that big of a worry). I worry a kid might be mean to her. I worry she might be mean to a kid. I worry she will miss me. I worry she won't miss me. I worry she will struggle. I worry she will not challenge herself enough. I worry she will get hurt, get sick, get tired, or even worse...get a boyfriend!!! I worry about ALL of it and more!

Then again I think of all the moms, dads, and folks in general that don't get to have this night...for one reason or another...and I thank God for the opportunity to worry about my child's first day of Kindergarten. I thank God for every moment of every day for the gift that is my Dotty.

Tomorrow will be both a happy and sad day...for me...and a day of new beginnings for both of us. Tomorrow I will watch Dotty head into a classroom to start school...and I will watch her do that year after year for many years...God willing.

Tomorrow I will smile and take pictures (too many for Dotty I have no doubts)...I will wish her luck and tell her she will do great...I will tell her to have fun and that I will see her soon. I will do all this without a crack in my voice...without a tear in my eye...without a single sign of sadness.

Then I will go back to my car and I will cry my eyes out. I will cry tears of sadness for my baby not being a baby anymore...for years gone by too fast...and for all the times I didn't pause to bask in the blessing that comes with each child. And I will cry tears of joy...for having a happy, healthy Kindergartner. I will cry as all proud mommas cry when their hearts burst with pride. I will cry for both Dotty and me...for the journey we have made so far and for the one still ahead of us.

Simply put...I am going to do one of those "ugly cries"...and I have no doubts it will not be pretty.

And when the time comes to pick her up at the end of her day...once again I will have a smile on my face and there will be no sign of tears. Because that is what moms do. Moms hold it together when we need to...and we let it all out when we have time to...we are both strong and weak...but we know there is a time and place for both.

Some day I will tell Dotty about how hard it was to let her go to Kindergarten...perhaps when she is about to send her own child off for the first day of school...but whenever the time comes it will be a long time in the future...because tomorrow is a day to celebrate.

Tomorrow Dotty reaches a milestone...one of many!

In honor of "My Brittany"...one of the best stepmoms I know...

Today I want to give a special tribute to Brittany. She and Tony are getting married today and thus she will "officially" be Dotty's stepmom. But Brittany has been more than just a stepmom to Dotty for a long time now.

For a while when people would ask Dotty who Brittany was in relation to Dotty...Dotty would simply reply "My Brittany".

Several times when Dotty had "Mom's Night" or "Dad's Night" at school Dotty would ask me "When is there going to be a "Brittany's Night?"

Dotty has loved Brittany from the beginning...and to this Mom's joy and delight...the feeling is absolutely reciprocated on Brittany's end.

Brittany has always shown Dotty unconditional love and that is all I could ever ask for from anyone who is in my child's life.

But on top of that...Brittany has also shown me unconditional love...not to mention respect and friendship. Brittany never tries to be "the mom" to Dotty. She has never once stepped on my toes when it comes to parenting choices or decisions. She always keeps me in the loop. She is so supportive of the non-traditional co-parenting relationship Tony and I have and best of all...Brittany is the sweetest thing on earth.

I always say if I had met her earlier in life we would have been good friends...luckily we are now good friends AND parents to Dotty.

I know we five (Tony, Brittany, Dylann, Dotty, and me) make quite a sight sometimes...and no doubts many people wonder how we make all this work. The fact is...we choose to make it work and one of the main reasons it works is because Brittany is so great.

Today Dotty will be one of the cutest flower girls on earth (her and Dylann will share this title).

While today is very special...I must say that Brittany has always been very special to me.

I wish Tony and Brittany nothing but the best...and a long and happy marriage. I know Dotty is one lucky girl to be loved by so many...especially by "her Brittany".

Just call me...

I have been called a lot of names in life...

At birth I was named Jill Pepper Montz.
My Grandma Montz liked to throw in an extra name on occasions when I was in a bit of trouble referring to me as Jill Pepper Marie Montz (her middle name).
Lots of my friends call me Pepper or Pep.
In sports sometimes I was just called Montz.
My uncle refers to me as JP.
My Dad likes to call me Sugar Pie.
In the past I have been called Sweetheart, Sugar, Sweets, Darling, Little Lady, and a few others by customers...some of them got away with calling me those names...some of them got corrected depending on how they said it.
Back in my hay day of sorts I got called names like Gorgeous and Beautiful from time to time.
Then there were those who were not so fond of me and I won't repeat the names they used.

But over the last few years I have been loving referred to many times by children (and even some adults) as Dotty's Mom.

This name above all others brings the biggest smile to my face and to my heart. I love to be known as Dotty's Mom.

Most importantly though...I love to simply be Momma.

When I hear that sweet voice of Dotty call out Momma...it is like music to my ears. (Of course when we are trying to get ready in the mornings and I hear MOMMA being shrieked at an octave only dogs and I can hear...for the 100th time in only 15 minutes...I do tend to think of the sound as less soothing than other times.)

Overall though I love to hear Momma being called out...whether it is to show me a drawing, to help her down from the trampoline, to kiss a boo boo better, to see a heart shaped rock, to calm her fears at night, to dance with her, to sing with her, to just be near her...being Dotty's Momma is the best name I ever got.

And it is a name I will forever be called.

Mother Knows Best...

"Dotty don't slide on those pillows across the kitchen floor. You are going to fall and bust your head open."
No busted head but a hard fall on the tushie.

"Dotty don't climb on your cardboard table. It isn't stable and it will fall over."
The table didn't fall but Dotty did...and almost through the window.

"Dotty don't walk on the foot rest of the recliner. It will not hold you and when your leg falls in it will close on it and that will hurt."
Mom in shower...Dotty screaming...Mom runs out of shower...Dotty's leg is caught in recliner...no breaks but a minor heart attack was reported.

"Dotty don't touch the end of the sparkler. It will burn you." - Tony said this one.
Burnt finger....check!

Why is it that kids just HAVE to try to do things even though we as parents tell them not to?!?!

Do they think we just don't want them to have fun?
Do they think we are being mean?
Do they think we are stupid?

I just worry some day I am going to be saying "Dotty don't drive too fast" or "Dotty don't text and drive" or "Dotty don't go to that party" or Dotty don't date that boy" or "Dotty don't jump off that cliff"

And she is not going to obey me and it will be too late.

I WORRY ABOUT THAT!!!

I know as parents we have to give them wings but sometimes I think I have given birth to a dumb bird...God love her!!!

Dotty just seems to feel the need to see for herself...to try it out. Tony says she isn't listening to us but I think she hears us...she just doesn't want to obey us.

A part of me wants my child to have an adventurous heart...to try new things...to have no fear...to seek challenges and rise to the occasions.
But a part of me wants to put her in a pink, padded bubble!

I love my sweet girl with every fiber of my being...more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone or anything. I think that is why I try to hold on so tight. I think that is why I fear the worst. I think that is why when I lay down beside her at night and she drifts off to sleep I cry a little bit every night...because as I watch her sleep I pray to God to never take her from me...I just don't know what I would do without her.

The truth is though I know that the tighter I hold onto her...the more she will push to get away. I have seen it with friends and even at times in my own life. I know that as a parent I have to let her go...let her live...let her soar...and even let her fall. I have to be there when it is good and when it is not so good. I have to give her a helping hand up when she needs it and I have to stand by and just watch during the times when she alone must pull herself up.

I think that is the hardest thing to do as a parent is to watch your children suffer in any way, shape, or form...but I know there are times when even as a parent all you can do is watch...and wait...and pray.

Some day I hope Dotty will be able to look back and say "You were right Mom." Heaven knows I said those words to my parents more than once!

I do think she is learning some good life lessons at a young age. I have no doubt the next 4th she will not be grabbing the ends of sparklers...she hasn't slid across the kitchen on pillows for many months now...and after Sunday night I highly doubt she will go anywhere near the recliner for a while. Some lessons we just have to learn the hard way I guess. Childhood is tough at times...and sometimes it is even tougher on the parent than it is the child!

Mother's Day 2013

This is officially my 6th Mother's Day to actually "be" a mother. The very first one back in 2007 Dotty was still "cooking" inside me...but hey...that counts!!! That Mother's Day of '07 was a great one. I was super excited...super nervous...and already super big! (And I had 4 more months to go!)

Now Mother's Day '08 was a bit different. At that point Dotty would have been 8 months old...she was still not sleeping through the night and I had more than once thought about inquiring what the hospital's "return policy" was in regards to babies! Overall it was great though...being a "new" mom was fun, exciting, and tiring...but it was the best job I had ever had.

Mother's Day '09 and '10 were still a bit rough...Dotty was STILL not sleeping all the way through the night. (So if you are counting...yes...she was pushing 3 years old at that point.) I was definitely sleep deprived and life had had its ups and downs. Overall it was great though...being a "not so new" mom was fun, exciting, and tiring...but it was still the best job I had ever had.

Mother's Day '11 was WAY better. Dotty finally started sleeping through the night when she was almost 3 years old. I was a whole new woman once this started happening. She would still wake up once or twice but nothing like the years before when it was almost every hour! Life was getting into a routine. We were living in Wichita. We loved our house. Life was good. Overall it was great...being a "not new at all" mom was fun, exciting, and still tiring...but it was STILL the best job I had ever had.

Mother's Day '12 and '13 were the best. Dotty sleeps AWESOME now. She hardly ever wakes up. She is a funny, sweet, beautiful, 5 year old...going on 6 (going on 16 sometimes). I love each and every moment with her. Overall it is GREAT...being a mom is fun, exciting, and still tiring (because Dotty is one busy girl)...but it is STILL...and always will be...the best job I have EVER had.

When Dotty was born I thought...I don't know that I can do this. There was no manual. No one really sat down and gave me a step-by-step rundown as to how this whole mom/baby thing worked. I was just supposed to "know". And the amazing thing is...in a way...I did. The greatest miracle in having a child is not so much the "birth" itself...although that still amazes me...but to me the greatest miracle is that God somehow just helps you to "know".

You see I was not a "baby person" before Dotty. In fact...I didn't even like most kids. I was scared to death I was going to scar Dotty for life in the first week of her life.

But I didn't.

When she cried as a baby...somehow I knew what she needed...(although sometimes it was a bit of trial and error at first). Now when she cries...I know what she needs. Dotty cries when she is tired, hungry, mad, sad, or frustrated...and during all those events I generally know how to fix it...with a nap, food, a hug or a kiss, some kind words, a little encouragement, or just a shoulder to cry on...but always I give it all with love.

Back on Mother's Day 2007 I was still wondering a bit if I could be a mom. Now...6 years later...I know I was meant to be a mom. Dotty's mom.

Memories...not Kodak...but mine

It was just about 7 months ago that Dotty and I went to Disney World. We just got back from Disneyland a few days ago. Both trips were great but both were very different from my point of view.

Back in September when we went to Disney World I had such high expectations for our trip. I had been to Disney World back in the early 90s. I did a lot of research online. I asked anyone and everyone what they did when they went to Disney World. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted more than the postcard...I wanted the 90 second commercial. I wanted the trip to be like you see on tv...nothing but smiles, laughter, hugs, and helium balloons drifting up as the fireworks went off.

The truth is we did have smiles, laughter, hugs, helium balloons and fireworks on the trip...but we also had stress, tears, and a few rough moments too. I promise you...in my mind Disney World was not the "happiest place on earth" but rather the "most bipolar place on earth" when it came to my kid...and every other kid in that park. It seemed liked a kid was either crying or laughing. It seemed like a parent was either smiling or yelling. It seemed as if everyone was either full of joy or full of disappointment. It was a strange thing to experience.

Personally, I was just pushing so hard for the "perfect" trip...I was forgetting to just enjoy the trip. And I don't think I was alone in this struggle.

I had planned for so long...to do so much...in a place that was so big...that was full of so much wonder...that I began to wonder if I had lost my ever loving mind by bringing my 5 year old to Disney World by myself.

Oh don't get me wrong...we did have fun...but it was tainted with stress and disappointment...not on Dotty's part...but on mine.

Now fast forward to just a week ago when we were in Disneyland. I had no idea what to expect. I had never been there. I didn't do much research at all besides a few pins on Pinterest. I didn't even ask too many people about their trips. I just talked to April (Tony's cousin) and made plans to meet up with her family while we were there for the weekend.

I made no reservations. I didn't book a single character dinner...or princess tea...or a day in the Boutique...I didn't do anything but get us two seats on an airplane, a hotel room, and a park pass. I didn't even look at a park map until the day we arrived.

You would think I would have been stressed due to my lack of planning...but it was just the opposite. I had a blast! Dotty had a blast! She said numerous times it was the "best trip ever"...and I know why...we had no expectations. In fact we had little than no expectations...I actually thought it would not be nearly as fun as Disney World because we were not staying in the Disney Resort...just a regular hotel a few blocks away...there were only two parks...not four...etc, etc.

Even though all this is true...Disneyland is smaller...it is only two parks...the main thing was I didn't try to turn this trip into one Kodak moment after another. I just let it flow. I didn't check my watch a million times to see which reservation we had next. I didn't check the map 100 times to find the best route to see the next character. Dotty and I wondered around...sometimes we were lost...and sometimes we found just the attraction we were looking for...and sometimes we found an even better attraction.

The best part of the whole trip was Dotty and I got to experience it all for the first time together! I didn't put any pressure on the trip and it turned out to be a great one!!! I have so many fabulous memories and none of them are "brochure" worthy...but they will look great in my photo albums...and when I am 80 I hope I will remember them all as Dotty makes plans to take her grandkids to Disneyland.

I hope she and I will always laugh about "bacon...cook it"...and the best way for waiting on a late bus is always upside down...and Oreo cookies can be breakfast, lunch, and dinner (just not in the same day)...and the best pretzels are shaped like Mickey Mouse...in fact everything is better when it is shaped like Mickey Mouse...and so many more!

I learned a lot on this trip. I learned I love California and if I ever move it is #1 on my list. I learned my kid is 5...she is not an actor in a commercial...she is not a model in brochure. She has moments of great joy...and she tends to cry when she gets hungry or tired (like her momma). I learned the best trips don't have to be planned out so well...sometimes the plan is to just go and see what happens. I learned I love my little girl more and more every day...well I already knew that...but somehow watching her watch Tinker Bell fly over the Disney castle as fireworks lit the sky...I realized it even more!