Dotty is Not a Consolation Prize for Divorce...

I had a very nice lady who has known me and my family for many years talk to me the other day. She was bragging on our successes in the business, how much we had accomplished over the years even with all the ups and downs of life, and so on and so forth. Then she said "You know honey...your marriage might not have worked out but you got a sweet girl out of the deal so I guess it wasn't a total loss was it?!"
I know she meant well...and trust me I have heard worse "compliments" regarding my status in life over the years but for some reason on that day, in that moment, that comment just hit me wrong.
I smiled and said "Well you know I have never considered Dotty a consolation prize for failing at marriage."
Of course this caused the well meaning lady to backtrack faster than A Rod during an interview on PEDs. I wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable or upset her because I don't think she was originally trying to do either of those things to me. We did get past that awkward moment and ended with a hug and a goodbye.
Later I got to thinking about what she had said and about my feelings about the entire situation.
Like Oprah there are a few things I know for sure...
1. Like I told the lady...I don't think God ever intended for Dotty to be mine or Tony's consolation prize for not making our marriage work. Dotty is one fantastic, amazing, off the charts personality, going to do something big someday...kind of kid. The world needed Dotty...or if nothing else...MY world needed Dotty for sure! God knew this. He knew I needed Dotty...and the only way to get Dotty was to put Tony and me together. So no...Dotty is not the consolation prize. She is not the "Let's see what is behind Door #2" in the game show of life. She is not the equivalent to a lifetime supply of Campbell's soup as a parting gift from the "Marriage Game". She is at least one of the MAIN reasons...if not THE reason God put Tony and me together. I believe this...with my whole heart I believe this.
2. Up until my marriage ended life came pretty easy to me. I had a great childhood for the most part. I did well in school and in sports. I had friends. I had family. I had a good job. Of course there were the little dips in the road here and there but nothing major. I knew other people that had REAL big issues in life...but not me. Nope. I had it made. In fact...in some ways...I was basically telling God "I got this Big G....don't you worry about me. I am good. I have my life in control. You go solve world hunger or find a cure for cancer...but don't worry about me...I am all good God! I got this. We can talk later." When I got divorced though I was definitely not "all good". In fact I was one big mess. For the most part I kept it together at work and in front of Dotty but when I was alone or with friends or sitting on my counselor's couch I was a huge mess. During the first year I talked to God more than I had talked to Him in the 30 years before that...I yelled at Him...I questioned Him...I cried to Him...I reasoned with Him...and then finally I stopped talking and I listened to Him. In the last five years I have grown closer to God than ever before. I have talked with Him not only daily but sometimes hourly. I have poured myself into a relationship with God because that was the only way I could heal. God knew He would have to break me...He would have to break my heart WIDE OPEN in order for me to make room for Him. Now don't get me wrong...I have always loved God and worshipped Him but I had never REALLY leaned on God, cried out to God, fell on my knees and talked to God with a heart and a soul so crushed that only God could find all the pieces and put it back together. I don't believe God intentionally hurts us but I do believe that He let's us get hurt so we can find an even bigger strength...an even stronger faith...and an even deeper love through Him. After all, if He would let Job go through all that he endured God would certainly let me have a few months of pain and sorrow if it meant a deeper connection with Him in the end. So my divorce brought me closer to God. Again...I don't think this was the consolation prize...I think it was part of the Plan...Big P from Big G!
3. The last thing I know for sure is we all walk different paths in life...no two roads are the same. My marriage/divorce/coparenting situation is not like anyone else's. We all must travel the road God has for us. Before I figured this out I was very quick to make assumptions about people and their situations. Now I realize I just don't know the whole story...and I am not supposed to because it is not my story. I think I have more compassion for everyone going through the trials of life whatever they may be...at least I hope I do. Many people see Tony and e raising Dotty in our somewhat unconventional way and they make comments both good and bad about it...but what I know for sure is this is what works for us...and most of all for Dotty. I know some of you have ex spouses that are first cousins to Satan himself and trust me my heart breaks for the situations some of you face. I thank God everyday that while Tony and I failed at our marriage (and trust me we both failed at it...we each had our issues big and small that led to the downfall) we have succeeded in raising a kid who for the most part is "okay". She is well adjusted. She is pretty normal...although some of her dance moves are a little out there...but she is pretty normal for an almost 8 year old girl. I don't know what the future holds. Twenty years from now she might be telling her counselor all her problems stem from her parents...but the one thing she can never doubt is if we screwed her up we did so out of love. It was the love Tony and I had for her...the love for her and her well being that has caused us to raise her the way we do. Tony and I still disagree sometimes. We still get on each others nerves. We still don't like the same things in each other that we didn't like five years ago (in fact I can assure you Tony will not like this post)...but we also STILL love Dotty more...more than anything else will ever matter. And Tony and I are just pieces of the path. Brittany is HUGE piece of how we walk our road with raising Dotty. In fact...sometimes she, as Dotty's step-mom, is the glue that holds the whole road together! Our parents, siblings, friends, and so many others who love Dotty more than they love picking a side in a divorce are also a part of the path. Tony and I are pretty good parents because we have a crazy awesome support system that won't let us fail. These people might not always agree with our choices...they might not understand them...but they see Dotty smile and they know that she is the only reason we do what we do.

I give a lot of "shout outs" on FB to family, friends, staff, strangers...and of course Dotty but I don't think I have ever given one to Tony. So here goes...
He is a great dad to Dotty (and Dylann, Dotty's little sister, and will be to his little boy that is on the way). He is a good person. He had his good points as a husband. He had his faults too (just like I did). And he is a good ex-husband in many ways.

God has shown me over the last five years what it takes to forgive someone and what it takes to get forgiveness in return. God has shown me that REAL forgiveness can't come with stipulations or ultimatums. Real forgiveness is freely given. Real forgiveness is a choice we offer up every day. Real forgiveness can't be forced or rushed. Real forgiveness comes from a deep place that real pain and real love also reside. Real forgiveness is what we give others and what we must give to ourselves.

God has made me better in the last five years. I am not the same person I was back in the fall of 2009. I thank the good Lord every day for that. Once again I don't think me becoming a better human being was a consolation prize...I think it was part of the PLAN. I don't know what else God has planned for me but I can guess some parts will be awesome and some parts will be awful and all parts will be for my personal greater good and for the ultimate GLORY to GOD.

2nd Grade...

Today I dropped Dotty off at school for her first day of Second Grade. In the car on the drive over I kept giving Dotty helpful hints like...

- Talk less and listen more.
- You have to be a friend to get a friend.
- Talk to the kid no one else is talking to.
- Be a part of the solution not a part of the problem.
- Wash your hands often. Then use hand sanitizer. Then use some more.
- Don't run with scissors. Actually don't run at all...except on the playground. So I guess just don't take your scissors to the playground.

You guessed it...by the last one Dotty was looking at me like I had lost it. What she didn't know was I was trying really hard by talking non-stop to not lose it and start crying like a baby! I mean seriously...this is not our first "first day of school". We have done this three times already (Pre-K, K, and 1st) not to mention all the times I dropped her off at daycares over the years. So why is it still so hard to watch my baby cross off another milestone in life? Why does it feel like time is slipping away from me so fast and the more I try to slow it down the faster it runs through my fingers?

I did pretty good in front of Dotty at school. I kept a smile on my face. I kept it light hearted. I even helped a bit with Dylann who was having a hard time on the first day of Pre-K and Brittany was a little frazzled too. I watched a few of the other kiddos hanging on to their moms' legs as teachers slowly and sweetly pulled them away. I watched this as my own child could barely get away from me fast enough. I had to physically hold Dotty by both shoulders to get a good-bye kiss. She was in such a hurry to see her friends, to get to class...she is in such a hurry to grow up.

While I am trying to always slow her down...she is always trying to speed up. It is a constant war we wage as mother and daughter.

When I got back in the car Brittany sent me a sweet thank you text and mentioned how the day had been tough. I reminded her how good of a mom she was and what a good job she was doing.

It made me think how all moms are so hard on themselves. We want to create these pinterest perfect moments in life and when they fall short we think we have failed as moms. Let me tell you though I know Brittany is no failure. I see it every day when I see Dotty and Dylann. Brittany is one of the good ones...she loves her kids and wants only the best for them...like all moms should.

I know how hard it is to leave a crying child. I know how hard it is to walk away and will yourself to not look back. I know how hard it is to hold back the tears until you get into the car. I know because I have been there. Dotty has had those moments. We have had those moments.

But I also know this...those days of watching a crying child reach for and cry out for their momma are just as hard on a mom as the days when the child can barely say good-bye and runs into the school building without looking back. Those are the days that a momma cries too.

On those days she cries because she is so proud of her baby...and she cries because she knows her baby is no longer a baby.

Soon friends and boyfriends (heaven help me) will be more important than Mom. Soon the homework will be too hard for Mom to help with. Soon the athletic ability will mean Mom is no longer "letting them win". Soon the only times Mom will get a really good snuggle is when there are hurt feelings or a broken heart involved.

Moms cry on these days because they can see the transition coming...and it is closer than they want it to be.

I don't miss the days that Dotty cried when I left...but I also am not looking forward to the days when Dotty won't even let me get out of the car to hug her goodbye. I want my child to be independent in a lot of ways but I also want her to always need me in some ways. I am so proud of the little girl Dotty has become but I want to keep her a little girl as long as possible. I am excited about what the future holds for Dotty but I don't want that future to come any time soon.

Basically I want what I can't have. You can't keep a little kid from growing up...we hope and pray they all get the chance to do just that.

So I do what all moms have done for years and years and will continue to do for years to come. I smile so my kid knows I am okay. I tell her what a great day she will have on this first day of second grade. I laugh at her and her friends and the things they talk about. I get one last hug and a quick kiss and I smile even bigger.

Then I hurry off to my car and I cry once the door is shut. Through my tears I post pics on Facebook and send them via email to great-grandparents. It takes me a few minutes and when the tears are all gone I look up to see I am the last parent in the parking lot. All the other parents have moved on.

And so...I do the same. I move on...I enjoy this last first...and I look forward to the next.

Conversations with my now 2nd grader...

Life with Dotty is never boring. Our conversations are pretty awesome these days...here are just a few pieces of today's after school talk...

Me - Did you make any new friends?
Dot - Yep. Two new ones.
Me - Great! What are their names?
Dot - I have no idea. I don't do details.


Me - I don't know how I feel about having a second grader!
Dot - What about when I go to Jr. High?
Me - I might not get out of the house!
Dot - High school?
Me - I might not get out of bed!
Dot - College?
Me - I am just going to wrap my arms around you and hold on tight!!!
Dot - Well that is one way to get a kid "held back" in school.
Then she laughs so hard at her own joke I laugh even harder!

Me - I love you more than you know Dotty.
Dot - I have deep regards for you.
Me - Deep regards huh?!
Dot - It is better than having shallow regards.

Crazy kid!!! I have no idea where she gets this from!

Vacation is No Vacation...

All week my house has been pretty close to spotless. All the clothes are folded or hung up nicely, all the beds are made, all the pillows are on the couch, all the blankets are put away, all the toys are tucked neatly in their proper spots...my house looks really pretty awesome if I do say so myself. My house has also been very serene and peaceful. The tv has been off most of the week. I have spent countless hours reading in the stillness and the silence that has surrounded me. Occasionally I would get on my computer and the tap-tap-tapping of my fingers on the keyboard would echo through the house but for the most part other than the swirling sounds of fans or ticking of clocks my house has been pretty silent.
Some of you would think this week must have been a great one for me...and some of you know that this week has been almost pure torture because you too have had to deal with weeks when your child was gone. Whether they are gone for camps or visits to grandparents or to see their other parent the fact is your child is not home.
In order to survive times like this many of you might turn to my strategy. During the days you keep yourself so booked up and so busy you barely have time to think. When the evenings roll around you either schedule time to catch up with friends and family you don't see very often or you have a to-do list of errands a mile long that you hope and pray will last until bedtime.
Unfortunately there comes a time when I have to go home. I have to walk into my perfectly clean, amazingly straight, super quiet, Dottyless home. And this is simply not the home I want to live in. Every night I hold back tears or sometimes let them fall. Every night I go to bed early just so I can be done with one more day and be that much closer to Dotty's return.
I know I am lucky it is only a week I have to do this each year. Some of you endure much more, much longer and I simply don't know how you do it. I guess just like anything else in life...we do it because we have to and because we love our kids.
I know Dotty is having a wonderful time with her Nichols side of the family just like she has a wonderful time with me when we go on vacation. I also know that when Dotty and I are gone for long periods of time on our trips Tony feels just like I do. He feels like a piece of his heart is missing.
I laid in bed last night thinking about how in a little over 10 years Dotty will go off to college and this will be my world from that point on.
I almost got physically sick at that thought.
Then I began to wonder if you could home school college kids...then I began to wonder if it was too late to enroll her in MSU now and go ahead and pay for it that way she couldn't get too far away from me...then I began to wonder how to make time stop.
Sadly many of you parents will soon have your babies heading off to college and my heart breaks for you! I have a decade left to prepare but I know even that will not be enough time. Even with 10 years still to go I will still want more time.
(Of course I have heard it said that the reason why teenagers are so bad is so parents are glad to see them leave the house at 18 but hopefully Dotty's teenage years won't kill me or us or our relationship! Hey a mom can hope!!!)
It has been five years since Tony and I divorced. Five years since we started sharing our time with Dotty. It hasn't gotten any easier. It perhaps has become the new "normal" but it has never gotten easier. Like I said (and simply can't say enough) I know how blessed I am that Tony and I can get along as well as we do and that we even have a highly functioning dysfunctional family that does a lot of stuff together. I know how good God is to have Brittany and Dylann and Baby Boy Nichols in Dotty's life and in mine. I know how lucky I am that I can still talk and laugh and get along with my ex-in-laws. Trust me...I know in the grand scheme of things I have it pretty dang good.
But I also know that seven nights without my Dotty is hard on this momma. Divorce is never good...it is never easy...even in my case where my divorce is about as good as they come. The fact is there is still hurt and pain in divorces...long after the papers are signed and the case is closed there are still nights with tears and there are still broken hearts.
Someday I want Dotty to know that both Tony and I encouraged her time with the other parent out of love for her. In a true act of selflessness we gave up what we wanted so she could have the best childhood a kid with divorced parents could possibly have. Tony and I let our own hearts break so Dotty's heart could be filled with the love of three parents (yep...Brittany loves my kid just like her own and for that I will always be grateful...and I pray to God that someday He adds a fourth parent...a step-dad who will love Dotty like the rest of us do) and countless other family members who care for her in ways she won't ever really be able to understand until she becomes a parent herself.
To say I dread the first week in August every year is an understatement. To say I cherish the other 51 weeks of the year is my goal and solemn vow to Dotty.

First, Last, and Only

Today was another first for Dotty and me. It was her First Day of First Grade.
We did the usual stuff...pick out a special outfit, lay everything out the night before, go to bed early, wake up early, take pictures in front of the house, the car, back in front of the house again, we took more pictures at school, in front of the school, in front of the "Welcome" sign, in front of other signs...real smiles, fake smiles, and silly faces were captured today!
Then she was so excited to be on her way to find her spot in line that I barely got a hug and kiss goodbye. But by planting myself directly in front of her line of vision and looking deep into those beautiful blue eyes I got a split second to say "Have a great day! I love you!" as I stole a quick kiss...and then she was off!
As Dotty grows up in life she is experiencing all these "firsts" and so am I. Today like so many other days I am reminded that these firsts are also our lasts. Neither of us will ever get another "First Day of First Grade" moment. Neither of us will get another first time to wait for class in the gym versus the library like she did as a Kindergartener. Neither of us will get those first day of first grade butterflies. Today was our last first for this moment.
You see when Dotty was born I had always planned on having at least two kids. I hate to admit this but in a way I had hoped to "survive and learn" with Dotty and then be able to enjoy everything with my second kid. But life has a funny way of showing us we are not in control. The day I realized that I was more than likely never going to have another child of my own was the day I realized that Dotty was no longer my "dress rehearsal". I don't mean that in a bad way I just meant that a part of me thought if I made mistakes with Dotty I could make it right with the next kid.
Thankfully as Maya Angelou would say "when you know better you do better". Now that I am definitely older and I hope a little bit wiser I know that even if I had another child I would screw up with that one too...just in new and undoubtedly head shaking "what was I thinking???" ways. Now I know that Dotty is not the dress rehearsal for me becoming a "perfect parent" because perfection doesn't exist...especially in parenthood. I now know that Dotty is a great teacher to me. She shows me my flaws and the areas in my life I want to improve. She makes me want to be a better person, woman, and mother. She is forgiving of my shortcomings and she is accepting of my flaws. She loves me even when I don't love myself...and she is the first and last person I think of each day.
I used to get sad thinking about how all the firsts are also all the lasts. I used to strive to make every moment perfect (I am a slow learner when it comes to the subject of perfection). However today as I was racing to pick Dotty up from school (and if you know me well...then you know I was late) I was berating myself for not being the mom who was the first one in line to pick up her kid. In fact I was the last one to pick up my kid.
Dotty didn't seem to mind too much though. After a short "Why were you so late? The teacher almost put me on the bus." I told her "Today was a first and so I thought it should be a last in some way too." She just looked at me funny (not the first time I got this look) and went on to tell me all about her day. As she told me all the details her almost 7 year old memory could remember I couldn't help but realize that whether I was the first mom or the last mom what mattered was I was her mom. I was there...late I know...but I was there.
Having an only child does mean that the first first will also be the last first and the only first. However it doesn't matter if you have one kid or if you are the Dugger family with too many to count. What matters is in life we get to keep having these "firsts". Of course some of them we are going to screw up and some of them we are going to get right but the point is we get to keep having them. The truth is when Dotty graduates from high school or college she won't remember I was the last mom to pick her up from school in the first grade...and without looking at pictures she won't remember what she wore the first day. What she will remember is how many times I was there. Was I there a lot or seldom...was I there with a smile or a frown...was I there cheering her on or with my face glued to my phone...was I there to hold her hand, give her a hug, tell her she is great, wipe away a tear, be the one standing up to cheer...was I there...that is all she will remember.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. We are going to make mistakes...being late to school today was not my first mistake nor will it be my last. Some mistakes will be worse than others but if I keep showing up...if I keep being there for Dotty for the firsts, the lasts, the only moments...then the mistakes won't matter.
If I get it right...great! If I make a mess...okay. If we have a Hallmark moment...that is awesome! If we have a "wow that was awful" moment...then we will do better next time!
The fact is Dotty is my first kid...more than likely she is my last and only child. Does it make me treasure things a bit more than a mom with multiple kids...maybe but I doubt it. I know moms with three and four children that cherish each of these moments too and make them all just as great and special as if they had only one child to dote on and concern themselves with. No matter how many children you have in that moment with that particular child it is always your first, last, and only moment. There is no rewind. There are no retakes. This is life. This is the life we give to each of our kids. We all make the most of each moment.
Today was my first, last, and only time to experience the First Day of First Grade with Dotty. Just like it was for her. I enjoyed today in many ways and I only shed a tear or two that my baby girl is growing up. The bad news is today is gone. I don't get it back. But the good news is (God willing) I have so many more days like today to look forward to with Dotty.
I am definitely looking forward to all the firsts, lasts, and only moments to come.

Dinsey World 2014

For those of you who know me well you know I do not do "character clothing". In fact I barely do prints or stripes or just about anything else that gets away from my solid colors. But the sweat pants in this picture are indeed mine and I have to say that they will forever hold a special place in my heart because they represent to me what a difference time makes.

You see Dotty and I took our first Disney World trip back in September of 2012. Dotty had just turned 5 and I was so excited about what was to be "The Trip of a Lifetime". I put a lot of pressure on this trip to live up to such a high billing and I put a lot of pressure on Dotty and me as the staring role players of this trip. As you can imagine I also set myself up for complete and utter failure.

Disney World 2012 did have good moments (we still met Disney characters, got to see our sweet and special friend Lena, and our hotel was really nice), but overall I remember the trip as being full of frustration, disappointments, and I am sorry to say a few tears shed by Dotty and even me. In general I thought the trip was a failure and that I was a failure as a mother. I won't go so far as to say I hated the trip but I did not look back on it with many fond memories.

Then in April 2013 Dotty and I took a trip to Disneyland. It was an awesome trip and I attributed much of it to being so great because Disneyland is so much smaller than Disney World and we were aided by some awesome family members (Mitch and April Taylor's family) who live in California and were able to show us all the ins and outs of Disneyland.

So now this year we had a choice to make...where to go for our trip. Dotty wanted to go to Disney World again but I was skeptical. I just thought that we were cursed when it came to Disney World. However, with the help of our fabulous Disney Planner, Robbie Burket, we set off for Disney World...but I will say I had a small pit of dread in my stomach.

My game plan with Robbie was to do a few big things and anything else was just going to be bonus. Well that proved to be the best game plan ever. Except for the fact that Dotty wanted to swim in the hotel pool more than I let her (we can swim anywhere) and the fact that Dotty really wanted to go to the Disney Boutique again to get made up like a princess, we had the best trip ever!!!

The pants pictured above are part of the reason why. Let me explain.

On the first Disney trip I wanted everything to be so perfect I missed out on just enjoying time with Dotty. I foolishly thought our trip would look like the commercials I see on tv when I know in my heart those people are just actors and those situations are staged. Just like the rides at Disney...real life comes with ups and downs and sometimes you get a little wet either from a few shed tears or a trip down Splash Mountain...either way the water dries and life is good again.

Was this last trip to Disney perfect? No. Dotty and I both got hot, tired, hungry, frustrated, disappointed, short with each other, etc. A year from now...or especially 10 or 20 years from now will I remember those things? No. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, the kisses, the sheer enjoyment of watching my almost 7 year old daughter believe in the magic of Disney.

And I got to the live the magic that comes from a parent getting to make memories with a child.

Those pants pictured above came about because on the last day we were at Disney we had to check all our luggage before we headed to Magic Kingdom. So all we had left at the hotel were the bags we were going to carry on the plane which were full of snacks and new Disney toys. We had a great final day at Magic Kingdom and as we were waiting for the bus to take us back to the hotel I went to open a Coke that I had bought and it spewed all over me. I was drenched!!!

Now I had put an extra shirt in my carry on bag but that was it. So now I was faced with having to fly on a 2 hour plane ride then drive another 2 hours home with sticky pants.

As I sat there a little stunned and drenched in Coke I looked up to see Dotty paralyzed. She even seemed to be a little afraid. You see she was the one who had been carrying the Coke and no doubt had been swinging and playing with it. I am sure she was prepared to hear my roar (and not in the Katy Perry kind of way).

What I did next showed me what a difference time makes.

I simply shrugged my shoulders, got some wet wipes out of our bag and started wiping myself off, and I told Dotty "Looks like Momma will be buying herself some new pants today.". Dotty said, "You aren't mad?" Me, "No. Accidents happen. No use crying or getting mad over spilled Coke."

So when we got back to the hotel the pants above were the ONLY pants the gift shop had. I learned several good lessons from those pants.

1. Pack extra pants in your carry on too.
2. Life is too short to get mad over spilled Coke.
3. People can change.

You see the first Disney trip I would have yelled and gotten very mad over that Coke. I would have made the situation worse than it needed to be. But I am trying to grow and learn to take life as it comes...spilled Coke and all. I don't always do it well or right...but I keep trying.

I hope someday when Dotty has her children and "Coke gets spilled" (whatever the "spilled Coke" actually is in life because it can come in many shapes and forms) I hope she will remember how I handled "spilled Coke". Maybe not every "spill" was handled well but if most of them are then I have done a pretty good job.

As we boarded the plane I noticed a few odd looks...no doubt people were mentally critiquing my fashion choice. In the past I would have worried what those people thought but that day all I worried about was making sure Dotty enjoyed every last minute of our trip and I enjoyed every last moment with her.

The airline attendant asked if we had fun. YES!!!...was our overwhelming reply. Then she asked if this was our first trip. I said no but it was definitely a much better one. She asked if it was because Dotty was older. I simply said "Maybe but I think it has to do with the fact that I am much wiser."

As we waited for the plane to take off Dotty looked up at me and said "Mommy our first Disney World trip was awesome too. We got to spend it with Lena, I got to get dressed up like Tinker Bell, we saw the fireworks, we did the Toy Story ride and a bunch of other stuff." Then she went back to playing with her toys.

As I sat there tears almost spilled from my eyes (it was a day of all kinds of spills) because I was reminded that even when I feel like a failure my kid sees the good in me and in the things we do together. Does Dotty remember the not so great things about our first Disney trip? Of course she does. (She is still banned from playing with my phone because she deleted a lot of pictures on that trip.) But are the not so great things the ones that mean the most to her? No. They aren't. She remembers how if felt to be treated like a princess. How it felt to meet Minnie and Mickey for the first time. How it felt to see a friend we hadn't seen in a while. She remembered the good stuff way more than she did the not so great stuff.

And just like she does so often Dotty taught me a good life lesson. We all try our best but we are all going to fail. It is what we dwell on that matters. We can choose to remember the good things or the bad ones but they are still our choice to make. Life is all about choices and we have the power to choose!!!!

So as Dotty slept the entire plane ride back to Texas I thought back to Disney World 2012 and I remembered the good times only. And I was amazed at how many there were. So from now on I will choose to remember the lessons but only the lessons...not the bad things that resulted in the lessons.

And I will always pack extra pants!!! But I will also always keep those Minnie pants. And someday when Dotty and I are going through my closet we will come across them...and we will laugh...and we will remember...and I will be so grateful!

Quality Matters...

As I get closer to opening up my new store I concerned about a lot of things. The main one though is how I am going to juggle two stores and still be a good mom to Dotty. I know the new store will take up a lot of my time especially in the beginning but I don't want Dotty to suffer because I am trying to be successful in business. On the other hand...I want Dotty to know that in order to be successful in business you have to work hard.

It is a double edged sword for me.

My only consolation comes from knowing that it isn't quantity that matters but rather quality...and prioritizing the important things in life makes adding quality to it a lot easier.

This past Saturday Dotty and I spent a hour snuggling in bed watching cartoons...then we hung our plastic pumpkins in the tree outside our house...then we went and got our nails painted together. The whole time we spent together awake on Saturday was only about 6 hours then Dotty went to spend the rest of the day with Tony, Brittany, and Dylann.

Six hours doesn't seem long but we did a lot during that time.

We snuggled. We hugged. We smiled. We laughed. We carried on a Halloween tradition. We did girlie things. We kissed. We said I love you. We talked about the past, present, and future.

We made our time count.

It wasn't a large quantity of time but it was quality time.

Just the other day a friend of mine who just had a sweet baby boy and I were talking about how hard it is to leave kiddos of any age...but most of us have to do it. She was talking about how by the time she gets home from work it will only be a few hours before it is bath time and bed time for her little bundle of joy. I could sympathize with her because I remembered what it was like to leave Dotty the first time I had to go back to work. I cried the whole way to the Pecan Shed. But luckily even then I knew it was about quality...not quantity.

When Tony and I split up and we started sharing time with Dotty it hit me even more so how much I need to cherish the time I do have with Dotty. And now as I stand just weeks away from yet another big step in my life I have to realize that while my time might be limited with Dotty...the moments shared and the memories made are really unlimited.

Dotty won't remember how many hours I was home before she went to bed. But she will remember that we read stories and we said prayers and I sang her to sleep.

Dotty won't remember what we had for dinner. But she will remember how we sat at the table and talked about what she did at school and what was on her mind.

Dotty won't remember the Saturdays I had to work. But she will remember the Saturday mornings we spent watching princess movies and eating popcorn at 8am.

Dotty won't remember the nights I came home exhausted. But she will remember that she fell asleep in my arms.

Dotty won't remember the mornings I was up before 5am trying to get everything done. But she will remember how we talked in the car on the way to school instead of always just listening to the radio.

Dotty won't remember how I had to kill myself to make it to her school functions and her sporting events. But she will remember that I was there...always.

Quality matters. I may not know who wins the Voice. I may not see my friends as much. I may not ever see any movie above a PG rating for the next 5 years. But my kid will know that she was more important to me than all of that combined times a million.

I can't be with my child every night or every morning. A part of me hates that. But the nights and mornings I can be there will be good ones...for both Dotty and me.

Because when it all comes down to how Dotty remembers her childhood 20 years from now I hope she will remember that I was there...I was present...I was in the moment. I hope she remembers more of "what was" than "what wasn't". I hope she remembers the hugs, the kisses, the laughs, the giggles, the snuggles, the bedtime stories, the talks, the silly dances, the traditions...I hope she remembers the memories...the moments...that we made...and I hope she loves and cherishes them as much as I will.

I may not have a lot of children (quantity) but I have one really great one (quality) and I plan to make the most of every moment with her.