5 Years Ago Today...

Five years ago today I was pregnant...WAY pregnant! I was about to POP pregnant. Five years ago today I had no idea if I was having a boy or a girl...I just knew that whatever it was...I was ready for it to be OUT. OF. ME!

I think I made Tony take to me to the hospital at least 2 times druing my pregnancy...and two times I got sent home. I know I went in on September 6th...I was having contractions but unfortunately those contractions were not doing anything other than causing me pain! They sent me home...again...that makes three!

September 7th is my niece Presley's birthday and I was bound and determined NOT to have my baby on that day...I didn't want the cousins to have to share a birthday (in hindsight...that might have been the easier route to go).

I sat at home all day on the 7th...the U.S. Open tennis tournament was on. I had a notebook beside me keeping track of my random contractions. Mom had come over to sit with me while Tony was at school. She stared at me all day long. A part of me wanted to just yell at her to go away (hormones talking)...a part of me wanted to cry and ask her to make it ALL go away (hormones talking again). So instead I sat in silence for most of the day.

I was nervous. I knew I was getting close and I was scared about labor and delivery. I was scared about epidural needles. I was scared I was not going to be able to endure labor...even with the drugs I was already planning on asking for the minute they admitted me.

I was scared about becoming a mom...my baby's mom. Actually, I was flat out terrified.

That night I endured pain...lots of pain. Pain that made me want to break several 2x4s in half. Pain that made me want to kick Adam's and Eve's hindquarters for eating those stupid apples!

In the early morning hours I woke up Tony and said "Let's go." Of course, he had heard that before. But this time I was not leaving the hospital without a baby or a portable morphine drip...one of the two!

Well thank the Lord above...they did let me stay this time. At 5:55pm on September 8, 2007 I found out I was a mom to a little 6 pound 9 ounce girl...we named her Dotty. With one look at her she stole my heart forever. She let out a loud cry and I let out a sigh of relief...her lungs seemed fine (in the coming months and years those lungs have proven to be more than fine...they are exceptional).

To this day I am amazed they let me take her home. I mean they didn't run a background check...make me answer a true/false test...or even ask me if I knew how to work the diaper disposer thing I had registered for and gotten a month before at my shower! They just checked the carseat...we signed some papers...they checked her wristband...my wristband...and off we went. I mean you have to do more to get a Sam's card!!! They just let anyone have a baby and then take that baby home! CRAZY!!!

I will be honest and say the first two years were tough...the third year came with lots of new challenges...the fourth year things were starting to seem right...and this last year has been the best of all.

Dotty is the joy of my life! She is the reason I do everything I do. She makes me want to be a better Mom...a better person. She is my everything.

Dotty has brought me so much joy that I could never express it all. Oh there have been times I have had to get on to her...I have had to put her in time out...I have had to take away a toy...I have had to spank her tushie. But there have been way more laughs than tears...way more smiles than frowns...way more kisses than "I mean it" stares.

Dotty is about to be five in a few short days. For the last five years I have found I could love more than I ever dreamed possible...I discovered my parents were right when they said, "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" right before I got a spanking when I was little (I didn't realize how smart my parents were until I became a parent)...I found out amazing things come in small packages...I learned to love stick people drawings, sticky fingers, and sticks found on the ground that were turned into magic wands...I found my best friend has blue eyes, loves chicken nuggets, and calls me Momma...I found out that the last person I think about before I go to sleep and the first person I think about when I wake up is the person I met on September 8, 2007 at 5:55pm.

Dotty Marie Nichols changed my world when she came in it...and for that I will always be grateful to God.

Be Careful What You Say...You Might Hear it Again

Let me start this post by saying I know I am not the world's best mom. I know some days I am better than others. And I know that each day, each moment is a chance for me to do better!

Now let me give you some background information. Dotty used to be a very poor sleeper. Any of you that know me or my child well will know that she did not sleep through the night until she was 3 years old and even for many, many months after that she still woke up several times a night (like 3+). Needless to say I was VERY sleep deprived!

When Dotty goes to sleep at night I lay down with her, read books, sing a song, then pat her until she (or I) fall asleep. Back in the day when sleep was a scarce commodity I tended to be a very tired momma with a very short fuse by 9pm. I was exhausted and needed those few precious hours of sleep I got off and on through the night. Many times I would get on to Dotty if she wiggled too much or played with her toys in bed or just simply would not go to sleep.

Last night the words I said to Dotty (and sadly the tone I would say them in) came back to haunt me.

By the way...Dotty has gotten much better at sleeping through the night...it is pure heaven let me tell you!!!)

Last night we snuggled in to do our routine. I got out of the bed for a minute then when I was climbing back in to start the "patting process" Dotty said something to me that made me laugh at first then made me sad very quickly after that.

Dotty said, "Momma get still! If you keep wiggling around while I am trying to go to sleep I am going to sleep in your room!"

(That used to be my threat for Dotty...that if she did not get still I was going to sleep in my room and she would have to fall asleep all by herself.)

I started to laugh at how she was mimicking me...then reality set it. Dotty went on to say, "I mean it Momma...I will go to your room and sleep and you will be in here all alone and you will cry yourself to sleep."

My heart broke. Now I know I never said those words to her ever...but that is what she must have thought about my threat...that I would leave her and she would be all alone and she would cry.

Wow! Talk about a reality check.

My laughter was now long forgotten...I realized that Dotty had pegged me exactly. The nights when I would say that to her in such a harsh tone were some pretty tough nights but they didn't justify my behavior.

I slowly pulled Dotty to me and in the dark I doubt she could see the tears run down my face. I said to her, "Dotty...I am so sorry I spoke to you that way in the past when I was very tired and very grouchy. You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. I love you. I love you...so much! Can you forgive me?"

With a yawn she said..."I forgive you Momma. We have to learn to be nicer to each other." I agreed with her and kissed her sweet face. Then I patted her to sleep...which only took a matter of minutes.

I stayed awake a long time after that...thinking what a terrible mother I was. Then I remembered...I am human...I make mistakes...I did ask Dotty for forgiveness and now I had to forgive myself. I prayed to God to forgive me for treating Dotty so gruffly in the past. I prayed for patience...and I prayed for the opportunity to be patient.

I am not saying I won't ever lose my temper in the future...but I do hope that it will take much more than a wiggly little girl to cause me to lose my patience. I also don't plan to let Dotty get away with everything in the future but I will learn to talk calmly and rationally more often than loudly and in an angry tone. No parent is perfect. I know that.

I was raised by imperfect parents...who loved me more than life itself. I don't blame them for any "failures" they might have had as parents. All I remember (mostly) is the adoring love they gave me every day.

That's what I hope Dotty will remember from these early years and from now on. I also hope I remember the love that Dotty and I share. And I hope I learn from the lessons God puts in front of me. Sometimes when God speaks He whispers...and sometimes He sounds a lot like my four year old little girl.

A morning with Dotty...

This morning Dotty and I were playing with "window markers" (thanks to Memaw). We were sitting by the front door coloring on the glass door as the sunshine came through. I was telling Dotty the story of how Tony and I came up with her name (she likes that story). Dotty is named after Tony's grandmother Dorothy Nichols and my grandmother Wanda Marie Montz...hence Dotty Marie Nichols. Dotty stopped and said, "Your Grandma never got to see me did she Momma?" I said, "No...she didn't." (My Grandma passed away in 1995.) Then Dotty said, "I bet she would have liked me." I said, "She would have LOVED you." Then Dotty said, "But she knows me. She knows I am your little girl." Well the tears started to pool in the corners of my eyes. Then Dotty put her little hand under my chin and lifted my face to the sunlight. She said, "Look up into the sky...tell your Grandma you love her." It was so hard to say the words because I was so choked up with tears...but as tears streamed down my face I said, "I love you Grandma." Then Dotty smiled and said, "I bet she is smiling and so happy in Heaven." I have no doubt that Grandma is. I know my Grandma would have LOVED to have seen Dotty...Grandma loved little girls...mainly because her life was filled with so many boys...girls were a rare thing for her. She had all boys and all grandsons except for me. Grandma loved to dress me in frilly dresses and she loved to curl my hair up in sponge rollers and she loved to watch me twirl around when I was all dolled up and ready to go. Every time I see Dotty twirl around in a dress I feel a tug on my heart. Sometimes I think God uses the innocence of children to remind us of His love. This morning was such a sweet and touching moment between me and Dotty...one I will treasure forever.

Mother's Night at SLP 2012

Thursday night was "Mother's Night" at Dotty's school. Again I was a little sad that it would be her last Mom's Night at SLP but I was determined to enjoy every minute of it. The whole night went well. We had our pictures made. We painted. We had "music class". We made wind chimes. I am telling you...Mrs. Grace and Mrs. Connie packed the night full of things to do! Then the night ended with us going into the "snack room" for some cookies that the kids had made themselves. Our tables were set with drawings the kids had made for each mom. Dotty had drawn me and her and lots of flowers...because she knows how much I love flowers!! The children were also asked some questions in which the answers were written on the picture as well. Here are some of the questions and Dotty's answers to them. **Where does your mom work? Pecan Shed (although Dotty spelled it Shop) **What does your mom like to drink? Dr. Pepper (which is sort of true) **What is her favorite color? Yellow (yes...I like yellow and since Belle is my favorite princess Dotty has dubbed yellow as my favorite color) **What does your mom eat? Whip Cream and Carrots (I do not like carrots and I don't know the last time I had whip cream on anything) **If your mom was an animal which one would she be? Elephant (I am hoping that is because Dotty loves elephants) **What would you like to give your mom? A yellow zebra (most kids said...hugs and kisses...Dotty explained to me it would be harder to find a yellow zebra so that means I would like it more) **How does your mom show you she loves you? She washes my sheets so they are very clean (other kids wrote things like...she dances with me...she tells me she loves me...apparently I show love with Wisk and a washing machine) The last question was the best...and always is... **How old is your mom? Now let me say that when Dotty was 2 she said I was 2...last year she said I was 4...this year she said... 52.... Yep! I went from 4 to 52 in 12 months time! Everyone at the table laughed (mainly because all their kids had kept them under 20). I asked Dotty...How old do you think Daddy is? She said...52 I asked...How old do you think Memaw, Papa, Nana, and Papa are? She said...200 I asked...How old do you think Brittany is? She said...14 I stopped asking her any more questions! LOL!!! The good news is AARP should be sending me stuff in the mail any day now! All jokes aside...I had a fabulous time with Dotty! My baby has grown up so fast. We started SLP in February of 2010 when Dotty was just 2 years old. Back then she was still in diapers, she cried when I left, and at our first "Mother's Night" she wanted me to hold her the entire time. Now at 4 years old she is potty trained (thank goodness), barely tells me good bye when I drop her off at school, and at this last Mother's Night she was so busy socializing with her friends I was left to watch in amazement how much my little girl has grown and changed in just a short time. My oh my...2 1/2 years flew by! I am so proud of Dotty. She has grown into a great little girl. I can't wait to see what the future holds!

Lessons from the Big Top

Sunday Dotty and I went to the circus that was visiting Wichita Falls. Let me state here in some areas of my life I am very tight and in other areas I am not. This line can also change based on my mood, the day, the weather, what I ate for breakfast, etc. Basically I try not to spend money unnecessarily but I like to enjoy life and I want Dotty to experience a lot of things and enjoy all I can offer her. However, I cannot offer her the entire Big Top! While we had fun at the circus I felt awful for having to tell Dotty "no" to almost everything she asked for...but she asked for EVERYTHING! For starters it cost me $24 to get us both in to sit on hard metal bleacher seats. Then she wanted toys, food (we ate right before we got there), snow cones, glow sticks, her face painted, to ride the animals...you name it...she wanted it! I didn't bring much cash with me so I told her I just had enough money for her to either get a toy or ride one animal. As you can see...she chose to ride the elephant. Eight bucks and ninety seconds later the ride was over and Dotty was wanting to do more! I felt like the worst mother ever...but at the same time I was trying to explain to Dotty that her "prize" was getting to GO to the circus...and she did get to ride the elephant. Well as you can imagine...that went over about as well as a 300 pound flying trapeze artist...not so good! We left the circus and Dotty's exact words to me were "I am never taking you to the Circus again Mommy!" Wow...I felt the love there! I don't know what to do with this girl. I know it is hard to explain to kids that they can't have everything they see and trying to explain money is hard to a 4 year old who thinks that there is no difference between a one dollar bill and a one hundred dollar bill. At one point Dotty even told me "Go to that blue machine that Daddy goes to...it gives you more money there." I didn't even attempt to explain ATMs to her. I worry that our trip to Disney World in September is not going to be much fun if I have to tell her "no" to everything. I worry about that a lot. How do you raise a child to be content with what she has...yet at the same time strive to achieve more in life? Where is the "Raising a Four Year Old for Dummies" book on this one?!?! I hope I am doing the right thing by Dotty. It isn't easy to teach those hard life lessons when your little one is tearing up. I swear the saying I heard a hundred times..."this hurts me more than it will ever hurt you"...is SOOOOO TRUE!

Dotty Scored!

Today Dotty scored in her soccer game!!! It is not the first time she has scored a goal but it is the first time she has scored in the CORRECT goal!!!

Of course...I am not sure if this one should count either. When Dotty scored all the other girls on her team and the girls on the opposing team were either crying because they had gotten knocked down or they were crying to the coach about something else! Dotty was the only player left standing upright and without tears in her eyes. But even then I was worried she might miss...I was so proud she made it though.

Afterall...we always tell all players to "play until you hear the whistle"...now there are no "officials" in Dotty's league. Coaches are out on the field and double as officials. No one has a real whistle either...there is just a bunch of yelling from coaches, parents, fans, players...you name it. It is sort of like chaos on caffiene overload at times!

So if you overlook all those factors...Dotty scored a goal. I say put it down in the books! Oh wait...we don't keep books either. In fact...we don't even keep score. Oh well...we will all know in our hearts that Dotty scored...and afterall if we are being honest then that is all that matters really!!!

Little kid soccer makes me laugh! It makes me smile...it makes me crazy at times...it makes me shake my head in frustration...but most of all it makes me laugh!!!

Congrats to Dotty on her first "official" goal! You go girl!!!

Washing Mom's Car

Yesterday Dotty helped me wash my car. It was a cheap and easy way to kill two birds with one stone. #1 it got my dirty car washed. #2 it entertained Dotty for almost an hour...almost!

As Dotty and I soaped and scrubbed and rinsed and...yes...even sprayed each other a time or two...I couldn't help but realize how fast she has grown up. It seems like just yesterday I was laying out a blanket under the shade of a tree and all she could do was sit up and watch the world go by. Then she started crawling and life got more hectic.

My friend Jeri says it best...each stage of childhood is the "best one". Whatever stage Dotty is currently in seems like the "best". Of course I miss days when I got to just sit and rock her and give her a bottle. I miss the days when gurgles and smiles were the highlights of my day. I miss the first steps (and yes...I actually did miss her very first step!) and all the excitement that came with her reaching new milestones.

I would say I don't miss the up all nights...but some nights with Dotty are still "up all night" nights.

Right now though seems like just such a great time in Dotty's life. She is big enough to do a lot of things on her own...but she is still little enough to need her Mommy (her Daddy, Brittany, Memaw, Papa, Nana, Papaw...and many, many more too).

I can't explain it...but at this point in my life if time wanted to freeze for...oh say...10 years...I wouldn't mind being 32 and Dotty staying 4 for a decade or so!

Of course ten years from now I will probably being saying the same things I am now...oh wait...by then I will be 42 and Dotty will be 14...that might not be all it is cracked up to be...on the other hand...it just might!