The Guilty One...

I think all parents feel at least a little bit of guilt at least some of the time. It sort of comes with parenting. You get a cute baby, sleepless nights, lots of hugs and kisses, diaper duty, first words, first bad words, first steps, potty training, going off to school, going off on first dates, going off to college, etc. etc.

I know I skipped a lot of "firsts" in there but you get the idea...you get the good with the bad. Guilt is one of the "bad things" that comes with parenting.

All parents wish they had more time to spend with their children, more money to give their children nicer things, and so forth and so on.

Working parents feel guilty about working. Parents who stay at home feel guilty about not having as much money as they would have if they worked. Even those who make millions and billions of dollars and have all the free time in the world probably still feel guilty about something.

As a divorced parent I think the guilt is stronger...or maybe I feel that way because that is the only life I know. I feel guilty that Dotty has to split her time with me and Tony. I feel guilty that I miss out on things when she is with Tony and I feel guilty that Tony misses out on things when she is with me.

I feel guilty that Dotty will not grow up in a house with her biological parents. And because of that guilt I probably do some things differently than I might have done them if the situation was different.

But on the other hand...all parents are simply doing the best they can. I know my parents did. I grew up with both my parents home every night. I grew up with my parents going to almost everything I did...in school and out of school. To some people looking from the outside in...it would have seemed I had the perfect childhood.

But nothing is perfect. My parents were not always happy but they made certain sacrifices for me and my brother that I will always appreciate. They did the best they knew how to and they gave me a great childhood.

No person is perfect. No situation is perfect. Nothing is perfect...even if it seems that way...you can bet it really isn't perfect.

What I hope Dotty will someday know is that Tony and I are not perfect people and we are not perfect parents...but we try...we try really hard.

I am lucky that my divorce was non-confrontational. Tony and I fought over nothing. We were civil. We were caring. We were committed to still being the best parents to Dotty that we could be. We put Dotty first.

So often I hear and see people going through divorces where children are involved and I am appalled at how some people behave. They use children as weapons. They use children as pawns in their sick games to hurt each other.

I am lucky that Tony and I have not and will not ever do that to Dotty. We might not live in the same house but we are the same parents she has always had...will always have. Our lives will change and things will change but the one constant is that Tony and I will love Dotty...so much...until the day we die.

One thing I don't feel guilty about is that I think I value my time with Dotty much more than I did before the divorce. That is one of the silver linings I know came from our divorce. I know my time with Dotty is not unlimited. I know there are days I will not have her. And for those reasons I try to value my time with her.

I am not saying that other parents don't value their time with their children...but until you have experienced what it is like to know that your time is limited I don't think you can understand where I am coming from.

I have said time and time again that Tony is a great dad...and he would always have been a great dad...but I think he became a better dad when he moved out. I hope I too became a better mom through all of this.

And if that is the case...then there is no guilt about that.