And Then There was Silence

I just spent four days with Dotty. Based on how Tony and I now work our schedules of being with Dotty a time span like that is rare. Neither of us want to go very long without her.

The past four days and nights were awesome! The best yet I think. Dotty didn't cry for Tony. She was too busy. We saw Memaw LOTS! We had people over to visit like Papa and Brittany and Dylann. There was school and work. There were events and such. But overall it was just great.

It even rained which we sooooo needed (and which Dotty prayed for). Of course rainy days with a 4 year old stuck in a house can be tough.

I remember yesterday thinking as 3 different tvs were going on with 3 different cartoon shows on them and Dotty was dancing and singing and asking me to "flip her" (our newest trick that is threatening to throw my back out) that I just wanted 5 seconds of silence. Only 5 seconds to clear my head and have a single uninterrupted thought.

And then there was silence.

It came when I walked in the door after leaving Dotty to stay the night with Tony and Brittany. It hit me in the face so hard that I physically cried from the pain.

No tv...no radio...no distraction at all could fill the silence that had crept into my soul.

It happens every time Dotty leaves. It has not gotten easier and I am sure it never will.

The silence reminds me that a piece of me is gone when Dotty is not here. She is the part that completes me.

I know a lot of parents beg for and seek out silence in the crazy would that is that of raising a child...and I am no different at times. At times I get annoyed with the same questions from Dotty. At times I lose my patience. At times I forget that the time I have with her is getting less and less each day.

And then there is silence.

With each moment of silence I crave to hear Dotty's voice...her laughter...her soft breath as she sleeps...and yes even her fit throwing would be nice too.

Lots of parents don't get the "silence" until their children go off to college or wherever they go after high school. But I get it over and over again.

Luckily with each stretch of silence I pray to God that I become a better mom and cherish Dotty all the more. I pray that I will enjoy the "noise" each day that is associated with Dotty. And I pray for strength to endure the silence.