As Dotty and I got ready to head out for an overnight stay this holiday weekend we began packing the car as if we were going to be gone for well over a week. The entire back of my SUV was filled with everything I would need for any situation except a blizzard and since we are in Texas in July I felt pretty confident I was safe there.
(On second thought I better throw in a light jacket for both of us just in case.)
While we were putting bags in the car Dotty kept asking me things like...
Did you pack extra pillows?
Did you bring extra snacks?
Did you make sure we have enough to drink?
Do we have plenty of sunscreen?
Did you pack me extra shoes in case mine get muddy?
Do I have an extra swim suit?
Do we have extra batteries and chargers?
I reassured Dotty we had plenty of everything and then some! I learned from one of the best how to pack like a champ (aka like you are moving out of the country temporarily).
We picked up Dotty's friend who would be joining us for the overnight trip and off we went. As the girls watched a DVD I let my eyes enjoy the countryside I rarely saw and let my mind wander.
It didn't take long for my mind to head down a familiar path to Worrytown. I began to ask myself things like...
Did I pack extra patience?
Did I bring extra hugs?
Did I make sure I have enough love to go around?
Do I have plenty of grace to give?
Did I pack extra forgiveness in case my feelings get hurt?
Do I have an extra good attitude
Do I have kindness and generosity?
So often when we make special plans we make sure to bring all the right physical "stuff" but we forget to pack the really important "stuff". I am guilty of it too...in the past and on this most recent trip.
A few times I lost my temper. A few times I was short. A few times I was tired or hot or hungry and took it out on the people I love the most. Sadly the person who sees me at my worst is the person I love the most...Dotty.
Dotty sees the real me...and loves me anyway...God bless her. Luckily she is seeing a better me these days. Six or Seven years ago I never packed any extra patience, hugs, love, grace, forgiveness, good attitude, kindness, or generosity.
But thankfully people can change...if they want to.
Just like making a list of what to bring on a trip it is a conscious effort to try and do better. You have to see what you are missing and write it down to know that you need to get some of it.
For instance I can say to myself...
Hey...I was kind of hard on Dotty when she was hot and tired at the end of a long day. Maybe I need to get more patience and kindness as well as some extra hugs before a situation like this comes up again.
We are never going to be perfect but the point isn't to be perfect just to be better than we were before. I want Dotty to see my flaws. I also want her to see me apologize for my mistakes and I want her to listen to me when I tell her how I hope to do better in the future. Then (Lord willing) she will be able to see the change the next time something similar comes up.
Like in life I know I will almost always forget something whether it be my pillow or my patience but unlike my pillow intangible things like patience, forgiveness, and grace are easy to get once I notice I left them behind. All I have to do is stop and look again. In reality they are always there. I just have to dig a little deeper.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Monday, January 11, 2016
The Random Button
I remember the day I got my new Toyota Hylander. The gentleman at the car dealership was very thorough in going over every feature, every inch, every button, bell, and whistle on that vehicle. He showed me how check my tire pressure and where the jack was. (I showed him how I dial my brother to come change my tires.) He showed me how to adjust the air temperature and the heated seats (love those things). He showed me the mirrors (yes even the vanity one) and he showed me all the cool things the stereo system could do. I remember when he got to the cd portion of the lecture, he showed me the Random and Repeat buttons as well as how to use the Browse feature to search for my favorite song via the menu on the touch screen.
I distinctly remember thinking to myself how I would never push the Random Button and even the Repeat Button was a highly unlikely choice. I even remember pondering why in the world would someone want to hit the Random Button? I have never in my life bought a cd in which I liked all the songs. In fact, I like it when I get so familiar with a cd that I know the minute one song ends if I need to skip the next song or not. The whole idea of a Random Button seemed quite…well random to me.
It was less than a few weeks after I got the new car when Dotty noticed the Random and Repeat Buttons that showed up on the touch screen when a cd was popped in to play.
Dotty asked “Momma, What do those buttons do?”
I explained “The Repeat Button will just keep repeating the same song over and over again. The Random Button will play the songs in a random order. Like it might play song number two then jump to song number six then back to number three then to number nine then back to one. There is no particular order it will go in. The system will just randomly choose the next song.”
Dotty – nodding…thinking…fingers twitching in excitement.
Needless to say, a year later, Dotty now uses those buttons quite frequently.
When Dotty gets a new cd we listen to the whole thing but then she goes back to her favorite ones (usually the loudest and poppiest songs) and she will hit the Repeat Button on each one until it has played at least four or five hundred times. This process ensures she has learned all the words, come up with a dance routine to the song, and done several videos of herself on her iPod singing and performing said song.
I handle the Repeat Button fairly well…to a point. As long as I, in general, like the song and the car ride is under 15 minutes I figure I can endure anything until she gets out of the car.
However, the Random Button simply kills my inner need for order and my love of predictability.
This past weekend I was battling being ill for what seemed like forever but was at least a good five weeks. I had reached my “OTC Meds Just Aren’t Cutting It” breaking point and had been to the doctor. My mom was a saint and had kept Dotty most of the weekend so I could rest and let my body heal.
When I got Dotty on Sunday afternoon I needed to run a quick errand. As Dotty and I were driving through town Dotty popped in one of her favorite Christian music cds. I personally like almost all the songs on there but Dotty has about five on the cd she prefers to listen to and the others she prefers to skip.
She made sure to search through the Browse screen and find her all time favorite song first. We rocked out to it…singing and dancing as we drove past amused onlookers. Let it be known, Dotty and I can have quite the dance party in my car and we have perfected choreographed routines to many songs that not only prompt but entice people to stare at us…especially at stop lights.
After we had gotten our jam on Dotty hit the Random Button. The next three songs were not her faves. Dotty kept asking me to skip the songs. At one point we had “skipped” the same song five times within a 30 second period.
My Tylenol and my patience were wearing off at a rapid rate.
I aggressively pushed off the Random Button and said in my most snappy, matter of fact, mom voice “Dotty. When you push the Random Button I have no control over what song will come up next. If you will just let the cd play as normal in the proper order then I can control what number song we go to.”
Dotty sat there very quiet.
Dotty usually sits very quiet when I do that voice.
Unfortunately, Dotty has heard that voice often in her life.
After a while Dotty relaxed back into her seat, grabbed her iPod, and began to play a game. Our fun, carefree time was over. I had ended it with the push of a button. I had ended it with my no nonsense words. I had ended it. Not Dotty. Me.
As we drove in silence I began to think about how often in life I ended Dotty’s “Random Life Moments”. After all, she is only eight so being random kind of comes with the territory.
Dotty can one minute be singing and dancing and the next minute ask if we can bake a cake. She can be yawning and laying her head on my shoulder and then jump up and want to take her new puppy for a walk when it is time for bed. She can love math one minute and hate it the next. She can pick out her clothes the night before while she is getting ready for bed and come walking out of her room the next day in a totally different outfit.
Dotty likes to be a girlie girl and a tomboy.
Dotty wants to be the smartest girl in her class but she wants to need the teacher’s help too.
Dotty wants to be a teacher when she grows up, who works as a nurse at night, runs the family store on the weekend, and stars in Broadway plays in the summer.
Dotty wants to be a mom, the President of the United States, an astronaut, a paleontologist, and a farmer…and she wants to do it all before she gets old…like me.
Dotty is eight.
When you are eight the world is full of possibilities and your head is full of dreams and your heart is full of hope. When you are eight things come and things go but your world is what is happening right now…right this minute…with the people you are with at that very moment in time. When you are eight you live in the now…and the now changes. When you are eight your life is random but it doesn’t seem random to you.
However when you are thirty-six your world can seem full of uncertainties and your head can be full of doubts and your heart can sometimes be full of brokenness and pain. When you are thirty-six the things you love and feel safe with seem to go and the things that are scary and hard seem to come and seem to stay. Your world is sometimes all about what happened in the past or what might happened in the future and you forget to live in present…you don’t know how to focus on what is happening right now…this minute…with the people who are experiencing it with you. When you are thirty-six living in the now is so hard because life can be hard. When you are thirty-six you seek stability and calm and peace and you flee from things that are random because randomness is beyond your control and if your world is out of control then then all heck breaks loose.
I spend so much time thinking about what has happened or what will or might happen that I forget to just let things happen.
I have lost my ability to simply enjoy whatever comes in life. I feel the need to prepare for whatever life might throw at me and in the preparation I forget to simply live.
It isn’t that Dotty loves to listen to the songs as they play on the Random setting. The truth is she is simply okay with the setting.
Whatever song comes up next she will deal with it. If she likes it she will sing along. If she doesn’t she will hit Next. Even in hitting the Next Button she still doesn’t know what the next song will be but again that is okay. When the next song comes up that is the one playing now and that is the one she will deal with. Sing along or hit Next again.
So simply. So easy. Not really all that random at all.
Dotty doesn’t get upset if a song she doesn’t like comes on. She doesn’t even get upset if a song she doesn’t like comes on five times in a row…or ten…or twenty. She simply keeps hitting next not knowing what is coming.
When you are eight you are brave like that.
I know life is much more complicated than finding a good song on a cd but what if it isn’t all that much more complicated???
What if we simply let God pick our next song…our next life moment…our next life event? What if we simply quit trying to control our world and just live in it? What if we were okay with the Random Button in life? What if we had faith in our God and in ourselves that together we can handle anything?
I love that Dotty is okay with things being random and beyond her control. I love that Dotty can let go of the need to control something and just enjoy what comes.
I love the fact that Dotty can enjoy the moment…each moment to its fullest. She can sing her heart out to the song that is playing on the stereo as we drive home. Then when we pull up into the driveway she can enjoy the wind and sunshine on her face as she rides her bike along the sidewalk. Then she can enjoy every bite of the chicken nuggets I lovingly warmed up for her in the microwave like they are the best things she has ever eaten.
Each moment, even if it is routine and not a big deal at all, is milked for all its worth by her eight year old self.
She is living life to the fullest.
And I want to be able to do it too.
I want to wake up and enjoy the feel of the warm covers surround me instead of start to immediately worry about what I have to do that day.
I want to pour a glass of orange juice and taste its sweetness instead of absent mindedly drinking it as I check email and Facebook.
I want to bend down and look at Dotty in the face as I listen intently to her when she tells me about her dream the night before instead of nodding and uh-huhing to her as I barely listen while I gather all our stuff up.
I want to enjoy the moment. I want to enjoy my eight year old.
I don’t get either one of them back when the moment is gone and the eight year old is nine…or ten…or twenty…or thirty-six.
I want hit the Random Button on my life and let God lead the way.
I want to take my hands off the control buttons because let’s face it…I haven’t been doing that great of a job anyway.
I want to let go…and let God.
Because deep down I know if I let Him guide me, my path will never be random.
I distinctly remember thinking to myself how I would never push the Random Button and even the Repeat Button was a highly unlikely choice. I even remember pondering why in the world would someone want to hit the Random Button? I have never in my life bought a cd in which I liked all the songs. In fact, I like it when I get so familiar with a cd that I know the minute one song ends if I need to skip the next song or not. The whole idea of a Random Button seemed quite…well random to me.
It was less than a few weeks after I got the new car when Dotty noticed the Random and Repeat Buttons that showed up on the touch screen when a cd was popped in to play.
Dotty asked “Momma, What do those buttons do?”
I explained “The Repeat Button will just keep repeating the same song over and over again. The Random Button will play the songs in a random order. Like it might play song number two then jump to song number six then back to number three then to number nine then back to one. There is no particular order it will go in. The system will just randomly choose the next song.”
Dotty – nodding…thinking…fingers twitching in excitement.
Needless to say, a year later, Dotty now uses those buttons quite frequently.
When Dotty gets a new cd we listen to the whole thing but then she goes back to her favorite ones (usually the loudest and poppiest songs) and she will hit the Repeat Button on each one until it has played at least four or five hundred times. This process ensures she has learned all the words, come up with a dance routine to the song, and done several videos of herself on her iPod singing and performing said song.
I handle the Repeat Button fairly well…to a point. As long as I, in general, like the song and the car ride is under 15 minutes I figure I can endure anything until she gets out of the car.
However, the Random Button simply kills my inner need for order and my love of predictability.
This past weekend I was battling being ill for what seemed like forever but was at least a good five weeks. I had reached my “OTC Meds Just Aren’t Cutting It” breaking point and had been to the doctor. My mom was a saint and had kept Dotty most of the weekend so I could rest and let my body heal.
When I got Dotty on Sunday afternoon I needed to run a quick errand. As Dotty and I were driving through town Dotty popped in one of her favorite Christian music cds. I personally like almost all the songs on there but Dotty has about five on the cd she prefers to listen to and the others she prefers to skip.
She made sure to search through the Browse screen and find her all time favorite song first. We rocked out to it…singing and dancing as we drove past amused onlookers. Let it be known, Dotty and I can have quite the dance party in my car and we have perfected choreographed routines to many songs that not only prompt but entice people to stare at us…especially at stop lights.
After we had gotten our jam on Dotty hit the Random Button. The next three songs were not her faves. Dotty kept asking me to skip the songs. At one point we had “skipped” the same song five times within a 30 second period.
My Tylenol and my patience were wearing off at a rapid rate.
I aggressively pushed off the Random Button and said in my most snappy, matter of fact, mom voice “Dotty. When you push the Random Button I have no control over what song will come up next. If you will just let the cd play as normal in the proper order then I can control what number song we go to.”
Dotty sat there very quiet.
Dotty usually sits very quiet when I do that voice.
Unfortunately, Dotty has heard that voice often in her life.
After a while Dotty relaxed back into her seat, grabbed her iPod, and began to play a game. Our fun, carefree time was over. I had ended it with the push of a button. I had ended it with my no nonsense words. I had ended it. Not Dotty. Me.
As we drove in silence I began to think about how often in life I ended Dotty’s “Random Life Moments”. After all, she is only eight so being random kind of comes with the territory.
Dotty can one minute be singing and dancing and the next minute ask if we can bake a cake. She can be yawning and laying her head on my shoulder and then jump up and want to take her new puppy for a walk when it is time for bed. She can love math one minute and hate it the next. She can pick out her clothes the night before while she is getting ready for bed and come walking out of her room the next day in a totally different outfit.
Dotty likes to be a girlie girl and a tomboy.
Dotty wants to be the smartest girl in her class but she wants to need the teacher’s help too.
Dotty wants to be a teacher when she grows up, who works as a nurse at night, runs the family store on the weekend, and stars in Broadway plays in the summer.
Dotty wants to be a mom, the President of the United States, an astronaut, a paleontologist, and a farmer…and she wants to do it all before she gets old…like me.
Dotty is eight.
When you are eight the world is full of possibilities and your head is full of dreams and your heart is full of hope. When you are eight things come and things go but your world is what is happening right now…right this minute…with the people you are with at that very moment in time. When you are eight you live in the now…and the now changes. When you are eight your life is random but it doesn’t seem random to you.
However when you are thirty-six your world can seem full of uncertainties and your head can be full of doubts and your heart can sometimes be full of brokenness and pain. When you are thirty-six the things you love and feel safe with seem to go and the things that are scary and hard seem to come and seem to stay. Your world is sometimes all about what happened in the past or what might happened in the future and you forget to live in present…you don’t know how to focus on what is happening right now…this minute…with the people who are experiencing it with you. When you are thirty-six living in the now is so hard because life can be hard. When you are thirty-six you seek stability and calm and peace and you flee from things that are random because randomness is beyond your control and if your world is out of control then then all heck breaks loose.
I spend so much time thinking about what has happened or what will or might happen that I forget to just let things happen.
I have lost my ability to simply enjoy whatever comes in life. I feel the need to prepare for whatever life might throw at me and in the preparation I forget to simply live.
It isn’t that Dotty loves to listen to the songs as they play on the Random setting. The truth is she is simply okay with the setting.
Whatever song comes up next she will deal with it. If she likes it she will sing along. If she doesn’t she will hit Next. Even in hitting the Next Button she still doesn’t know what the next song will be but again that is okay. When the next song comes up that is the one playing now and that is the one she will deal with. Sing along or hit Next again.
So simply. So easy. Not really all that random at all.
Dotty doesn’t get upset if a song she doesn’t like comes on. She doesn’t even get upset if a song she doesn’t like comes on five times in a row…or ten…or twenty. She simply keeps hitting next not knowing what is coming.
When you are eight you are brave like that.
I know life is much more complicated than finding a good song on a cd but what if it isn’t all that much more complicated???
What if we simply let God pick our next song…our next life moment…our next life event? What if we simply quit trying to control our world and just live in it? What if we were okay with the Random Button in life? What if we had faith in our God and in ourselves that together we can handle anything?
I love that Dotty is okay with things being random and beyond her control. I love that Dotty can let go of the need to control something and just enjoy what comes.
I love the fact that Dotty can enjoy the moment…each moment to its fullest. She can sing her heart out to the song that is playing on the stereo as we drive home. Then when we pull up into the driveway she can enjoy the wind and sunshine on her face as she rides her bike along the sidewalk. Then she can enjoy every bite of the chicken nuggets I lovingly warmed up for her in the microwave like they are the best things she has ever eaten.
Each moment, even if it is routine and not a big deal at all, is milked for all its worth by her eight year old self.
She is living life to the fullest.
And I want to be able to do it too.
I want to wake up and enjoy the feel of the warm covers surround me instead of start to immediately worry about what I have to do that day.
I want to pour a glass of orange juice and taste its sweetness instead of absent mindedly drinking it as I check email and Facebook.
I want to bend down and look at Dotty in the face as I listen intently to her when she tells me about her dream the night before instead of nodding and uh-huhing to her as I barely listen while I gather all our stuff up.
I want to enjoy the moment. I want to enjoy my eight year old.
I don’t get either one of them back when the moment is gone and the eight year old is nine…or ten…or twenty…or thirty-six.
I want hit the Random Button on my life and let God lead the way.
I want to take my hands off the control buttons because let’s face it…I haven’t been doing that great of a job anyway.
I want to let go…and let God.
Because deep down I know if I let Him guide me, my path will never be random.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Forgivness and the Beast
Yesterday on the way to softball practice Dotty was doing some of her math homework in the car. (Side note: These days we do a lot of things in the car such as homework, eat, sleep, get dressed, do our hair, and if we are in a pinch…wet wipes substitute as a shower sometimes.) This part of Dotty’s homework was a timed assignment. She had two minutes to answer all 25 math problems. After the two minutes were up I was supposed to check them.
Sixty-five seconds into the assignment Dotty yells “DONE!”
I replied “You still have some time left…why don’t you use that time to double check your answers.”
Dotty’s head went back down. Twenty seconds later Dotty announces “I am done checking them!”
She couldn’t even wait until I could stop to look over the sheet. She started calling out the problem and her answer so I could verify she was correct.
Dotty – 4+2=6
Me – Correct
Dotty – 2+6=8
Me - Correct
Dotty – 2+8=10
Me – Correct
Dotty – 1+2=3
Me – Correct
And so on and so forth.
About halfway down I hear “6+2=7”
Me – Ummm…what?
Dotty – 6+2=7 (she repeated in her best second grade sarcastic tone)
Me – Noooooo. Actually it doesn’t.
Dotty - ……..
She then starts wailing about how she meant to put down 8 and how I just had to let her change it. I calmly said that not only did she have time to get it right the first time but she also had time to check her answers and that I was in fact going to count it wrong since it would have been wrong if her teacher would have checked it. (We have had problems with Dotty rushing through her work so I was trying to prove a point.)
Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth was quite the show. Dotty threw her papers into the floorboard of my car…chunked her pencil at the dash…kicked the seat with her heels with such violence I thought she might hurt herself and proceeded to scream like a possessed child.
I sat across from her gripping the steering wheel like I was holding on to a rope for dear life as I dangled over the edge of cliff. Because I was in fact standing on the edge of a cliff. The cliff was Rational Mom. The valley below was Crazy Mom. Not only was I about to fall into the valley…I was almost ready to jump willingly and with gusto into the valley.
I took five calming breaths and I noticed Dotty was taking a few breaths herself (only hers sounded like growls). Through gritted teeth I said “That is quite enough Dotty. What on earth has gotten into you to act like that?”
It was a question I wasn’t expecting her to answer but she did…loudly.
“I knew the answer…I KNEW IT!!!” Dotty yelled at the window.
Just as I was about to match her volume and surpass it by about three octaves I caught her profile out of the corner of my eye.
Dotty was sitting in the seat hunched over…head down…lose hairs falling over her face…arms crossed tightly across her chest…and her lower lip stuck out about three feet.
I was shocked.
She looked just like a picture of me from when I was a little girl even younger than Dotty is now.
That is when I realized it.
Poor kid is so much like me it is scary.
I too HATE to be wrong. I too can throw some hellacious fits when I get angry and frustrated and mostly with myself. I too am a perfectionist. I too have chunked pencils across rooms as recently as last week. I too can go overboard. I too can be mad at everything and everyone in a matter of milliseconds. I too can be so mad at myself I will literally cause myself bodily harm without even caring that I hurt myself.
Dotty is just like me in so many ways…and I think…no…I know…that is why I react so strongly to her outbursts…because I don’t like it that I have them myself so I really don’t want her to have them!
I backed away from the valley of Crazy Mom and headed down the cliff to the land of Loving Mom and in a calm voice said the only thing I knew to say…
“Dotty…it is okay to make mistakes. We all do. You can’t be perfect all the time.”
I saw Dotty tuck her chin down closer to her chest, wrap her arms tighter around her and her lip went out about another foot. She was digging her heels into this fit and she was not coming out without a fight.
I knew the other thoughts I had about being easier on herself and being okay with getting wrong answers were not the way to go. I had heard the same things from my parents, teachers, coaches, friends, employers, employees, and even from a few strangers who were witnesses to my wrath of anger and none of the things they had said had helped either.
I am still a 36 year old woman who will rip about three feet of calculator tape out of an adding machine if I can’t get the same total to come up twice after about four tries. I have left a painting class that was supposed to be a fun night out with friends only to come home and with a vengeance throw my finished project into the trashcan and slam the lid so loud the neighbors three doors down thought we had experienced an earthquake.
Nope. The words that were originally on my mind were not going to help Dotty at this particular moment. Or at least they had not helped me…so I went another direction.
I softly patted Dotty’s elbow and said “I struggle with my anger and frustration daily. Every day I have to work to keep it from coming out of me like a beast that hasn’t been fed in days. I can feel it boiling up and I try to push it down again and again…but sometimes I can’t. Those are the times I yell and slam down my purse and stomp around the house. Those are the times I regret the most. Because when the beast of my anger and frustration goes back to its cave I have to deal with the wreckage it caused and sometimes that wreckage is the look I see on your face Dotty. When I see what all damage my anger caused I have to clean up my mess. Sometimes I have to physically pick up things I threw around like my purse or the bags of groceries…and sometimes I have to pick up your spirit and feelings that I crushed when I let the beast rage like it did.
I never like it when the beast comes out and I always regret it. I have to ask forgiveness from God for my actions…from you and others for my actions…and then I have to do the hardest part of all…I have to ask myself for forgiveness too.
Forgiving myself is so hard. I am my toughest critic. I can beat myself up over the smallest things. I set standards for myself that I would never hold anyone else to and when I fail I tell myself I am a failure. I call myself horrible names and I hurt my own feelings. I am my own biggest bully.
I am also working on not doing that to myself anymore. I am working on loving myself more…being more compassionate and forgiving. It isn’t easy…I still have a lot of work to do but I ask God to help me every day.
I don’t know what thoughts go through your head when you make a mistake but I can guess and I bet I would be pretty close…because I had those thoughts too…and still do. But the thoughts we think are not always the truth…and we can control our thoughts…and we can change them. We can say nicer things in our heads. We can become our own cheerleaders in our own minds.
God knows we are not perfect. He made us to be imperfect people so we would rely on Him to help us while we are here on earth. God wants us to turn to Him and ask for help. He wants to help us…with everything…including the beasts that live inside all of us.
God lives inside us too…and He is full of love, patience, kindness, mercy and grace. We just have to seek Him out when we feel the beast waking up.
I know you hate to get things wrong and I know you hate to be corrected especially by me…because you want me to see you as perfect…and I do…in so many ways. You are my perfect gift from God. He was perfectly correct when He gave me you.
I want you to know that even when your beast is raging and you are being mean to everyone including me and including yourself that is when I am going to love and support you the most. When you are tearing yourself down and become your own worst enemy I will be your biggest fan and your loudest cheerleader. When you make what you feel like is the worst mistake ever I will reassure you that everything will be okay. If the whole world turns against you and you agree with that world, then you will all have to fight me…because I will be fighting for you!”
We pulled up to practice about that time and I wasn’t sure if I was getting through to Dotty but after practice when we got back in the car she picked up her papers out of the floorboard, found her pencil, and help my hand the whole way home.
We didn’t talk much on the way home…I guess I had said a lot and she was afraid I would go for Part Two or something. I don’t know what Dotty was thinking but I was thinking about several things.
#1 I need to watch how hard I come down on Dotty when she makes mistakes in school, sports, and life because I need to remember she is coming down hard on herself already. Compounding the problem won’t make it better but could make it much, much worse.
#2 I need to take my own advice and stop feeding the beast on such a regular basis. While I know God will forgive me, I also know how hard it is to forgive myself when I get so angry and frustrated and take it out on others and myself. I need to stop before the beast takes over and ask God for His help to put the beast back in its cave.
#3 Forgiveness is so easy to give to others but so hard to give to ourselves. I still struggle with this one most of all. If I expect Dotty to be able to forgive herself I need to lead by example and be more forgiving of myself.
I love the fact that Dotty and I have the same blue eyes, the same dimple, the same love of Disney movies and tv shows, the same love to dance and get our groove on, the same love of cheesecake, and so many other things. I love how much she resembles me and my personality in a lot of ways.
But my heart breaks for the negative traits that are being passed down to her either by nature or nurture. In many ways she is a copy of me. Sometimes that scares me. I want to pass along all my good characteristics and none of my bad ones but unfortunately they are all tangled up together in the hot mess that makes me…me.
The best thing I can do I guess is show her what I am learning…how to love ourselves in spite of ourselves sometimes
Sixty-five seconds into the assignment Dotty yells “DONE!”
I replied “You still have some time left…why don’t you use that time to double check your answers.”
Dotty’s head went back down. Twenty seconds later Dotty announces “I am done checking them!”
She couldn’t even wait until I could stop to look over the sheet. She started calling out the problem and her answer so I could verify she was correct.
Dotty – 4+2=6
Me – Correct
Dotty – 2+6=8
Me - Correct
Dotty – 2+8=10
Me – Correct
Dotty – 1+2=3
Me – Correct
And so on and so forth.
About halfway down I hear “6+2=7”
Me – Ummm…what?
Dotty – 6+2=7 (she repeated in her best second grade sarcastic tone)
Me – Noooooo. Actually it doesn’t.
Dotty - ……..
She then starts wailing about how she meant to put down 8 and how I just had to let her change it. I calmly said that not only did she have time to get it right the first time but she also had time to check her answers and that I was in fact going to count it wrong since it would have been wrong if her teacher would have checked it. (We have had problems with Dotty rushing through her work so I was trying to prove a point.)
Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth was quite the show. Dotty threw her papers into the floorboard of my car…chunked her pencil at the dash…kicked the seat with her heels with such violence I thought she might hurt herself and proceeded to scream like a possessed child.
I sat across from her gripping the steering wheel like I was holding on to a rope for dear life as I dangled over the edge of cliff. Because I was in fact standing on the edge of a cliff. The cliff was Rational Mom. The valley below was Crazy Mom. Not only was I about to fall into the valley…I was almost ready to jump willingly and with gusto into the valley.
I took five calming breaths and I noticed Dotty was taking a few breaths herself (only hers sounded like growls). Through gritted teeth I said “That is quite enough Dotty. What on earth has gotten into you to act like that?”
It was a question I wasn’t expecting her to answer but she did…loudly.
“I knew the answer…I KNEW IT!!!” Dotty yelled at the window.
Just as I was about to match her volume and surpass it by about three octaves I caught her profile out of the corner of my eye.
Dotty was sitting in the seat hunched over…head down…lose hairs falling over her face…arms crossed tightly across her chest…and her lower lip stuck out about three feet.
I was shocked.
She looked just like a picture of me from when I was a little girl even younger than Dotty is now.
That is when I realized it.
Poor kid is so much like me it is scary.
I too HATE to be wrong. I too can throw some hellacious fits when I get angry and frustrated and mostly with myself. I too am a perfectionist. I too have chunked pencils across rooms as recently as last week. I too can go overboard. I too can be mad at everything and everyone in a matter of milliseconds. I too can be so mad at myself I will literally cause myself bodily harm without even caring that I hurt myself.
Dotty is just like me in so many ways…and I think…no…I know…that is why I react so strongly to her outbursts…because I don’t like it that I have them myself so I really don’t want her to have them!
I backed away from the valley of Crazy Mom and headed down the cliff to the land of Loving Mom and in a calm voice said the only thing I knew to say…
“Dotty…it is okay to make mistakes. We all do. You can’t be perfect all the time.”
I saw Dotty tuck her chin down closer to her chest, wrap her arms tighter around her and her lip went out about another foot. She was digging her heels into this fit and she was not coming out without a fight.
I knew the other thoughts I had about being easier on herself and being okay with getting wrong answers were not the way to go. I had heard the same things from my parents, teachers, coaches, friends, employers, employees, and even from a few strangers who were witnesses to my wrath of anger and none of the things they had said had helped either.
I am still a 36 year old woman who will rip about three feet of calculator tape out of an adding machine if I can’t get the same total to come up twice after about four tries. I have left a painting class that was supposed to be a fun night out with friends only to come home and with a vengeance throw my finished project into the trashcan and slam the lid so loud the neighbors three doors down thought we had experienced an earthquake.
Nope. The words that were originally on my mind were not going to help Dotty at this particular moment. Or at least they had not helped me…so I went another direction.
I softly patted Dotty’s elbow and said “I struggle with my anger and frustration daily. Every day I have to work to keep it from coming out of me like a beast that hasn’t been fed in days. I can feel it boiling up and I try to push it down again and again…but sometimes I can’t. Those are the times I yell and slam down my purse and stomp around the house. Those are the times I regret the most. Because when the beast of my anger and frustration goes back to its cave I have to deal with the wreckage it caused and sometimes that wreckage is the look I see on your face Dotty. When I see what all damage my anger caused I have to clean up my mess. Sometimes I have to physically pick up things I threw around like my purse or the bags of groceries…and sometimes I have to pick up your spirit and feelings that I crushed when I let the beast rage like it did.
I never like it when the beast comes out and I always regret it. I have to ask forgiveness from God for my actions…from you and others for my actions…and then I have to do the hardest part of all…I have to ask myself for forgiveness too.
Forgiving myself is so hard. I am my toughest critic. I can beat myself up over the smallest things. I set standards for myself that I would never hold anyone else to and when I fail I tell myself I am a failure. I call myself horrible names and I hurt my own feelings. I am my own biggest bully.
I am also working on not doing that to myself anymore. I am working on loving myself more…being more compassionate and forgiving. It isn’t easy…I still have a lot of work to do but I ask God to help me every day.
I don’t know what thoughts go through your head when you make a mistake but I can guess and I bet I would be pretty close…because I had those thoughts too…and still do. But the thoughts we think are not always the truth…and we can control our thoughts…and we can change them. We can say nicer things in our heads. We can become our own cheerleaders in our own minds.
God knows we are not perfect. He made us to be imperfect people so we would rely on Him to help us while we are here on earth. God wants us to turn to Him and ask for help. He wants to help us…with everything…including the beasts that live inside all of us.
God lives inside us too…and He is full of love, patience, kindness, mercy and grace. We just have to seek Him out when we feel the beast waking up.
I know you hate to get things wrong and I know you hate to be corrected especially by me…because you want me to see you as perfect…and I do…in so many ways. You are my perfect gift from God. He was perfectly correct when He gave me you.
I want you to know that even when your beast is raging and you are being mean to everyone including me and including yourself that is when I am going to love and support you the most. When you are tearing yourself down and become your own worst enemy I will be your biggest fan and your loudest cheerleader. When you make what you feel like is the worst mistake ever I will reassure you that everything will be okay. If the whole world turns against you and you agree with that world, then you will all have to fight me…because I will be fighting for you!”
We pulled up to practice about that time and I wasn’t sure if I was getting through to Dotty but after practice when we got back in the car she picked up her papers out of the floorboard, found her pencil, and help my hand the whole way home.
We didn’t talk much on the way home…I guess I had said a lot and she was afraid I would go for Part Two or something. I don’t know what Dotty was thinking but I was thinking about several things.
#1 I need to watch how hard I come down on Dotty when she makes mistakes in school, sports, and life because I need to remember she is coming down hard on herself already. Compounding the problem won’t make it better but could make it much, much worse.
#2 I need to take my own advice and stop feeding the beast on such a regular basis. While I know God will forgive me, I also know how hard it is to forgive myself when I get so angry and frustrated and take it out on others and myself. I need to stop before the beast takes over and ask God for His help to put the beast back in its cave.
#3 Forgiveness is so easy to give to others but so hard to give to ourselves. I still struggle with this one most of all. If I expect Dotty to be able to forgive herself I need to lead by example and be more forgiving of myself.
I love the fact that Dotty and I have the same blue eyes, the same dimple, the same love of Disney movies and tv shows, the same love to dance and get our groove on, the same love of cheesecake, and so many other things. I love how much she resembles me and my personality in a lot of ways.
But my heart breaks for the negative traits that are being passed down to her either by nature or nurture. In many ways she is a copy of me. Sometimes that scares me. I want to pass along all my good characteristics and none of my bad ones but unfortunately they are all tangled up together in the hot mess that makes me…me.
The best thing I can do I guess is show her what I am learning…how to love ourselves in spite of ourselves sometimes
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Best is good...Better is best...
I am that mom. And I hate it.
I am that mom who sees an 88 on a second grade test paper and thinks "How is she going to be valedictorian if she keeps getting 88s???"
I am that mom who has her child reading her AR book on the way to school in the morning even though we read it five times the night before, quizzes her on spelling words while she takes a bath, and tries to squeeze in vocabulary words during the nightly prayer.
I am that mom who randomly and without warning (and possibly in the middle of a sentence just to see if she is paying attention) will demand her child answer "What is 9+9?? Quick...you should know this by now!"
I am that mom who watches her child miss pitch after pitch when she is at batting practice or ball after ball when she is playing first base and I think "How will she make varsity as a freshman if she can't hit or catch a stinking ball???"
I am that mom who wonders if we can squeeze in private softball lessons into the only free night we have that week?
I am that mom who heads to Academy to buy every piece of catcher's gear because they tried my kid in that position for five minutes during a practice and in my mind she might be the female version of Pudge Rodriquez someday.
I am that mom who thinks my kid should be exposed to every sport and extra curricular activity in case she is the next Serena Williams...or Dara Torres...or Dorothy Hamill...or Mia Hamm...or even the next...Taylor Swift...or Maya Angelou.
I push. I push when I tell myself I shouldn't push. I push when I tell myself she is smart enough...or talented enough...or strong enough to handle being pushed.
I push until she breaks. And then I break because I failed as a parent and hurt my kid.
My kid is only 8 years old and she already knows what it looks like to see her mom disappointed when I look into the folder of her backpack or when I watch from the sidelines. She knows. She has seen my face...she has heard me yell...she has heard my silence.
She knows.
And she is a competitive perfectionist herself which makes this situation even crazier. She hates to not be the best. She hates to mess up. She hates to get answers wrong. She REALLY hates to be corrected...ESPECIALLY by me or her dad.
So Friday night as I was driving home from a football game getting text messages about how Dotty's first slumber party was going at her dad's house I found myself not thinking about five little girls being silly, or playing dress up, or watching movies, or giggling with each other.
No...I found myself thinking how else I could get Dotty to be better. How I could get her to get 100s more often than almost always. How I could get her to be perfect.
Then it hit me...not another vehicle...although the impact of my realization did bring about physical pain.
I was that kid who strived for perfection in every area. I was that student who had stomach ulcers in high school from worrying about grades. I was that player who loved sports but never really enjoyed them because I was so worried about messing up. I was that friend who wanted everyone to like me so much I didn't like myself very much.
I was also valedictorian. I also did make the varsity basketball team as a freshman. If you look at my high school and college resume you might be very impressed. And I will say I loved being good and smart and successful. I still do. I still push to be perfect.
But I am also the adult who has spent many hours in counseling working on my addiction to perfection. I no longer get "graded" and without those grades I have lost a lot of validation that I am still "good enough". I no longer play sports in which whole towns cheer for me and my team and now it is hard to be my own cheering section.
As all this hit me so suddenly Friday night I pulled my car over. I could barely breath under all this new insight.
I sat there thinking to myself..."How much good did being valedictorian or on varsity really do me in the long run???" Yes I got scholarships that were very helpful and yes I learned how to work hard both in school and in sports and I carry that work ethic over into my every day life. But when high school and college were all said and done...what did a 4.0 GPA or a letter jacket with a bunch of patches on it really mean now at almost 36 years of age.
Nothing.
So I had to reevaluate what I really want Dotty to learn in school and sports and extra curricular activities and life in general.
I want her to learn how to be a good person. I want her to learn how to be kind and compassionate. I want her to learn how to help those who can't help themselves. I want her to learn what really makes her happy (not what will make her momma happy). I want her to learn how to be her own #1 fan. I want her to learn how to fail...and then try again...and then fail again...and still be okay. I want her to love herself. I want her to know that nothing...and no one is perfect. I want her to learn to do her best and then to let the rest go.
I am a big believer in the power of positive sayings and if you walk into my house you will see post-it notes all over surfaces with positive affirmations written on them. My newest favorite that I heard the other day is "Best is good...Better is best".
I have it written on several notes throughout the house and I asked Dotty if she knew what it meant.
"Nope...but I bet you are going to tell me" she said with her best second grade sarcastic voice.
I explained to her that being the best is okay...it isn't bad to be the best and in fact it is good to be...but just trying to make ourselves better is really the best way to look at life. Every day we should wake up and try to make ourselves not the best...not perfect...but simply better than we were.
My favorite Maya Angelou quote is "when you know better you do better" and I swear this is my mantra for life and especially for parenting.
I still struggle with my addiction to perfection but I am trying to get better.
As her mom I don't want to pass this addiction onto my sweet girl. I want her to be better than me. I want her to be happier and healthier and whole. I want her to work hard and try hard and do her best but I don't want her to feel like she has to be perfect to be accepted or okay or loved.
So my homework as a parent is to practice letting go of the ideas that my kid can or should be the best at anything and to simply let her be the best Dotty she can be. After all the world has lots of valedictorians and people who can hit homeruns but in this world there is only one Dotty.
I am that mom who sees an 88 on a second grade test paper and thinks "How is she going to be valedictorian if she keeps getting 88s???"
I am that mom who has her child reading her AR book on the way to school in the morning even though we read it five times the night before, quizzes her on spelling words while she takes a bath, and tries to squeeze in vocabulary words during the nightly prayer.
I am that mom who randomly and without warning (and possibly in the middle of a sentence just to see if she is paying attention) will demand her child answer "What is 9+9?? Quick...you should know this by now!"
I am that mom who watches her child miss pitch after pitch when she is at batting practice or ball after ball when she is playing first base and I think "How will she make varsity as a freshman if she can't hit or catch a stinking ball???"
I am that mom who wonders if we can squeeze in private softball lessons into the only free night we have that week?
I am that mom who heads to Academy to buy every piece of catcher's gear because they tried my kid in that position for five minutes during a practice and in my mind she might be the female version of Pudge Rodriquez someday.
I am that mom who thinks my kid should be exposed to every sport and extra curricular activity in case she is the next Serena Williams...or Dara Torres...or Dorothy Hamill...or Mia Hamm...or even the next...Taylor Swift...or Maya Angelou.
I push. I push when I tell myself I shouldn't push. I push when I tell myself she is smart enough...or talented enough...or strong enough to handle being pushed.
I push until she breaks. And then I break because I failed as a parent and hurt my kid.
My kid is only 8 years old and she already knows what it looks like to see her mom disappointed when I look into the folder of her backpack or when I watch from the sidelines. She knows. She has seen my face...she has heard me yell...she has heard my silence.
She knows.
And she is a competitive perfectionist herself which makes this situation even crazier. She hates to not be the best. She hates to mess up. She hates to get answers wrong. She REALLY hates to be corrected...ESPECIALLY by me or her dad.
So Friday night as I was driving home from a football game getting text messages about how Dotty's first slumber party was going at her dad's house I found myself not thinking about five little girls being silly, or playing dress up, or watching movies, or giggling with each other.
No...I found myself thinking how else I could get Dotty to be better. How I could get her to get 100s more often than almost always. How I could get her to be perfect.
Then it hit me...not another vehicle...although the impact of my realization did bring about physical pain.
I was that kid who strived for perfection in every area. I was that student who had stomach ulcers in high school from worrying about grades. I was that player who loved sports but never really enjoyed them because I was so worried about messing up. I was that friend who wanted everyone to like me so much I didn't like myself very much.
I was also valedictorian. I also did make the varsity basketball team as a freshman. If you look at my high school and college resume you might be very impressed. And I will say I loved being good and smart and successful. I still do. I still push to be perfect.
But I am also the adult who has spent many hours in counseling working on my addiction to perfection. I no longer get "graded" and without those grades I have lost a lot of validation that I am still "good enough". I no longer play sports in which whole towns cheer for me and my team and now it is hard to be my own cheering section.
As all this hit me so suddenly Friday night I pulled my car over. I could barely breath under all this new insight.
I sat there thinking to myself..."How much good did being valedictorian or on varsity really do me in the long run???" Yes I got scholarships that were very helpful and yes I learned how to work hard both in school and in sports and I carry that work ethic over into my every day life. But when high school and college were all said and done...what did a 4.0 GPA or a letter jacket with a bunch of patches on it really mean now at almost 36 years of age.
Nothing.
So I had to reevaluate what I really want Dotty to learn in school and sports and extra curricular activities and life in general.
I want her to learn how to be a good person. I want her to learn how to be kind and compassionate. I want her to learn how to help those who can't help themselves. I want her to learn what really makes her happy (not what will make her momma happy). I want her to learn how to be her own #1 fan. I want her to learn how to fail...and then try again...and then fail again...and still be okay. I want her to love herself. I want her to know that nothing...and no one is perfect. I want her to learn to do her best and then to let the rest go.
I am a big believer in the power of positive sayings and if you walk into my house you will see post-it notes all over surfaces with positive affirmations written on them. My newest favorite that I heard the other day is "Best is good...Better is best".
I have it written on several notes throughout the house and I asked Dotty if she knew what it meant.
"Nope...but I bet you are going to tell me" she said with her best second grade sarcastic voice.
I explained to her that being the best is okay...it isn't bad to be the best and in fact it is good to be...but just trying to make ourselves better is really the best way to look at life. Every day we should wake up and try to make ourselves not the best...not perfect...but simply better than we were.
My favorite Maya Angelou quote is "when you know better you do better" and I swear this is my mantra for life and especially for parenting.
I still struggle with my addiction to perfection but I am trying to get better.
As her mom I don't want to pass this addiction onto my sweet girl. I want her to be better than me. I want her to be happier and healthier and whole. I want her to work hard and try hard and do her best but I don't want her to feel like she has to be perfect to be accepted or okay or loved.
So my homework as a parent is to practice letting go of the ideas that my kid can or should be the best at anything and to simply let her be the best Dotty she can be. After all the world has lots of valedictorians and people who can hit homeruns but in this world there is only one Dotty.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Dotty is Not a Consolation Prize for Divorce...
I had a very nice lady who has known me and my family for many years talk to me the other day. She was bragging on our successes in the business, how much we had accomplished over the years even with all the ups and downs of life, and so on and so forth. Then she said "You know honey...your marriage might not have worked out but you got a sweet girl out of the deal so I guess it wasn't a total loss was it?!"
I know she meant well...and trust me I have heard worse "compliments" regarding my status in life over the years but for some reason on that day, in that moment, that comment just hit me wrong.
I smiled and said "Well you know I have never considered Dotty a consolation prize for failing at marriage."
Of course this caused the well meaning lady to backtrack faster than A Rod during an interview on PEDs. I wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable or upset her because I don't think she was originally trying to do either of those things to me. We did get past that awkward moment and ended with a hug and a goodbye.
Later I got to thinking about what she had said and about my feelings about the entire situation.
Like Oprah there are a few things I know for sure...
1. Like I told the lady...I don't think God ever intended for Dotty to be mine or Tony's consolation prize for not making our marriage work. Dotty is one fantastic, amazing, off the charts personality, going to do something big someday...kind of kid. The world needed Dotty...or if nothing else...MY world needed Dotty for sure! God knew this. He knew I needed Dotty...and the only way to get Dotty was to put Tony and me together. So no...Dotty is not the consolation prize. She is not the "Let's see what is behind Door #2" in the game show of life. She is not the equivalent to a lifetime supply of Campbell's soup as a parting gift from the "Marriage Game". She is at least one of the MAIN reasons...if not THE reason God put Tony and me together. I believe this...with my whole heart I believe this.
2. Up until my marriage ended life came pretty easy to me. I had a great childhood for the most part. I did well in school and in sports. I had friends. I had family. I had a good job. Of course there were the little dips in the road here and there but nothing major. I knew other people that had REAL big issues in life...but not me. Nope. I had it made. In fact...in some ways...I was basically telling God "I got this Big G....don't you worry about me. I am good. I have my life in control. You go solve world hunger or find a cure for cancer...but don't worry about me...I am all good God! I got this. We can talk later." When I got divorced though I was definitely not "all good". In fact I was one big mess. For the most part I kept it together at work and in front of Dotty but when I was alone or with friends or sitting on my counselor's couch I was a huge mess. During the first year I talked to God more than I had talked to Him in the 30 years before that...I yelled at Him...I questioned Him...I cried to Him...I reasoned with Him...and then finally I stopped talking and I listened to Him. In the last five years I have grown closer to God than ever before. I have talked with Him not only daily but sometimes hourly. I have poured myself into a relationship with God because that was the only way I could heal. God knew He would have to break me...He would have to break my heart WIDE OPEN in order for me to make room for Him. Now don't get me wrong...I have always loved God and worshipped Him but I had never REALLY leaned on God, cried out to God, fell on my knees and talked to God with a heart and a soul so crushed that only God could find all the pieces and put it back together. I don't believe God intentionally hurts us but I do believe that He let's us get hurt so we can find an even bigger strength...an even stronger faith...and an even deeper love through Him. After all, if He would let Job go through all that he endured God would certainly let me have a few months of pain and sorrow if it meant a deeper connection with Him in the end. So my divorce brought me closer to God. Again...I don't think this was the consolation prize...I think it was part of the Plan...Big P from Big G!
3. The last thing I know for sure is we all walk different paths in life...no two roads are the same. My marriage/divorce/coparenting situation is not like anyone else's. We all must travel the road God has for us. Before I figured this out I was very quick to make assumptions about people and their situations. Now I realize I just don't know the whole story...and I am not supposed to because it is not my story. I think I have more compassion for everyone going through the trials of life whatever they may be...at least I hope I do. Many people see Tony and e raising Dotty in our somewhat unconventional way and they make comments both good and bad about it...but what I know for sure is this is what works for us...and most of all for Dotty. I know some of you have ex spouses that are first cousins to Satan himself and trust me my heart breaks for the situations some of you face. I thank God everyday that while Tony and I failed at our marriage (and trust me we both failed at it...we each had our issues big and small that led to the downfall) we have succeeded in raising a kid who for the most part is "okay". She is well adjusted. She is pretty normal...although some of her dance moves are a little out there...but she is pretty normal for an almost 8 year old girl. I don't know what the future holds. Twenty years from now she might be telling her counselor all her problems stem from her parents...but the one thing she can never doubt is if we screwed her up we did so out of love. It was the love Tony and I had for her...the love for her and her well being that has caused us to raise her the way we do. Tony and I still disagree sometimes. We still get on each others nerves. We still don't like the same things in each other that we didn't like five years ago (in fact I can assure you Tony will not like this post)...but we also STILL love Dotty more...more than anything else will ever matter. And Tony and I are just pieces of the path. Brittany is HUGE piece of how we walk our road with raising Dotty. In fact...sometimes she, as Dotty's step-mom, is the glue that holds the whole road together! Our parents, siblings, friends, and so many others who love Dotty more than they love picking a side in a divorce are also a part of the path. Tony and I are pretty good parents because we have a crazy awesome support system that won't let us fail. These people might not always agree with our choices...they might not understand them...but they see Dotty smile and they know that she is the only reason we do what we do.
I give a lot of "shout outs" on FB to family, friends, staff, strangers...and of course Dotty but I don't think I have ever given one to Tony. So here goes...
He is a great dad to Dotty (and Dylann, Dotty's little sister, and will be to his little boy that is on the way). He is a good person. He had his good points as a husband. He had his faults too (just like I did). And he is a good ex-husband in many ways.
God has shown me over the last five years what it takes to forgive someone and what it takes to get forgiveness in return. God has shown me that REAL forgiveness can't come with stipulations or ultimatums. Real forgiveness is freely given. Real forgiveness is a choice we offer up every day. Real forgiveness can't be forced or rushed. Real forgiveness comes from a deep place that real pain and real love also reside. Real forgiveness is what we give others and what we must give to ourselves.
God has made me better in the last five years. I am not the same person I was back in the fall of 2009. I thank the good Lord every day for that. Once again I don't think me becoming a better human being was a consolation prize...I think it was part of the PLAN. I don't know what else God has planned for me but I can guess some parts will be awesome and some parts will be awful and all parts will be for my personal greater good and for the ultimate GLORY to GOD.
I know she meant well...and trust me I have heard worse "compliments" regarding my status in life over the years but for some reason on that day, in that moment, that comment just hit me wrong.
I smiled and said "Well you know I have never considered Dotty a consolation prize for failing at marriage."
Of course this caused the well meaning lady to backtrack faster than A Rod during an interview on PEDs. I wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable or upset her because I don't think she was originally trying to do either of those things to me. We did get past that awkward moment and ended with a hug and a goodbye.
Later I got to thinking about what she had said and about my feelings about the entire situation.
Like Oprah there are a few things I know for sure...
1. Like I told the lady...I don't think God ever intended for Dotty to be mine or Tony's consolation prize for not making our marriage work. Dotty is one fantastic, amazing, off the charts personality, going to do something big someday...kind of kid. The world needed Dotty...or if nothing else...MY world needed Dotty for sure! God knew this. He knew I needed Dotty...and the only way to get Dotty was to put Tony and me together. So no...Dotty is not the consolation prize. She is not the "Let's see what is behind Door #2" in the game show of life. She is not the equivalent to a lifetime supply of Campbell's soup as a parting gift from the "Marriage Game". She is at least one of the MAIN reasons...if not THE reason God put Tony and me together. I believe this...with my whole heart I believe this.
2. Up until my marriage ended life came pretty easy to me. I had a great childhood for the most part. I did well in school and in sports. I had friends. I had family. I had a good job. Of course there were the little dips in the road here and there but nothing major. I knew other people that had REAL big issues in life...but not me. Nope. I had it made. In fact...in some ways...I was basically telling God "I got this Big G....don't you worry about me. I am good. I have my life in control. You go solve world hunger or find a cure for cancer...but don't worry about me...I am all good God! I got this. We can talk later." When I got divorced though I was definitely not "all good". In fact I was one big mess. For the most part I kept it together at work and in front of Dotty but when I was alone or with friends or sitting on my counselor's couch I was a huge mess. During the first year I talked to God more than I had talked to Him in the 30 years before that...I yelled at Him...I questioned Him...I cried to Him...I reasoned with Him...and then finally I stopped talking and I listened to Him. In the last five years I have grown closer to God than ever before. I have talked with Him not only daily but sometimes hourly. I have poured myself into a relationship with God because that was the only way I could heal. God knew He would have to break me...He would have to break my heart WIDE OPEN in order for me to make room for Him. Now don't get me wrong...I have always loved God and worshipped Him but I had never REALLY leaned on God, cried out to God, fell on my knees and talked to God with a heart and a soul so crushed that only God could find all the pieces and put it back together. I don't believe God intentionally hurts us but I do believe that He let's us get hurt so we can find an even bigger strength...an even stronger faith...and an even deeper love through Him. After all, if He would let Job go through all that he endured God would certainly let me have a few months of pain and sorrow if it meant a deeper connection with Him in the end. So my divorce brought me closer to God. Again...I don't think this was the consolation prize...I think it was part of the Plan...Big P from Big G!
3. The last thing I know for sure is we all walk different paths in life...no two roads are the same. My marriage/divorce/coparenting situation is not like anyone else's. We all must travel the road God has for us. Before I figured this out I was very quick to make assumptions about people and their situations. Now I realize I just don't know the whole story...and I am not supposed to because it is not my story. I think I have more compassion for everyone going through the trials of life whatever they may be...at least I hope I do. Many people see Tony and e raising Dotty in our somewhat unconventional way and they make comments both good and bad about it...but what I know for sure is this is what works for us...and most of all for Dotty. I know some of you have ex spouses that are first cousins to Satan himself and trust me my heart breaks for the situations some of you face. I thank God everyday that while Tony and I failed at our marriage (and trust me we both failed at it...we each had our issues big and small that led to the downfall) we have succeeded in raising a kid who for the most part is "okay". She is well adjusted. She is pretty normal...although some of her dance moves are a little out there...but she is pretty normal for an almost 8 year old girl. I don't know what the future holds. Twenty years from now she might be telling her counselor all her problems stem from her parents...but the one thing she can never doubt is if we screwed her up we did so out of love. It was the love Tony and I had for her...the love for her and her well being that has caused us to raise her the way we do. Tony and I still disagree sometimes. We still get on each others nerves. We still don't like the same things in each other that we didn't like five years ago (in fact I can assure you Tony will not like this post)...but we also STILL love Dotty more...more than anything else will ever matter. And Tony and I are just pieces of the path. Brittany is HUGE piece of how we walk our road with raising Dotty. In fact...sometimes she, as Dotty's step-mom, is the glue that holds the whole road together! Our parents, siblings, friends, and so many others who love Dotty more than they love picking a side in a divorce are also a part of the path. Tony and I are pretty good parents because we have a crazy awesome support system that won't let us fail. These people might not always agree with our choices...they might not understand them...but they see Dotty smile and they know that she is the only reason we do what we do.
I give a lot of "shout outs" on FB to family, friends, staff, strangers...and of course Dotty but I don't think I have ever given one to Tony. So here goes...
He is a great dad to Dotty (and Dylann, Dotty's little sister, and will be to his little boy that is on the way). He is a good person. He had his good points as a husband. He had his faults too (just like I did). And he is a good ex-husband in many ways.
God has shown me over the last five years what it takes to forgive someone and what it takes to get forgiveness in return. God has shown me that REAL forgiveness can't come with stipulations or ultimatums. Real forgiveness is freely given. Real forgiveness is a choice we offer up every day. Real forgiveness can't be forced or rushed. Real forgiveness comes from a deep place that real pain and real love also reside. Real forgiveness is what we give others and what we must give to ourselves.
God has made me better in the last five years. I am not the same person I was back in the fall of 2009. I thank the good Lord every day for that. Once again I don't think me becoming a better human being was a consolation prize...I think it was part of the PLAN. I don't know what else God has planned for me but I can guess some parts will be awesome and some parts will be awful and all parts will be for my personal greater good and for the ultimate GLORY to GOD.
Monday, August 24, 2015
2nd Grade...
Today I dropped Dotty off at school for her first day of Second Grade. In the car on the drive over I kept giving Dotty helpful hints like...
- Talk less and listen more.
- You have to be a friend to get a friend.
- Talk to the kid no one else is talking to.
- Be a part of the solution not a part of the problem.
- Wash your hands often. Then use hand sanitizer. Then use some more.
- Don't run with scissors. Actually don't run at all...except on the playground. So I guess just don't take your scissors to the playground.
You guessed it...by the last one Dotty was looking at me like I had lost it. What she didn't know was I was trying really hard by talking non-stop to not lose it and start crying like a baby! I mean seriously...this is not our first "first day of school". We have done this three times already (Pre-K, K, and 1st) not to mention all the times I dropped her off at daycares over the years. So why is it still so hard to watch my baby cross off another milestone in life? Why does it feel like time is slipping away from me so fast and the more I try to slow it down the faster it runs through my fingers?
I did pretty good in front of Dotty at school. I kept a smile on my face. I kept it light hearted. I even helped a bit with Dylann who was having a hard time on the first day of Pre-K and Brittany was a little frazzled too. I watched a few of the other kiddos hanging on to their moms' legs as teachers slowly and sweetly pulled them away. I watched this as my own child could barely get away from me fast enough. I had to physically hold Dotty by both shoulders to get a good-bye kiss. She was in such a hurry to see her friends, to get to class...she is in such a hurry to grow up.
While I am trying to always slow her down...she is always trying to speed up. It is a constant war we wage as mother and daughter.
When I got back in the car Brittany sent me a sweet thank you text and mentioned how the day had been tough. I reminded her how good of a mom she was and what a good job she was doing.
It made me think how all moms are so hard on themselves. We want to create these pinterest perfect moments in life and when they fall short we think we have failed as moms. Let me tell you though I know Brittany is no failure. I see it every day when I see Dotty and Dylann. Brittany is one of the good ones...she loves her kids and wants only the best for them...like all moms should.
I know how hard it is to leave a crying child. I know how hard it is to walk away and will yourself to not look back. I know how hard it is to hold back the tears until you get into the car. I know because I have been there. Dotty has had those moments. We have had those moments.
But I also know this...those days of watching a crying child reach for and cry out for their momma are just as hard on a mom as the days when the child can barely say good-bye and runs into the school building without looking back. Those are the days that a momma cries too.
On those days she cries because she is so proud of her baby...and she cries because she knows her baby is no longer a baby.
Soon friends and boyfriends (heaven help me) will be more important than Mom. Soon the homework will be too hard for Mom to help with. Soon the athletic ability will mean Mom is no longer "letting them win". Soon the only times Mom will get a really good snuggle is when there are hurt feelings or a broken heart involved.
Moms cry on these days because they can see the transition coming...and it is closer than they want it to be.
I don't miss the days that Dotty cried when I left...but I also am not looking forward to the days when Dotty won't even let me get out of the car to hug her goodbye. I want my child to be independent in a lot of ways but I also want her to always need me in some ways. I am so proud of the little girl Dotty has become but I want to keep her a little girl as long as possible. I am excited about what the future holds for Dotty but I don't want that future to come any time soon.
Basically I want what I can't have. You can't keep a little kid from growing up...we hope and pray they all get the chance to do just that.
So I do what all moms have done for years and years and will continue to do for years to come. I smile so my kid knows I am okay. I tell her what a great day she will have on this first day of second grade. I laugh at her and her friends and the things they talk about. I get one last hug and a quick kiss and I smile even bigger.
Then I hurry off to my car and I cry once the door is shut. Through my tears I post pics on Facebook and send them via email to great-grandparents. It takes me a few minutes and when the tears are all gone I look up to see I am the last parent in the parking lot. All the other parents have moved on.
And so...I do the same. I move on...I enjoy this last first...and I look forward to the next.
- Talk less and listen more.
- You have to be a friend to get a friend.
- Talk to the kid no one else is talking to.
- Be a part of the solution not a part of the problem.
- Wash your hands often. Then use hand sanitizer. Then use some more.
- Don't run with scissors. Actually don't run at all...except on the playground. So I guess just don't take your scissors to the playground.
You guessed it...by the last one Dotty was looking at me like I had lost it. What she didn't know was I was trying really hard by talking non-stop to not lose it and start crying like a baby! I mean seriously...this is not our first "first day of school". We have done this three times already (Pre-K, K, and 1st) not to mention all the times I dropped her off at daycares over the years. So why is it still so hard to watch my baby cross off another milestone in life? Why does it feel like time is slipping away from me so fast and the more I try to slow it down the faster it runs through my fingers?
I did pretty good in front of Dotty at school. I kept a smile on my face. I kept it light hearted. I even helped a bit with Dylann who was having a hard time on the first day of Pre-K and Brittany was a little frazzled too. I watched a few of the other kiddos hanging on to their moms' legs as teachers slowly and sweetly pulled them away. I watched this as my own child could barely get away from me fast enough. I had to physically hold Dotty by both shoulders to get a good-bye kiss. She was in such a hurry to see her friends, to get to class...she is in such a hurry to grow up.
While I am trying to always slow her down...she is always trying to speed up. It is a constant war we wage as mother and daughter.
When I got back in the car Brittany sent me a sweet thank you text and mentioned how the day had been tough. I reminded her how good of a mom she was and what a good job she was doing.
It made me think how all moms are so hard on themselves. We want to create these pinterest perfect moments in life and when they fall short we think we have failed as moms. Let me tell you though I know Brittany is no failure. I see it every day when I see Dotty and Dylann. Brittany is one of the good ones...she loves her kids and wants only the best for them...like all moms should.
I know how hard it is to leave a crying child. I know how hard it is to walk away and will yourself to not look back. I know how hard it is to hold back the tears until you get into the car. I know because I have been there. Dotty has had those moments. We have had those moments.
But I also know this...those days of watching a crying child reach for and cry out for their momma are just as hard on a mom as the days when the child can barely say good-bye and runs into the school building without looking back. Those are the days that a momma cries too.
On those days she cries because she is so proud of her baby...and she cries because she knows her baby is no longer a baby.
Soon friends and boyfriends (heaven help me) will be more important than Mom. Soon the homework will be too hard for Mom to help with. Soon the athletic ability will mean Mom is no longer "letting them win". Soon the only times Mom will get a really good snuggle is when there are hurt feelings or a broken heart involved.
Moms cry on these days because they can see the transition coming...and it is closer than they want it to be.
I don't miss the days that Dotty cried when I left...but I also am not looking forward to the days when Dotty won't even let me get out of the car to hug her goodbye. I want my child to be independent in a lot of ways but I also want her to always need me in some ways. I am so proud of the little girl Dotty has become but I want to keep her a little girl as long as possible. I am excited about what the future holds for Dotty but I don't want that future to come any time soon.
Basically I want what I can't have. You can't keep a little kid from growing up...we hope and pray they all get the chance to do just that.
So I do what all moms have done for years and years and will continue to do for years to come. I smile so my kid knows I am okay. I tell her what a great day she will have on this first day of second grade. I laugh at her and her friends and the things they talk about. I get one last hug and a quick kiss and I smile even bigger.
Then I hurry off to my car and I cry once the door is shut. Through my tears I post pics on Facebook and send them via email to great-grandparents. It takes me a few minutes and when the tears are all gone I look up to see I am the last parent in the parking lot. All the other parents have moved on.
And so...I do the same. I move on...I enjoy this last first...and I look forward to the next.
Conversations with my now 2nd grader...
Life with Dotty is never boring. Our conversations are pretty awesome these days...here are just a few pieces of today's after school talk...
Me - Did you make any new friends?
Dot - Yep. Two new ones.
Me - Great! What are their names?
Dot - I have no idea. I don't do details.
Me - I don't know how I feel about having a second grader!
Dot - What about when I go to Jr. High?
Me - I might not get out of the house!
Dot - High school?
Me - I might not get out of bed!
Dot - College?
Me - I am just going to wrap my arms around you and hold on tight!!!
Dot - Well that is one way to get a kid "held back" in school.
Then she laughs so hard at her own joke I laugh even harder!
Me - I love you more than you know Dotty.
Dot - I have deep regards for you.
Me - Deep regards huh?!
Dot - It is better than having shallow regards.
Crazy kid!!! I have no idea where she gets this from!
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Vacation is No Vacation...
All week my house has been pretty close to spotless. All the clothes are folded or hung up nicely, all the beds are made, all the pillows are on the couch, all the blankets are put away, all the toys are tucked neatly in their proper spots...my house looks really pretty awesome if I do say so myself. My house has also been very serene and peaceful. The tv has been off most of the week. I have spent countless hours reading in the stillness and the silence that has surrounded me. Occasionally I would get on my computer and the tap-tap-tapping of my fingers on the keyboard would echo through the house but for the most part other than the swirling sounds of fans or ticking of clocks my house has been pretty silent.
Some of you would think this week must have been a great one for me...and some of you know that this week has been almost pure torture because you too have had to deal with weeks when your child was gone. Whether they are gone for camps or visits to grandparents or to see their other parent the fact is your child is not home.
In order to survive times like this many of you might turn to my strategy. During the days you keep yourself so booked up and so busy you barely have time to think. When the evenings roll around you either schedule time to catch up with friends and family you don't see very often or you have a to-do list of errands a mile long that you hope and pray will last until bedtime.
Unfortunately there comes a time when I have to go home. I have to walk into my perfectly clean, amazingly straight, super quiet, Dottyless home. And this is simply not the home I want to live in. Every night I hold back tears or sometimes let them fall. Every night I go to bed early just so I can be done with one more day and be that much closer to Dotty's return.
I know I am lucky it is only a week I have to do this each year. Some of you endure much more, much longer and I simply don't know how you do it. I guess just like anything else in life...we do it because we have to and because we love our kids.
I know Dotty is having a wonderful time with her Nichols side of the family just like she has a wonderful time with me when we go on vacation. I also know that when Dotty and I are gone for long periods of time on our trips Tony feels just like I do. He feels like a piece of his heart is missing.
I laid in bed last night thinking about how in a little over 10 years Dotty will go off to college and this will be my world from that point on.
I almost got physically sick at that thought.
Then I began to wonder if you could home school college kids...then I began to wonder if it was too late to enroll her in MSU now and go ahead and pay for it that way she couldn't get too far away from me...then I began to wonder how to make time stop.
Sadly many of you parents will soon have your babies heading off to college and my heart breaks for you! I have a decade left to prepare but I know even that will not be enough time. Even with 10 years still to go I will still want more time.
(Of course I have heard it said that the reason why teenagers are so bad is so parents are glad to see them leave the house at 18 but hopefully Dotty's teenage years won't kill me or us or our relationship! Hey a mom can hope!!!)
It has been five years since Tony and I divorced. Five years since we started sharing our time with Dotty. It hasn't gotten any easier. It perhaps has become the new "normal" but it has never gotten easier. Like I said (and simply can't say enough) I know how blessed I am that Tony and I can get along as well as we do and that we even have a highly functioning dysfunctional family that does a lot of stuff together. I know how good God is to have Brittany and Dylann and Baby Boy Nichols in Dotty's life and in mine. I know how lucky I am that I can still talk and laugh and get along with my ex-in-laws. Trust me...I know in the grand scheme of things I have it pretty dang good.
But I also know that seven nights without my Dotty is hard on this momma. Divorce is never good...it is never easy...even in my case where my divorce is about as good as they come. The fact is there is still hurt and pain in divorces...long after the papers are signed and the case is closed there are still nights with tears and there are still broken hearts.
Someday I want Dotty to know that both Tony and I encouraged her time with the other parent out of love for her. In a true act of selflessness we gave up what we wanted so she could have the best childhood a kid with divorced parents could possibly have. Tony and I let our own hearts break so Dotty's heart could be filled with the love of three parents (yep...Brittany loves my kid just like her own and for that I will always be grateful...and I pray to God that someday He adds a fourth parent...a step-dad who will love Dotty like the rest of us do) and countless other family members who care for her in ways she won't ever really be able to understand until she becomes a parent herself.
To say I dread the first week in August every year is an understatement. To say I cherish the other 51 weeks of the year is my goal and solemn vow to Dotty.
Some of you would think this week must have been a great one for me...and some of you know that this week has been almost pure torture because you too have had to deal with weeks when your child was gone. Whether they are gone for camps or visits to grandparents or to see their other parent the fact is your child is not home.
In order to survive times like this many of you might turn to my strategy. During the days you keep yourself so booked up and so busy you barely have time to think. When the evenings roll around you either schedule time to catch up with friends and family you don't see very often or you have a to-do list of errands a mile long that you hope and pray will last until bedtime.
Unfortunately there comes a time when I have to go home. I have to walk into my perfectly clean, amazingly straight, super quiet, Dottyless home. And this is simply not the home I want to live in. Every night I hold back tears or sometimes let them fall. Every night I go to bed early just so I can be done with one more day and be that much closer to Dotty's return.
I know I am lucky it is only a week I have to do this each year. Some of you endure much more, much longer and I simply don't know how you do it. I guess just like anything else in life...we do it because we have to and because we love our kids.
I know Dotty is having a wonderful time with her Nichols side of the family just like she has a wonderful time with me when we go on vacation. I also know that when Dotty and I are gone for long periods of time on our trips Tony feels just like I do. He feels like a piece of his heart is missing.
I laid in bed last night thinking about how in a little over 10 years Dotty will go off to college and this will be my world from that point on.
I almost got physically sick at that thought.
Then I began to wonder if you could home school college kids...then I began to wonder if it was too late to enroll her in MSU now and go ahead and pay for it that way she couldn't get too far away from me...then I began to wonder how to make time stop.
Sadly many of you parents will soon have your babies heading off to college and my heart breaks for you! I have a decade left to prepare but I know even that will not be enough time. Even with 10 years still to go I will still want more time.
(Of course I have heard it said that the reason why teenagers are so bad is so parents are glad to see them leave the house at 18 but hopefully Dotty's teenage years won't kill me or us or our relationship! Hey a mom can hope!!!)
It has been five years since Tony and I divorced. Five years since we started sharing our time with Dotty. It hasn't gotten any easier. It perhaps has become the new "normal" but it has never gotten easier. Like I said (and simply can't say enough) I know how blessed I am that Tony and I can get along as well as we do and that we even have a highly functioning dysfunctional family that does a lot of stuff together. I know how good God is to have Brittany and Dylann and Baby Boy Nichols in Dotty's life and in mine. I know how lucky I am that I can still talk and laugh and get along with my ex-in-laws. Trust me...I know in the grand scheme of things I have it pretty dang good.
But I also know that seven nights without my Dotty is hard on this momma. Divorce is never good...it is never easy...even in my case where my divorce is about as good as they come. The fact is there is still hurt and pain in divorces...long after the papers are signed and the case is closed there are still nights with tears and there are still broken hearts.
Someday I want Dotty to know that both Tony and I encouraged her time with the other parent out of love for her. In a true act of selflessness we gave up what we wanted so she could have the best childhood a kid with divorced parents could possibly have. Tony and I let our own hearts break so Dotty's heart could be filled with the love of three parents (yep...Brittany loves my kid just like her own and for that I will always be grateful...and I pray to God that someday He adds a fourth parent...a step-dad who will love Dotty like the rest of us do) and countless other family members who care for her in ways she won't ever really be able to understand until she becomes a parent herself.
To say I dread the first week in August every year is an understatement. To say I cherish the other 51 weeks of the year is my goal and solemn vow to Dotty.
Monday, August 25, 2014
First, Last, and Only
Today was another first for Dotty and me. It was her First Day of First Grade.
We did the usual stuff...pick out a special outfit, lay everything out the night before, go to bed early, wake up early, take pictures in front of the house, the car, back in front of the house again, we took more pictures at school, in front of the school, in front of the "Welcome" sign, in front of other signs...real smiles, fake smiles, and silly faces were captured today!
Then she was so excited to be on her way to find her spot in line that I barely got a hug and kiss goodbye. But by planting myself directly in front of her line of vision and looking deep into those beautiful blue eyes I got a split second to say "Have a great day! I love you!" as I stole a quick kiss...and then she was off!
As Dotty grows up in life she is experiencing all these "firsts" and so am I. Today like so many other days I am reminded that these firsts are also our lasts. Neither of us will ever get another "First Day of First Grade" moment. Neither of us will get another first time to wait for class in the gym versus the library like she did as a Kindergartener. Neither of us will get those first day of first grade butterflies. Today was our last first for this moment.
You see when Dotty was born I had always planned on having at least two kids. I hate to admit this but in a way I had hoped to "survive and learn" with Dotty and then be able to enjoy everything with my second kid. But life has a funny way of showing us we are not in control. The day I realized that I was more than likely never going to have another child of my own was the day I realized that Dotty was no longer my "dress rehearsal". I don't mean that in a bad way I just meant that a part of me thought if I made mistakes with Dotty I could make it right with the next kid.
Thankfully as Maya Angelou would say "when you know better you do better". Now that I am definitely older and I hope a little bit wiser I know that even if I had another child I would screw up with that one too...just in new and undoubtedly head shaking "what was I thinking???" ways. Now I know that Dotty is not the dress rehearsal for me becoming a "perfect parent" because perfection doesn't exist...especially in parenthood. I now know that Dotty is a great teacher to me. She shows me my flaws and the areas in my life I want to improve. She makes me want to be a better person, woman, and mother. She is forgiving of my shortcomings and she is accepting of my flaws. She loves me even when I don't love myself...and she is the first and last person I think of each day.
I used to get sad thinking about how all the firsts are also all the lasts. I used to strive to make every moment perfect (I am a slow learner when it comes to the subject of perfection). However today as I was racing to pick Dotty up from school (and if you know me well...then you know I was late) I was berating myself for not being the mom who was the first one in line to pick up her kid. In fact I was the last one to pick up my kid.
Dotty didn't seem to mind too much though. After a short "Why were you so late? The teacher almost put me on the bus." I told her "Today was a first and so I thought it should be a last in some way too." She just looked at me funny (not the first time I got this look) and went on to tell me all about her day. As she told me all the details her almost 7 year old memory could remember I couldn't help but realize that whether I was the first mom or the last mom what mattered was I was her mom. I was there...late I know...but I was there.
Having an only child does mean that the first first will also be the last first and the only first. However it doesn't matter if you have one kid or if you are the Dugger family with too many to count. What matters is in life we get to keep having these "firsts". Of course some of them we are going to screw up and some of them we are going to get right but the point is we get to keep having them. The truth is when Dotty graduates from high school or college she won't remember I was the last mom to pick her up from school in the first grade...and without looking at pictures she won't remember what she wore the first day. What she will remember is how many times I was there. Was I there a lot or seldom...was I there with a smile or a frown...was I there cheering her on or with my face glued to my phone...was I there to hold her hand, give her a hug, tell her she is great, wipe away a tear, be the one standing up to cheer...was I there...that is all she will remember.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. We are going to make mistakes...being late to school today was not my first mistake nor will it be my last. Some mistakes will be worse than others but if I keep showing up...if I keep being there for Dotty for the firsts, the lasts, the only moments...then the mistakes won't matter.
If I get it right...great! If I make a mess...okay. If we have a Hallmark moment...that is awesome! If we have a "wow that was awful" moment...then we will do better next time!
The fact is Dotty is my first kid...more than likely she is my last and only child. Does it make me treasure things a bit more than a mom with multiple kids...maybe but I doubt it. I know moms with three and four children that cherish each of these moments too and make them all just as great and special as if they had only one child to dote on and concern themselves with. No matter how many children you have in that moment with that particular child it is always your first, last, and only moment. There is no rewind. There are no retakes. This is life. This is the life we give to each of our kids. We all make the most of each moment.
Today was my first, last, and only time to experience the First Day of First Grade with Dotty. Just like it was for her. I enjoyed today in many ways and I only shed a tear or two that my baby girl is growing up. The bad news is today is gone. I don't get it back. But the good news is (God willing) I have so many more days like today to look forward to with Dotty.
I am definitely looking forward to all the firsts, lasts, and only moments to come.
We did the usual stuff...pick out a special outfit, lay everything out the night before, go to bed early, wake up early, take pictures in front of the house, the car, back in front of the house again, we took more pictures at school, in front of the school, in front of the "Welcome" sign, in front of other signs...real smiles, fake smiles, and silly faces were captured today!
Then she was so excited to be on her way to find her spot in line that I barely got a hug and kiss goodbye. But by planting myself directly in front of her line of vision and looking deep into those beautiful blue eyes I got a split second to say "Have a great day! I love you!" as I stole a quick kiss...and then she was off!
As Dotty grows up in life she is experiencing all these "firsts" and so am I. Today like so many other days I am reminded that these firsts are also our lasts. Neither of us will ever get another "First Day of First Grade" moment. Neither of us will get another first time to wait for class in the gym versus the library like she did as a Kindergartener. Neither of us will get those first day of first grade butterflies. Today was our last first for this moment.
You see when Dotty was born I had always planned on having at least two kids. I hate to admit this but in a way I had hoped to "survive and learn" with Dotty and then be able to enjoy everything with my second kid. But life has a funny way of showing us we are not in control. The day I realized that I was more than likely never going to have another child of my own was the day I realized that Dotty was no longer my "dress rehearsal". I don't mean that in a bad way I just meant that a part of me thought if I made mistakes with Dotty I could make it right with the next kid.
Thankfully as Maya Angelou would say "when you know better you do better". Now that I am definitely older and I hope a little bit wiser I know that even if I had another child I would screw up with that one too...just in new and undoubtedly head shaking "what was I thinking???" ways. Now I know that Dotty is not the dress rehearsal for me becoming a "perfect parent" because perfection doesn't exist...especially in parenthood. I now know that Dotty is a great teacher to me. She shows me my flaws and the areas in my life I want to improve. She makes me want to be a better person, woman, and mother. She is forgiving of my shortcomings and she is accepting of my flaws. She loves me even when I don't love myself...and she is the first and last person I think of each day.
I used to get sad thinking about how all the firsts are also all the lasts. I used to strive to make every moment perfect (I am a slow learner when it comes to the subject of perfection). However today as I was racing to pick Dotty up from school (and if you know me well...then you know I was late) I was berating myself for not being the mom who was the first one in line to pick up her kid. In fact I was the last one to pick up my kid.
Dotty didn't seem to mind too much though. After a short "Why were you so late? The teacher almost put me on the bus." I told her "Today was a first and so I thought it should be a last in some way too." She just looked at me funny (not the first time I got this look) and went on to tell me all about her day. As she told me all the details her almost 7 year old memory could remember I couldn't help but realize that whether I was the first mom or the last mom what mattered was I was her mom. I was there...late I know...but I was there.
Having an only child does mean that the first first will also be the last first and the only first. However it doesn't matter if you have one kid or if you are the Dugger family with too many to count. What matters is in life we get to keep having these "firsts". Of course some of them we are going to screw up and some of them we are going to get right but the point is we get to keep having them. The truth is when Dotty graduates from high school or college she won't remember I was the last mom to pick her up from school in the first grade...and without looking at pictures she won't remember what she wore the first day. What she will remember is how many times I was there. Was I there a lot or seldom...was I there with a smile or a frown...was I there cheering her on or with my face glued to my phone...was I there to hold her hand, give her a hug, tell her she is great, wipe away a tear, be the one standing up to cheer...was I there...that is all she will remember.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. We are going to make mistakes...being late to school today was not my first mistake nor will it be my last. Some mistakes will be worse than others but if I keep showing up...if I keep being there for Dotty for the firsts, the lasts, the only moments...then the mistakes won't matter.
If I get it right...great! If I make a mess...okay. If we have a Hallmark moment...that is awesome! If we have a "wow that was awful" moment...then we will do better next time!
The fact is Dotty is my first kid...more than likely she is my last and only child. Does it make me treasure things a bit more than a mom with multiple kids...maybe but I doubt it. I know moms with three and four children that cherish each of these moments too and make them all just as great and special as if they had only one child to dote on and concern themselves with. No matter how many children you have in that moment with that particular child it is always your first, last, and only moment. There is no rewind. There are no retakes. This is life. This is the life we give to each of our kids. We all make the most of each moment.
Today was my first, last, and only time to experience the First Day of First Grade with Dotty. Just like it was for her. I enjoyed today in many ways and I only shed a tear or two that my baby girl is growing up. The bad news is today is gone. I don't get it back. But the good news is (God willing) I have so many more days like today to look forward to with Dotty.
I am definitely looking forward to all the firsts, lasts, and only moments to come.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Dinsey World 2014
For those of you who know me well you know I do not do "character clothing". In fact I barely do prints or stripes or just about anything else that gets away from my solid colors. But the sweat pants in this picture are indeed mine and I have to say that they will forever hold a special place in my heart because they represent to me what a difference time makes.
You see Dotty and I took our first Disney World trip back in September of 2012. Dotty had just turned 5 and I was so excited about what was to be "The Trip of a Lifetime". I put a lot of pressure on this trip to live up to such a high billing and I put a lot of pressure on Dotty and me as the staring role players of this trip. As you can imagine I also set myself up for complete and utter failure.
Disney World 2012 did have good moments (we still met Disney characters, got to see our sweet and special friend Lena, and our hotel was really nice), but overall I remember the trip as being full of frustration, disappointments, and I am sorry to say a few tears shed by Dotty and even me. In general I thought the trip was a failure and that I was a failure as a mother. I won't go so far as to say I hated the trip but I did not look back on it with many fond memories.
Then in April 2013 Dotty and I took a trip to Disneyland. It was an awesome trip and I attributed much of it to being so great because Disneyland is so much smaller than Disney World and we were aided by some awesome family members (Mitch and April Taylor's family) who live in California and were able to show us all the ins and outs of Disneyland.
So now this year we had a choice to make...where to go for our trip. Dotty wanted to go to Disney World again but I was skeptical. I just thought that we were cursed when it came to Disney World. However, with the help of our fabulous Disney Planner, Robbie Burket, we set off for Disney World...but I will say I had a small pit of dread in my stomach.
My game plan with Robbie was to do a few big things and anything else was just going to be bonus. Well that proved to be the best game plan ever. Except for the fact that Dotty wanted to swim in the hotel pool more than I let her (we can swim anywhere) and the fact that Dotty really wanted to go to the Disney Boutique again to get made up like a princess, we had the best trip ever!!!
The pants pictured above are part of the reason why. Let me explain.
On the first Disney trip I wanted everything to be so perfect I missed out on just enjoying time with Dotty. I foolishly thought our trip would look like the commercials I see on tv when I know in my heart those people are just actors and those situations are staged. Just like the rides at Disney...real life comes with ups and downs and sometimes you get a little wet either from a few shed tears or a trip down Splash Mountain...either way the water dries and life is good again.
Was this last trip to Disney perfect? No. Dotty and I both got hot, tired, hungry, frustrated, disappointed, short with each other, etc. A year from now...or especially 10 or 20 years from now will I remember those things? No. I will remember the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, the kisses, the sheer enjoyment of watching my almost 7 year old daughter believe in the magic of Disney.
And I got to the live the magic that comes from a parent getting to make memories with a child.
Those pants pictured above came about because on the last day we were at Disney we had to check all our luggage before we headed to Magic Kingdom. So all we had left at the hotel were the bags we were going to carry on the plane which were full of snacks and new Disney toys. We had a great final day at Magic Kingdom and as we were waiting for the bus to take us back to the hotel I went to open a Coke that I had bought and it spewed all over me. I was drenched!!!
Now I had put an extra shirt in my carry on bag but that was it. So now I was faced with having to fly on a 2 hour plane ride then drive another 2 hours home with sticky pants.
As I sat there a little stunned and drenched in Coke I looked up to see Dotty paralyzed. She even seemed to be a little afraid. You see she was the one who had been carrying the Coke and no doubt had been swinging and playing with it. I am sure she was prepared to hear my roar (and not in the Katy Perry kind of way).
What I did next showed me what a difference time makes.
I simply shrugged my shoulders, got some wet wipes out of our bag and started wiping myself off, and I told Dotty "Looks like Momma will be buying herself some new pants today.". Dotty said, "You aren't mad?" Me, "No. Accidents happen. No use crying or getting mad over spilled Coke."
So when we got back to the hotel the pants above were the ONLY pants the gift shop had. I learned several good lessons from those pants.
1. Pack extra pants in your carry on too.
2. Life is too short to get mad over spilled Coke.
3. People can change.
You see the first Disney trip I would have yelled and gotten very mad over that Coke. I would have made the situation worse than it needed to be. But I am trying to grow and learn to take life as it comes...spilled Coke and all. I don't always do it well or right...but I keep trying.
I hope someday when Dotty has her children and "Coke gets spilled" (whatever the "spilled Coke" actually is in life because it can come in many shapes and forms) I hope she will remember how I handled "spilled Coke". Maybe not every "spill" was handled well but if most of them are then I have done a pretty good job.
As we boarded the plane I noticed a few odd looks...no doubt people were mentally critiquing my fashion choice. In the past I would have worried what those people thought but that day all I worried about was making sure Dotty enjoyed every last minute of our trip and I enjoyed every last moment with her.
The airline attendant asked if we had fun. YES!!!...was our overwhelming reply. Then she asked if this was our first trip. I said no but it was definitely a much better one. She asked if it was because Dotty was older. I simply said "Maybe but I think it has to do with the fact that I am much wiser."
As we waited for the plane to take off Dotty looked up at me and said "Mommy our first Disney World trip was awesome too. We got to spend it with Lena, I got to get dressed up like Tinker Bell, we saw the fireworks, we did the Toy Story ride and a bunch of other stuff." Then she went back to playing with her toys.
As I sat there tears almost spilled from my eyes (it was a day of all kinds of spills) because I was reminded that even when I feel like a failure my kid sees the good in me and in the things we do together. Does Dotty remember the not so great things about our first Disney trip? Of course she does. (She is still banned from playing with my phone because she deleted a lot of pictures on that trip.) But are the not so great things the ones that mean the most to her? No. They aren't. She remembers how if felt to be treated like a princess. How it felt to meet Minnie and Mickey for the first time. How it felt to see a friend we hadn't seen in a while. She remembered the good stuff way more than she did the not so great stuff.
And just like she does so often Dotty taught me a good life lesson. We all try our best but we are all going to fail. It is what we dwell on that matters. We can choose to remember the good things or the bad ones but they are still our choice to make. Life is all about choices and we have the power to choose!!!!
So as Dotty slept the entire plane ride back to Texas I thought back to Disney World 2012 and I remembered the good times only. And I was amazed at how many there were. So from now on I will choose to remember the lessons but only the lessons...not the bad things that resulted in the lessons.
And I will always pack extra pants!!! But I will also always keep those Minnie pants. And someday when Dotty and I are going through my closet we will come across them...and we will laugh...and we will remember...and I will be so grateful!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Quality Matters...
As I get closer to opening up my new store I concerned about a lot of things. The main one though is how I am going to juggle two stores and still be a good mom to Dotty. I know the new store will take up a lot of my time especially in the beginning but I don't want Dotty to suffer because I am trying to be successful in business. On the other hand...I want Dotty to know that in order to be successful in business you have to work hard.
It is a double edged sword for me.
My only consolation comes from knowing that it isn't quantity that matters but rather quality...and prioritizing the important things in life makes adding quality to it a lot easier.
This past Saturday Dotty and I spent a hour snuggling in bed watching cartoons...then we hung our plastic pumpkins in the tree outside our house...then we went and got our nails painted together. The whole time we spent together awake on Saturday was only about 6 hours then Dotty went to spend the rest of the day with Tony, Brittany, and Dylann.
Six hours doesn't seem long but we did a lot during that time.
We snuggled. We hugged. We smiled. We laughed. We carried on a Halloween tradition. We did girlie things. We kissed. We said I love you. We talked about the past, present, and future.
We made our time count.
It wasn't a large quantity of time but it was quality time.
Just the other day a friend of mine who just had a sweet baby boy and I were talking about how hard it is to leave kiddos of any age...but most of us have to do it. She was talking about how by the time she gets home from work it will only be a few hours before it is bath time and bed time for her little bundle of joy. I could sympathize with her because I remembered what it was like to leave Dotty the first time I had to go back to work. I cried the whole way to the Pecan Shed. But luckily even then I knew it was about quality...not quantity.
When Tony and I split up and we started sharing time with Dotty it hit me even more so how much I need to cherish the time I do have with Dotty. And now as I stand just weeks away from yet another big step in my life I have to realize that while my time might be limited with Dotty...the moments shared and the memories made are really unlimited.
Dotty won't remember how many hours I was home before she went to bed. But she will remember that we read stories and we said prayers and I sang her to sleep.
Dotty won't remember what we had for dinner. But she will remember how we sat at the table and talked about what she did at school and what was on her mind.
Dotty won't remember the Saturdays I had to work. But she will remember the Saturday mornings we spent watching princess movies and eating popcorn at 8am.
Dotty won't remember the nights I came home exhausted. But she will remember that she fell asleep in my arms.
Dotty won't remember the mornings I was up before 5am trying to get everything done. But she will remember how we talked in the car on the way to school instead of always just listening to the radio.
Dotty won't remember how I had to kill myself to make it to her school functions and her sporting events. But she will remember that I was there...always.
Quality matters. I may not know who wins the Voice. I may not see my friends as much. I may not ever see any movie above a PG rating for the next 5 years. But my kid will know that she was more important to me than all of that combined times a million.
I can't be with my child every night or every morning. A part of me hates that. But the nights and mornings I can be there will be good ones...for both Dotty and me.
Because when it all comes down to how Dotty remembers her childhood 20 years from now I hope she will remember that I was there...I was present...I was in the moment. I hope she remembers more of "what was" than "what wasn't". I hope she remembers the hugs, the kisses, the laughs, the giggles, the snuggles, the bedtime stories, the talks, the silly dances, the traditions...I hope she remembers the memories...the moments...that we made...and I hope she loves and cherishes them as much as I will.
I may not have a lot of children (quantity) but I have one really great one (quality) and I plan to make the most of every moment with her.
It is a double edged sword for me.
My only consolation comes from knowing that it isn't quantity that matters but rather quality...and prioritizing the important things in life makes adding quality to it a lot easier.
This past Saturday Dotty and I spent a hour snuggling in bed watching cartoons...then we hung our plastic pumpkins in the tree outside our house...then we went and got our nails painted together. The whole time we spent together awake on Saturday was only about 6 hours then Dotty went to spend the rest of the day with Tony, Brittany, and Dylann.
Six hours doesn't seem long but we did a lot during that time.
We snuggled. We hugged. We smiled. We laughed. We carried on a Halloween tradition. We did girlie things. We kissed. We said I love you. We talked about the past, present, and future.
We made our time count.
It wasn't a large quantity of time but it was quality time.
Just the other day a friend of mine who just had a sweet baby boy and I were talking about how hard it is to leave kiddos of any age...but most of us have to do it. She was talking about how by the time she gets home from work it will only be a few hours before it is bath time and bed time for her little bundle of joy. I could sympathize with her because I remembered what it was like to leave Dotty the first time I had to go back to work. I cried the whole way to the Pecan Shed. But luckily even then I knew it was about quality...not quantity.
When Tony and I split up and we started sharing time with Dotty it hit me even more so how much I need to cherish the time I do have with Dotty. And now as I stand just weeks away from yet another big step in my life I have to realize that while my time might be limited with Dotty...the moments shared and the memories made are really unlimited.
Dotty won't remember how many hours I was home before she went to bed. But she will remember that we read stories and we said prayers and I sang her to sleep.
Dotty won't remember what we had for dinner. But she will remember how we sat at the table and talked about what she did at school and what was on her mind.
Dotty won't remember the Saturdays I had to work. But she will remember the Saturday mornings we spent watching princess movies and eating popcorn at 8am.
Dotty won't remember the nights I came home exhausted. But she will remember that she fell asleep in my arms.
Dotty won't remember the mornings I was up before 5am trying to get everything done. But she will remember how we talked in the car on the way to school instead of always just listening to the radio.
Dotty won't remember how I had to kill myself to make it to her school functions and her sporting events. But she will remember that I was there...always.
Quality matters. I may not know who wins the Voice. I may not see my friends as much. I may not ever see any movie above a PG rating for the next 5 years. But my kid will know that she was more important to me than all of that combined times a million.
I can't be with my child every night or every morning. A part of me hates that. But the nights and mornings I can be there will be good ones...for both Dotty and me.
Because when it all comes down to how Dotty remembers her childhood 20 years from now I hope she will remember that I was there...I was present...I was in the moment. I hope she remembers more of "what was" than "what wasn't". I hope she remembers the hugs, the kisses, the laughs, the giggles, the snuggles, the bedtime stories, the talks, the silly dances, the traditions...I hope she remembers the memories...the moments...that we made...and I hope she loves and cherishes them as much as I will.
I may not have a lot of children (quantity) but I have one really great one (quality) and I plan to make the most of every moment with her.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Prayers for Patsy...
Many times as a parent I wonder if the things I am saying are getting through the pretty head of my little girl. I seem to say the same things over and over and over again. I have to constantly remind Dotty to put away her shoes, pick up her toys, brush her teeth, say "please" and "thank you", have patience, try harder to color in the lines, stop talking in class, at bedtime, when others are talking, with her mouth full, during prayers (my girl likes to talk)...and so forth and so on.
Thankfully I was reminded that some things are getting through. The things that really matter in life...like caring for others and having a strong relationship with God and Jesus Christ...have started to grow and blossom inside her.
Yesterday afternoon when I told Dotty that Patsy had passed away Dotty cried for several minutes. She loved Patsy dearly and she was sad to know that her friend would no longer be around to sing and dance with, plant flowers with, or talk about how you can never have too much jewelry or lipstick on at any given occasion.
I tried to explain to Dotty that Patsy had been very sick and that we should be glad she was no longer in pain and that she got to go home to Heaven to see her friends and family who were already there. Dotty asked a lot questions about Heaven...some of them I knew and some of them I didn't. But what I did know and could tell her was that there were no tears in Heaven and Patsy was not in pain anymore. I knew for sure Patsy was glad to be there.
Then Dotty asked about Patsy's daughter Judy...she asked if Judy was sad. I told her I was sure she was. All daughters love their mothers and are sad to see them go. Next Dotty asked about her Memaw. I knew my mom was having a hard time with losing Patsy and I told Dotty Memaw was very sad but she would be fine in time.
Lastly...Dotty asked if we could say a prayer for Patsy...
With tears getting close to the surface I asked Dotty if she wanted to say the prayer of if she wanted me to. Dotty said she would do it.
We bowed our heads, clasped our hands, and in a few short sentences my child showed me what it is like to have the faith of child...the kind of faith I strive for daily...simple and pure.
Dotty said...
"Dear Lord, Please watch over Pasty as she goes to Heaven today. Make sure she has a nice house with lots of flowers and have all her friends and family there to welcome her Home. Please help Judy and Memaw and all Patsy's friends to not be sad anymore. And tell Patsy I love her and I will see her in Heaven one day. Amen."
Well of course the tears were pouring from my eyes by the end. I was so touched by Dotty's sweet words. I was so proud too. While she herself was really sad about Patsy's passing she was also really concerned about others...especially Judy and Memaw.
And the best part of all was Dotty knew that in life when things are hard and times are sad it is always best to go to God. Of all the things I have tried to teach Dotty prayer is one of the most important things I hope she will learn. I may not can quote scripture. I may not know all the books of the Old Testament. I may not have all the answers. But what I do know is that I am a child of God. I am loved by Him. And He is there for me in good times and in bad. I know that God listens even when He does not give me an answer...or perhaps the answer I want.
Dotty too knows that she is loved by God and that she can talk to Him whenever she needs to.
When Dotty opened her eyes after her prayer she wasn't crying anymore. I, on the other hand, was almost sobbing. Dotty leaned in to hug me and patted my back and said "It is okay Mommy."
It will be okay. We will all move on from losing Patsy because Patsy would want us to. She loved life and she lived it to the fullest.
Not to mention Dotty will be okay...she will miss Pasty but she will have wonderful memories to cherish. And Dotty will be just fine in life as well. She has a strong sense of faith...she has a loving heart...and she has me (and many others) to help to guide her along her journey. She may forget to brush her teeth some days...and she may get in trouble for talking at wrong times every now and then...but as long as she keeps talking to God...she will be more than okay. She will be blessed.
Thankfully I was reminded that some things are getting through. The things that really matter in life...like caring for others and having a strong relationship with God and Jesus Christ...have started to grow and blossom inside her.
Yesterday afternoon when I told Dotty that Patsy had passed away Dotty cried for several minutes. She loved Patsy dearly and she was sad to know that her friend would no longer be around to sing and dance with, plant flowers with, or talk about how you can never have too much jewelry or lipstick on at any given occasion.
I tried to explain to Dotty that Patsy had been very sick and that we should be glad she was no longer in pain and that she got to go home to Heaven to see her friends and family who were already there. Dotty asked a lot questions about Heaven...some of them I knew and some of them I didn't. But what I did know and could tell her was that there were no tears in Heaven and Patsy was not in pain anymore. I knew for sure Patsy was glad to be there.
Then Dotty asked about Patsy's daughter Judy...she asked if Judy was sad. I told her I was sure she was. All daughters love their mothers and are sad to see them go. Next Dotty asked about her Memaw. I knew my mom was having a hard time with losing Patsy and I told Dotty Memaw was very sad but she would be fine in time.
Lastly...Dotty asked if we could say a prayer for Patsy...
With tears getting close to the surface I asked Dotty if she wanted to say the prayer of if she wanted me to. Dotty said she would do it.
We bowed our heads, clasped our hands, and in a few short sentences my child showed me what it is like to have the faith of child...the kind of faith I strive for daily...simple and pure.
Dotty said...
"Dear Lord, Please watch over Pasty as she goes to Heaven today. Make sure she has a nice house with lots of flowers and have all her friends and family there to welcome her Home. Please help Judy and Memaw and all Patsy's friends to not be sad anymore. And tell Patsy I love her and I will see her in Heaven one day. Amen."
Well of course the tears were pouring from my eyes by the end. I was so touched by Dotty's sweet words. I was so proud too. While she herself was really sad about Patsy's passing she was also really concerned about others...especially Judy and Memaw.
And the best part of all was Dotty knew that in life when things are hard and times are sad it is always best to go to God. Of all the things I have tried to teach Dotty prayer is one of the most important things I hope she will learn. I may not can quote scripture. I may not know all the books of the Old Testament. I may not have all the answers. But what I do know is that I am a child of God. I am loved by Him. And He is there for me in good times and in bad. I know that God listens even when He does not give me an answer...or perhaps the answer I want.
Dotty too knows that she is loved by God and that she can talk to Him whenever she needs to.
When Dotty opened her eyes after her prayer she wasn't crying anymore. I, on the other hand, was almost sobbing. Dotty leaned in to hug me and patted my back and said "It is okay Mommy."
It will be okay. We will all move on from losing Patsy because Patsy would want us to. She loved life and she lived it to the fullest.
Not to mention Dotty will be okay...she will miss Pasty but she will have wonderful memories to cherish. And Dotty will be just fine in life as well. She has a strong sense of faith...she has a loving heart...and she has me (and many others) to help to guide her along her journey. She may forget to brush her teeth some days...and she may get in trouble for talking at wrong times every now and then...but as long as she keeps talking to God...she will be more than okay. She will be blessed.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Sooooo...it wasn't so bad afterall...
The best thing about the first day of school is it is so hectic and crazy that if you get caught up in the whirlwind of new clothes, shoes, and backpacks...taking pics in the backyard with the cute signs...without the cute signs...funny pics...serious pics...the "I have had enough" pics...getting all the school forms signed...taking pics by the car (because that is what Memaw did to Mommy every year)...running late...forgetting the name tag...taking pics outside the school...inside the school...in the hallway...
When it comes time to actually do the "have a great day...you will be great" part...it is hard to get all emotional...
Combine that with my kiddo who was so excited about meeting new friends, seeing new classrooms, and just experiencing everything about Kindergarten that she could barely hug and kiss me good-bye...
The end result is a Mom who could cry if I really sat and thought about it...but after seeing all of Dotty's excitement I chose to be excited instead of sad.
I am so thankful I am raising an independent, self-confident, fun loving, life living, friend making, risk taking, no fear kind of girl.
She is so amazing.
As I watched her take it all in today...and as I saw her so excited to start this new adventure...I couldn't help but bust with pride.
My Dotty has always been so full of life and has a true joy for living it...and that includes going off to Kindergarten.
So how can a Mom cry over something as wonderful as that?!?! Truth is...you just can't help but smile! :)
When it comes time to actually do the "have a great day...you will be great" part...it is hard to get all emotional...
Combine that with my kiddo who was so excited about meeting new friends, seeing new classrooms, and just experiencing everything about Kindergarten that she could barely hug and kiss me good-bye...
The end result is a Mom who could cry if I really sat and thought about it...but after seeing all of Dotty's excitement I chose to be excited instead of sad.
I am so thankful I am raising an independent, self-confident, fun loving, life living, friend making, risk taking, no fear kind of girl.
She is so amazing.
As I watched her take it all in today...and as I saw her so excited to start this new adventure...I couldn't help but bust with pride.
My Dotty has always been so full of life and has a true joy for living it...and that includes going off to Kindergarten.
So how can a Mom cry over something as wonderful as that?!?! Truth is...you just can't help but smile! :)
Sunday, August 25, 2013
The Night Before Kindergarten
Tomorrow will be Dotty's first day of Kindergarten at Iowa Park Kidwell Elementary.
Where did the last 5 (almost 6) years go?!?!
I swear I can still remember the night before Dotty was born. I was nervous...excited...and ready!
Tonight once again...I am nervous...excited...but I am not sure if I am ready.
As a mother I can't help but worry about Dotty...it is what we mothers do best I think. I worry she will not find her way around school. I worry she will not make any new friends (although if I were being totally honest my child could make friends with a rock so this is really not that big of a worry). I worry a kid might be mean to her. I worry she might be mean to a kid. I worry she will miss me. I worry she won't miss me. I worry she will struggle. I worry she will not challenge herself enough. I worry she will get hurt, get sick, get tired, or even worse...get a boyfriend!!! I worry about ALL of it and more!
Then again I think of all the moms, dads, and folks in general that don't get to have this night...for one reason or another...and I thank God for the opportunity to worry about my child's first day of Kindergarten. I thank God for every moment of every day for the gift that is my Dotty.
Tomorrow will be both a happy and sad day...for me...and a day of new beginnings for both of us. Tomorrow I will watch Dotty head into a classroom to start school...and I will watch her do that year after year for many years...God willing.
Tomorrow I will smile and take pictures (too many for Dotty I have no doubts)...I will wish her luck and tell her she will do great...I will tell her to have fun and that I will see her soon. I will do all this without a crack in my voice...without a tear in my eye...without a single sign of sadness.
Then I will go back to my car and I will cry my eyes out. I will cry tears of sadness for my baby not being a baby anymore...for years gone by too fast...and for all the times I didn't pause to bask in the blessing that comes with each child. And I will cry tears of joy...for having a happy, healthy Kindergartner. I will cry as all proud mommas cry when their hearts burst with pride. I will cry for both Dotty and me...for the journey we have made so far and for the one still ahead of us.
Simply put...I am going to do one of those "ugly cries"...and I have no doubts it will not be pretty.
And when the time comes to pick her up at the end of her day...once again I will have a smile on my face and there will be no sign of tears. Because that is what moms do. Moms hold it together when we need to...and we let it all out when we have time to...we are both strong and weak...but we know there is a time and place for both.
Some day I will tell Dotty about how hard it was to let her go to Kindergarten...perhaps when she is about to send her own child off for the first day of school...but whenever the time comes it will be a long time in the future...because tomorrow is a day to celebrate.
Tomorrow Dotty reaches a milestone...one of many!
Where did the last 5 (almost 6) years go?!?!
I swear I can still remember the night before Dotty was born. I was nervous...excited...and ready!
Tonight once again...I am nervous...excited...but I am not sure if I am ready.
As a mother I can't help but worry about Dotty...it is what we mothers do best I think. I worry she will not find her way around school. I worry she will not make any new friends (although if I were being totally honest my child could make friends with a rock so this is really not that big of a worry). I worry a kid might be mean to her. I worry she might be mean to a kid. I worry she will miss me. I worry she won't miss me. I worry she will struggle. I worry she will not challenge herself enough. I worry she will get hurt, get sick, get tired, or even worse...get a boyfriend!!! I worry about ALL of it and more!
Then again I think of all the moms, dads, and folks in general that don't get to have this night...for one reason or another...and I thank God for the opportunity to worry about my child's first day of Kindergarten. I thank God for every moment of every day for the gift that is my Dotty.
Tomorrow will be both a happy and sad day...for me...and a day of new beginnings for both of us. Tomorrow I will watch Dotty head into a classroom to start school...and I will watch her do that year after year for many years...God willing.
Tomorrow I will smile and take pictures (too many for Dotty I have no doubts)...I will wish her luck and tell her she will do great...I will tell her to have fun and that I will see her soon. I will do all this without a crack in my voice...without a tear in my eye...without a single sign of sadness.
Then I will go back to my car and I will cry my eyes out. I will cry tears of sadness for my baby not being a baby anymore...for years gone by too fast...and for all the times I didn't pause to bask in the blessing that comes with each child. And I will cry tears of joy...for having a happy, healthy Kindergartner. I will cry as all proud mommas cry when their hearts burst with pride. I will cry for both Dotty and me...for the journey we have made so far and for the one still ahead of us.
Simply put...I am going to do one of those "ugly cries"...and I have no doubts it will not be pretty.
And when the time comes to pick her up at the end of her day...once again I will have a smile on my face and there will be no sign of tears. Because that is what moms do. Moms hold it together when we need to...and we let it all out when we have time to...we are both strong and weak...but we know there is a time and place for both.
Some day I will tell Dotty about how hard it was to let her go to Kindergarten...perhaps when she is about to send her own child off for the first day of school...but whenever the time comes it will be a long time in the future...because tomorrow is a day to celebrate.
Tomorrow Dotty reaches a milestone...one of many!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
In honor of "My Brittany"...one of the best stepmoms I know...
Today I want to give a special tribute to Brittany. She and Tony are getting married today and thus she will "officially" be Dotty's stepmom. But Brittany has been more than just a stepmom to Dotty for a long time now.
For a while when people would ask Dotty who Brittany was in relation to Dotty...Dotty would simply reply "My Brittany".
Several times when Dotty had "Mom's Night" or "Dad's Night" at school Dotty would ask me "When is there going to be a "Brittany's Night?"
Dotty has loved Brittany from the beginning...and to this Mom's joy and delight...the feeling is absolutely reciprocated on Brittany's end.
Brittany has always shown Dotty unconditional love and that is all I could ever ask for from anyone who is in my child's life.
But on top of that...Brittany has also shown me unconditional love...not to mention respect and friendship. Brittany never tries to be "the mom" to Dotty. She has never once stepped on my toes when it comes to parenting choices or decisions. She always keeps me in the loop. She is so supportive of the non-traditional co-parenting relationship Tony and I have and best of all...Brittany is the sweetest thing on earth.
I always say if I had met her earlier in life we would have been good friends...luckily we are now good friends AND parents to Dotty.
I know we five (Tony, Brittany, Dylann, Dotty, and me) make quite a sight sometimes...and no doubts many people wonder how we make all this work. The fact is...we choose to make it work and one of the main reasons it works is because Brittany is so great.
Today Dotty will be one of the cutest flower girls on earth (her and Dylann will share this title).
While today is very special...I must say that Brittany has always been very special to me.
I wish Tony and Brittany nothing but the best...and a long and happy marriage. I know Dotty is one lucky girl to be loved by so many...especially by "her Brittany".
For a while when people would ask Dotty who Brittany was in relation to Dotty...Dotty would simply reply "My Brittany".
Several times when Dotty had "Mom's Night" or "Dad's Night" at school Dotty would ask me "When is there going to be a "Brittany's Night?"
Dotty has loved Brittany from the beginning...and to this Mom's joy and delight...the feeling is absolutely reciprocated on Brittany's end.
Brittany has always shown Dotty unconditional love and that is all I could ever ask for from anyone who is in my child's life.
But on top of that...Brittany has also shown me unconditional love...not to mention respect and friendship. Brittany never tries to be "the mom" to Dotty. She has never once stepped on my toes when it comes to parenting choices or decisions. She always keeps me in the loop. She is so supportive of the non-traditional co-parenting relationship Tony and I have and best of all...Brittany is the sweetest thing on earth.
I always say if I had met her earlier in life we would have been good friends...luckily we are now good friends AND parents to Dotty.
I know we five (Tony, Brittany, Dylann, Dotty, and me) make quite a sight sometimes...and no doubts many people wonder how we make all this work. The fact is...we choose to make it work and one of the main reasons it works is because Brittany is so great.
Today Dotty will be one of the cutest flower girls on earth (her and Dylann will share this title).
While today is very special...I must say that Brittany has always been very special to me.
I wish Tony and Brittany nothing but the best...and a long and happy marriage. I know Dotty is one lucky girl to be loved by so many...especially by "her Brittany".
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Just call me...
I have been called a lot of names in life...
At birth I was named Jill Pepper Montz.
My Grandma Montz liked to throw in an extra name on occasions when I was in a bit of trouble referring to me as Jill Pepper Marie Montz (her middle name).
Lots of my friends call me Pepper or Pep.
In sports sometimes I was just called Montz.
My uncle refers to me as JP.
My Dad likes to call me Sugar Pie.
In the past I have been called Sweetheart, Sugar, Sweets, Darling, Little Lady, and a few others by customers...some of them got away with calling me those names...some of them got corrected depending on how they said it.
Back in my hay day of sorts I got called names like Gorgeous and Beautiful from time to time.
Then there were those who were not so fond of me and I won't repeat the names they used.
But over the last few years I have been loving referred to many times by children (and even some adults) as Dotty's Mom.
This name above all others brings the biggest smile to my face and to my heart. I love to be known as Dotty's Mom.
Most importantly though...I love to simply be Momma.
When I hear that sweet voice of Dotty call out Momma...it is like music to my ears. (Of course when we are trying to get ready in the mornings and I hear MOMMA being shrieked at an octave only dogs and I can hear...for the 100th time in only 15 minutes...I do tend to think of the sound as less soothing than other times.)
Overall though I love to hear Momma being called out...whether it is to show me a drawing, to help her down from the trampoline, to kiss a boo boo better, to see a heart shaped rock, to calm her fears at night, to dance with her, to sing with her, to just be near her...being Dotty's Momma is the best name I ever got.
And it is a name I will forever be called.
At birth I was named Jill Pepper Montz.
My Grandma Montz liked to throw in an extra name on occasions when I was in a bit of trouble referring to me as Jill Pepper Marie Montz (her middle name).
Lots of my friends call me Pepper or Pep.
In sports sometimes I was just called Montz.
My uncle refers to me as JP.
My Dad likes to call me Sugar Pie.
In the past I have been called Sweetheart, Sugar, Sweets, Darling, Little Lady, and a few others by customers...some of them got away with calling me those names...some of them got corrected depending on how they said it.
Back in my hay day of sorts I got called names like Gorgeous and Beautiful from time to time.
Then there were those who were not so fond of me and I won't repeat the names they used.
But over the last few years I have been loving referred to many times by children (and even some adults) as Dotty's Mom.
This name above all others brings the biggest smile to my face and to my heart. I love to be known as Dotty's Mom.
Most importantly though...I love to simply be Momma.
When I hear that sweet voice of Dotty call out Momma...it is like music to my ears. (Of course when we are trying to get ready in the mornings and I hear MOMMA being shrieked at an octave only dogs and I can hear...for the 100th time in only 15 minutes...I do tend to think of the sound as less soothing than other times.)
Overall though I love to hear Momma being called out...whether it is to show me a drawing, to help her down from the trampoline, to kiss a boo boo better, to see a heart shaped rock, to calm her fears at night, to dance with her, to sing with her, to just be near her...being Dotty's Momma is the best name I ever got.
And it is a name I will forever be called.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Mother Knows Best...
"Dotty don't slide on those pillows across the kitchen floor. You are going to fall and bust your head open."
No busted head but a hard fall on the tushie.
"Dotty don't climb on your cardboard table. It isn't stable and it will fall over."
The table didn't fall but Dotty did...and almost through the window.
"Dotty don't walk on the foot rest of the recliner. It will not hold you and when your leg falls in it will close on it and that will hurt."
Mom in shower...Dotty screaming...Mom runs out of shower...Dotty's leg is caught in recliner...no breaks but a minor heart attack was reported.
"Dotty don't touch the end of the sparkler. It will burn you." - Tony said this one.
Burnt finger....check!
Why is it that kids just HAVE to try to do things even though we as parents tell them not to?!?!
Do they think we just don't want them to have fun?
Do they think we are being mean?
Do they think we are stupid?
I just worry some day I am going to be saying "Dotty don't drive too fast" or "Dotty don't text and drive" or "Dotty don't go to that party" or Dotty don't date that boy" or "Dotty don't jump off that cliff"
And she is not going to obey me and it will be too late.
I WORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
I know as parents we have to give them wings but sometimes I think I have given birth to a dumb bird...God love her!!!
Dotty just seems to feel the need to see for herself...to try it out. Tony says she isn't listening to us but I think she hears us...she just doesn't want to obey us.
A part of me wants my child to have an adventurous heart...to try new things...to have no fear...to seek challenges and rise to the occasions.
But a part of me wants to put her in a pink, padded bubble!
I love my sweet girl with every fiber of my being...more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone or anything. I think that is why I try to hold on so tight. I think that is why I fear the worst. I think that is why when I lay down beside her at night and she drifts off to sleep I cry a little bit every night...because as I watch her sleep I pray to God to never take her from me...I just don't know what I would do without her.
The truth is though I know that the tighter I hold onto her...the more she will push to get away. I have seen it with friends and even at times in my own life. I know that as a parent I have to let her go...let her live...let her soar...and even let her fall. I have to be there when it is good and when it is not so good. I have to give her a helping hand up when she needs it and I have to stand by and just watch during the times when she alone must pull herself up.
I think that is the hardest thing to do as a parent is to watch your children suffer in any way, shape, or form...but I know there are times when even as a parent all you can do is watch...and wait...and pray.
Some day I hope Dotty will be able to look back and say "You were right Mom." Heaven knows I said those words to my parents more than once!
I do think she is learning some good life lessons at a young age. I have no doubt the next 4th she will not be grabbing the ends of sparklers...she hasn't slid across the kitchen on pillows for many months now...and after Sunday night I highly doubt she will go anywhere near the recliner for a while. Some lessons we just have to learn the hard way I guess. Childhood is tough at times...and sometimes it is even tougher on the parent than it is the child!
No busted head but a hard fall on the tushie.
"Dotty don't climb on your cardboard table. It isn't stable and it will fall over."
The table didn't fall but Dotty did...and almost through the window.
"Dotty don't walk on the foot rest of the recliner. It will not hold you and when your leg falls in it will close on it and that will hurt."
Mom in shower...Dotty screaming...Mom runs out of shower...Dotty's leg is caught in recliner...no breaks but a minor heart attack was reported.
"Dotty don't touch the end of the sparkler. It will burn you." - Tony said this one.
Burnt finger....check!
Why is it that kids just HAVE to try to do things even though we as parents tell them not to?!?!
Do they think we just don't want them to have fun?
Do they think we are being mean?
Do they think we are stupid?
I just worry some day I am going to be saying "Dotty don't drive too fast" or "Dotty don't text and drive" or "Dotty don't go to that party" or Dotty don't date that boy" or "Dotty don't jump off that cliff"
And she is not going to obey me and it will be too late.
I WORRY ABOUT THAT!!!
I know as parents we have to give them wings but sometimes I think I have given birth to a dumb bird...God love her!!!
Dotty just seems to feel the need to see for herself...to try it out. Tony says she isn't listening to us but I think she hears us...she just doesn't want to obey us.
A part of me wants my child to have an adventurous heart...to try new things...to have no fear...to seek challenges and rise to the occasions.
But a part of me wants to put her in a pink, padded bubble!
I love my sweet girl with every fiber of my being...more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone or anything. I think that is why I try to hold on so tight. I think that is why I fear the worst. I think that is why when I lay down beside her at night and she drifts off to sleep I cry a little bit every night...because as I watch her sleep I pray to God to never take her from me...I just don't know what I would do without her.
The truth is though I know that the tighter I hold onto her...the more she will push to get away. I have seen it with friends and even at times in my own life. I know that as a parent I have to let her go...let her live...let her soar...and even let her fall. I have to be there when it is good and when it is not so good. I have to give her a helping hand up when she needs it and I have to stand by and just watch during the times when she alone must pull herself up.
I think that is the hardest thing to do as a parent is to watch your children suffer in any way, shape, or form...but I know there are times when even as a parent all you can do is watch...and wait...and pray.
Some day I hope Dotty will be able to look back and say "You were right Mom." Heaven knows I said those words to my parents more than once!
I do think she is learning some good life lessons at a young age. I have no doubt the next 4th she will not be grabbing the ends of sparklers...she hasn't slid across the kitchen on pillows for many months now...and after Sunday night I highly doubt she will go anywhere near the recliner for a while. Some lessons we just have to learn the hard way I guess. Childhood is tough at times...and sometimes it is even tougher on the parent than it is the child!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day 2013
This is officially my 6th Mother's Day to actually "be" a mother. The very first one back in 2007 Dotty was still "cooking" inside me...but hey...that counts!!! That Mother's Day of '07 was a great one. I was super excited...super nervous...and already super big! (And I had 4 more months to go!)
Now Mother's Day '08 was a bit different. At that point Dotty would have been 8 months old...she was still not sleeping through the night and I had more than once thought about inquiring what the hospital's "return policy" was in regards to babies! Overall it was great though...being a "new" mom was fun, exciting, and tiring...but it was the best job I had ever had.
Mother's Day '09 and '10 were still a bit rough...Dotty was STILL not sleeping all the way through the night. (So if you are counting...yes...she was pushing 3 years old at that point.) I was definitely sleep deprived and life had had its ups and downs. Overall it was great though...being a "not so new" mom was fun, exciting, and tiring...but it was still the best job I had ever had.
Mother's Day '11 was WAY better. Dotty finally started sleeping through the night when she was almost 3 years old. I was a whole new woman once this started happening. She would still wake up once or twice but nothing like the years before when it was almost every hour! Life was getting into a routine. We were living in Wichita. We loved our house. Life was good. Overall it was great...being a "not new at all" mom was fun, exciting, and still tiring...but it was STILL the best job I had ever had.
Mother's Day '12 and '13 were the best. Dotty sleeps AWESOME now. She hardly ever wakes up. She is a funny, sweet, beautiful, 5 year old...going on 6 (going on 16 sometimes). I love each and every moment with her. Overall it is GREAT...being a mom is fun, exciting, and still tiring (because Dotty is one busy girl)...but it is STILL...and always will be...the best job I have EVER had.
When Dotty was born I thought...I don't know that I can do this. There was no manual. No one really sat down and gave me a step-by-step rundown as to how this whole mom/baby thing worked. I was just supposed to "know". And the amazing thing is...in a way...I did. The greatest miracle in having a child is not so much the "birth" itself...although that still amazes me...but to me the greatest miracle is that God somehow just helps you to "know".
You see I was not a "baby person" before Dotty. In fact...I didn't even like most kids. I was scared to death I was going to scar Dotty for life in the first week of her life.
But I didn't.
When she cried as a baby...somehow I knew what she needed...(although sometimes it was a bit of trial and error at first). Now when she cries...I know what she needs. Dotty cries when she is tired, hungry, mad, sad, or frustrated...and during all those events I generally know how to fix it...with a nap, food, a hug or a kiss, some kind words, a little encouragement, or just a shoulder to cry on...but always I give it all with love.
Back on Mother's Day 2007 I was still wondering a bit if I could be a mom. Now...6 years later...I know I was meant to be a mom. Dotty's mom.
Now Mother's Day '08 was a bit different. At that point Dotty would have been 8 months old...she was still not sleeping through the night and I had more than once thought about inquiring what the hospital's "return policy" was in regards to babies! Overall it was great though...being a "new" mom was fun, exciting, and tiring...but it was the best job I had ever had.
Mother's Day '09 and '10 were still a bit rough...Dotty was STILL not sleeping all the way through the night. (So if you are counting...yes...she was pushing 3 years old at that point.) I was definitely sleep deprived and life had had its ups and downs. Overall it was great though...being a "not so new" mom was fun, exciting, and tiring...but it was still the best job I had ever had.
Mother's Day '11 was WAY better. Dotty finally started sleeping through the night when she was almost 3 years old. I was a whole new woman once this started happening. She would still wake up once or twice but nothing like the years before when it was almost every hour! Life was getting into a routine. We were living in Wichita. We loved our house. Life was good. Overall it was great...being a "not new at all" mom was fun, exciting, and still tiring...but it was STILL the best job I had ever had.
Mother's Day '12 and '13 were the best. Dotty sleeps AWESOME now. She hardly ever wakes up. She is a funny, sweet, beautiful, 5 year old...going on 6 (going on 16 sometimes). I love each and every moment with her. Overall it is GREAT...being a mom is fun, exciting, and still tiring (because Dotty is one busy girl)...but it is STILL...and always will be...the best job I have EVER had.
When Dotty was born I thought...I don't know that I can do this. There was no manual. No one really sat down and gave me a step-by-step rundown as to how this whole mom/baby thing worked. I was just supposed to "know". And the amazing thing is...in a way...I did. The greatest miracle in having a child is not so much the "birth" itself...although that still amazes me...but to me the greatest miracle is that God somehow just helps you to "know".
You see I was not a "baby person" before Dotty. In fact...I didn't even like most kids. I was scared to death I was going to scar Dotty for life in the first week of her life.
But I didn't.
When she cried as a baby...somehow I knew what she needed...(although sometimes it was a bit of trial and error at first). Now when she cries...I know what she needs. Dotty cries when she is tired, hungry, mad, sad, or frustrated...and during all those events I generally know how to fix it...with a nap, food, a hug or a kiss, some kind words, a little encouragement, or just a shoulder to cry on...but always I give it all with love.
Back on Mother's Day 2007 I was still wondering a bit if I could be a mom. Now...6 years later...I know I was meant to be a mom. Dotty's mom.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Memories...not Kodak...but mine
It was just about 7 months ago that Dotty and I went to Disney World. We just got back from Disneyland a few days ago. Both trips were great but both were very different from my point of view.
Back in September when we went to Disney World I had such high expectations for our trip. I had been to Disney World back in the early 90s. I did a lot of research online. I asked anyone and everyone what they did when they went to Disney World. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted more than the postcard...I wanted the 90 second commercial. I wanted the trip to be like you see on tv...nothing but smiles, laughter, hugs, and helium balloons drifting up as the fireworks went off.
The truth is we did have smiles, laughter, hugs, helium balloons and fireworks on the trip...but we also had stress, tears, and a few rough moments too. I promise you...in my mind Disney World was not the "happiest place on earth" but rather the "most bipolar place on earth" when it came to my kid...and every other kid in that park. It seemed liked a kid was either crying or laughing. It seemed like a parent was either smiling or yelling. It seemed as if everyone was either full of joy or full of disappointment. It was a strange thing to experience.
Personally, I was just pushing so hard for the "perfect" trip...I was forgetting to just enjoy the trip. And I don't think I was alone in this struggle.
I had planned for so long...to do so much...in a place that was so big...that was full of so much wonder...that I began to wonder if I had lost my ever loving mind by bringing my 5 year old to Disney World by myself.
Oh don't get me wrong...we did have fun...but it was tainted with stress and disappointment...not on Dotty's part...but on mine.
Now fast forward to just a week ago when we were in Disneyland. I had no idea what to expect. I had never been there. I didn't do much research at all besides a few pins on Pinterest. I didn't even ask too many people about their trips. I just talked to April (Tony's cousin) and made plans to meet up with her family while we were there for the weekend.
I made no reservations. I didn't book a single character dinner...or princess tea...or a day in the Boutique...I didn't do anything but get us two seats on an airplane, a hotel room, and a park pass. I didn't even look at a park map until the day we arrived.
You would think I would have been stressed due to my lack of planning...but it was just the opposite. I had a blast! Dotty had a blast! She said numerous times it was the "best trip ever"...and I know why...we had no expectations. In fact we had little than no expectations...I actually thought it would not be nearly as fun as Disney World because we were not staying in the Disney Resort...just a regular hotel a few blocks away...there were only two parks...not four...etc, etc.
Even though all this is true...Disneyland is smaller...it is only two parks...the main thing was I didn't try to turn this trip into one Kodak moment after another. I just let it flow. I didn't check my watch a million times to see which reservation we had next. I didn't check the map 100 times to find the best route to see the next character. Dotty and I wondered around...sometimes we were lost...and sometimes we found just the attraction we were looking for...and sometimes we found an even better attraction.
The best part of the whole trip was Dotty and I got to experience it all for the first time together! I didn't put any pressure on the trip and it turned out to be a great one!!! I have so many fabulous memories and none of them are "brochure" worthy...but they will look great in my photo albums...and when I am 80 I hope I will remember them all as Dotty makes plans to take her grandkids to Disneyland.
I hope she and I will always laugh about "bacon...cook it"...and the best way for waiting on a late bus is always upside down...and Oreo cookies can be breakfast, lunch, and dinner (just not in the same day)...and the best pretzels are shaped like Mickey Mouse...in fact everything is better when it is shaped like Mickey Mouse...and so many more!
I learned a lot on this trip. I learned I love California and if I ever move it is #1 on my list. I learned my kid is 5...she is not an actor in a commercial...she is not a model in brochure. She has moments of great joy...and she tends to cry when she gets hungry or tired (like her momma). I learned the best trips don't have to be planned out so well...sometimes the plan is to just go and see what happens. I learned I love my little girl more and more every day...well I already knew that...but somehow watching her watch Tinker Bell fly over the Disney castle as fireworks lit the sky...I realized it even more!
Back in September when we went to Disney World I had such high expectations for our trip. I had been to Disney World back in the early 90s. I did a lot of research online. I asked anyone and everyone what they did when they went to Disney World. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted more than the postcard...I wanted the 90 second commercial. I wanted the trip to be like you see on tv...nothing but smiles, laughter, hugs, and helium balloons drifting up as the fireworks went off.
The truth is we did have smiles, laughter, hugs, helium balloons and fireworks on the trip...but we also had stress, tears, and a few rough moments too. I promise you...in my mind Disney World was not the "happiest place on earth" but rather the "most bipolar place on earth" when it came to my kid...and every other kid in that park. It seemed liked a kid was either crying or laughing. It seemed like a parent was either smiling or yelling. It seemed as if everyone was either full of joy or full of disappointment. It was a strange thing to experience.
Personally, I was just pushing so hard for the "perfect" trip...I was forgetting to just enjoy the trip. And I don't think I was alone in this struggle.
I had planned for so long...to do so much...in a place that was so big...that was full of so much wonder...that I began to wonder if I had lost my ever loving mind by bringing my 5 year old to Disney World by myself.
Oh don't get me wrong...we did have fun...but it was tainted with stress and disappointment...not on Dotty's part...but on mine.
Now fast forward to just a week ago when we were in Disneyland. I had no idea what to expect. I had never been there. I didn't do much research at all besides a few pins on Pinterest. I didn't even ask too many people about their trips. I just talked to April (Tony's cousin) and made plans to meet up with her family while we were there for the weekend.
I made no reservations. I didn't book a single character dinner...or princess tea...or a day in the Boutique...I didn't do anything but get us two seats on an airplane, a hotel room, and a park pass. I didn't even look at a park map until the day we arrived.
You would think I would have been stressed due to my lack of planning...but it was just the opposite. I had a blast! Dotty had a blast! She said numerous times it was the "best trip ever"...and I know why...we had no expectations. In fact we had little than no expectations...I actually thought it would not be nearly as fun as Disney World because we were not staying in the Disney Resort...just a regular hotel a few blocks away...there were only two parks...not four...etc, etc.
Even though all this is true...Disneyland is smaller...it is only two parks...the main thing was I didn't try to turn this trip into one Kodak moment after another. I just let it flow. I didn't check my watch a million times to see which reservation we had next. I didn't check the map 100 times to find the best route to see the next character. Dotty and I wondered around...sometimes we were lost...and sometimes we found just the attraction we were looking for...and sometimes we found an even better attraction.
The best part of the whole trip was Dotty and I got to experience it all for the first time together! I didn't put any pressure on the trip and it turned out to be a great one!!! I have so many fabulous memories and none of them are "brochure" worthy...but they will look great in my photo albums...and when I am 80 I hope I will remember them all as Dotty makes plans to take her grandkids to Disneyland.
I hope she and I will always laugh about "bacon...cook it"...and the best way for waiting on a late bus is always upside down...and Oreo cookies can be breakfast, lunch, and dinner (just not in the same day)...and the best pretzels are shaped like Mickey Mouse...in fact everything is better when it is shaped like Mickey Mouse...and so many more!
I learned a lot on this trip. I learned I love California and if I ever move it is #1 on my list. I learned my kid is 5...she is not an actor in a commercial...she is not a model in brochure. She has moments of great joy...and she tends to cry when she gets hungry or tired (like her momma). I learned the best trips don't have to be planned out so well...sometimes the plan is to just go and see what happens. I learned I love my little girl more and more every day...well I already knew that...but somehow watching her watch Tinker Bell fly over the Disney castle as fireworks lit the sky...I realized it even more!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Don't run from the bad...Run to the good
I stopped watching the news several years ago. It was just too hard to see the hurt and the pain that seemed to be the only things that were shown on the news. (Although being the typical farmer's daughter...I do still DVR the news so I can see what the weather will be like...but that is another story). As Dotty got older I still continued to avoid the news but it was mainly because I didn't want her to see the terrible things that were being reported. Like a lot of parents I try to keep my kid in a bubble...in every way I can.
Of course after a while I realized that not only did I not watch the news on TV...I didn't read papers...I didn't look at the "Top Stories" on the internet...I didn't search out information in any way. Then I realized I was trying to keep myself in a bubble too. I was trying to shield myself from a world that seemed to be full of pain, agony, hate, destruction, war, violence, abuse.
Of course some things I could not avoid (after all...even ESPN talks about the REALLY big stories...even those not specifically related to sports). I have heard about the school shootings, North Korea, Sandusky, Tiger's 2 stroke penalty (okay maybe that one is solely sports), and just yesterday the Boston Marathon bombings.
Like so many of us when I heard about Boston I wanted to find my child...hold her and never let go. I wanted to go home lock the doors, close the blinds, and have all groceries delivered via internet shopping. I wanted to get inside my bubble and never leave.
But I couldn't do that.
Because today Dotty went to what will be her new school in the fall. Tony and I signed Dotty up for Kindergarten today.
I looked over at him at one point during the many papers we were filling out and asked "Can you believe she is already going to kindergarten?" He just shook his head and said..."no".
After Dotty had her evaluation (of which she came out...got her sticker...and proudly told us "I passed!") we took her to Sonic to hear all about what she did while we were filling out papers. She told us about counting numbers, knowing her letters, hopping, skipping, and all sorts of things. She said it with so much excitement and joy!!!
Just 24 hours earlier I was thinking seriously about home schooling my child and when I saw the joy on her face I thought...how could I take "life" away from her (nothing against home schooling...by the way).
Dotty is so excited to experience new things...to grow and learn and hop and skip...to LIVE.
At 5 going on 6 she has no fear...and that is a good thing. She doesn't know that there are people so full of hate that they kill innocent people. She doesn't know that the world is full of hurt and pain. All she knows is the world is full of joy and excitement...in her eyes that is all she sees (well that and the fact that the world is mostly full of not having to wear a uniform...she is most excited about that next year).
I can't put my child in a bubble because then she would miss out on so much.
The people who ran in the Boston Marathon were people who lived life to the fullest. I can't imagine running 26.2 miles. I can't imagine the dedication and the strength that it takes to do that. But those people that ran yesterday...they saw life not as a finish line...but as journey that never ends. And the people that were there to cheer on family, friends, and random strangers...saw that joy for life too. No doubt they could feel that joy coming off the runners as they headed to the finish.
I don't want Dotty to take unnecessary risks in life...but I don't want her to be afraid to run towards joy either.
This world does have pain, hurt, agony, hate, voilence, destruction, war, abuse...and so much more bad things. But it also has joy, peace, excitement, growth, love, healing, faith, perserverence, success, strength, grace, mercy and oh so much more.
Today I appreciated the day that was a big moment for my child. But I appreciated even a bit more because of what happened in Boston. It is sad that it takes tragedy to make us slow down and be grateful and thankful for the good times.
I will never know why bad things happen in life...especially things like Boston. But I know that I am not supposed to have all the answers. I also know that God gave us this life to live abundantly...that is what those marathon runners were doing and that is what I try to do every day.
Of course after a while I realized that not only did I not watch the news on TV...I didn't read papers...I didn't look at the "Top Stories" on the internet...I didn't search out information in any way. Then I realized I was trying to keep myself in a bubble too. I was trying to shield myself from a world that seemed to be full of pain, agony, hate, destruction, war, violence, abuse.
Of course some things I could not avoid (after all...even ESPN talks about the REALLY big stories...even those not specifically related to sports). I have heard about the school shootings, North Korea, Sandusky, Tiger's 2 stroke penalty (okay maybe that one is solely sports), and just yesterday the Boston Marathon bombings.
Like so many of us when I heard about Boston I wanted to find my child...hold her and never let go. I wanted to go home lock the doors, close the blinds, and have all groceries delivered via internet shopping. I wanted to get inside my bubble and never leave.
But I couldn't do that.
Because today Dotty went to what will be her new school in the fall. Tony and I signed Dotty up for Kindergarten today.
I looked over at him at one point during the many papers we were filling out and asked "Can you believe she is already going to kindergarten?" He just shook his head and said..."no".
After Dotty had her evaluation (of which she came out...got her sticker...and proudly told us "I passed!") we took her to Sonic to hear all about what she did while we were filling out papers. She told us about counting numbers, knowing her letters, hopping, skipping, and all sorts of things. She said it with so much excitement and joy!!!
Just 24 hours earlier I was thinking seriously about home schooling my child and when I saw the joy on her face I thought...how could I take "life" away from her (nothing against home schooling...by the way).
Dotty is so excited to experience new things...to grow and learn and hop and skip...to LIVE.
At 5 going on 6 she has no fear...and that is a good thing. She doesn't know that there are people so full of hate that they kill innocent people. She doesn't know that the world is full of hurt and pain. All she knows is the world is full of joy and excitement...in her eyes that is all she sees (well that and the fact that the world is mostly full of not having to wear a uniform...she is most excited about that next year).
I can't put my child in a bubble because then she would miss out on so much.
The people who ran in the Boston Marathon were people who lived life to the fullest. I can't imagine running 26.2 miles. I can't imagine the dedication and the strength that it takes to do that. But those people that ran yesterday...they saw life not as a finish line...but as journey that never ends. And the people that were there to cheer on family, friends, and random strangers...saw that joy for life too. No doubt they could feel that joy coming off the runners as they headed to the finish.
I don't want Dotty to take unnecessary risks in life...but I don't want her to be afraid to run towards joy either.
This world does have pain, hurt, agony, hate, voilence, destruction, war, abuse...and so much more bad things. But it also has joy, peace, excitement, growth, love, healing, faith, perserverence, success, strength, grace, mercy and oh so much more.
Today I appreciated the day that was a big moment for my child. But I appreciated even a bit more because of what happened in Boston. It is sad that it takes tragedy to make us slow down and be grateful and thankful for the good times.
I will never know why bad things happen in life...especially things like Boston. But I know that I am not supposed to have all the answers. I also know that God gave us this life to live abundantly...that is what those marathon runners were doing and that is what I try to do every day.
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