This too shall pass...

In writing this blog I have hopes that someday Dotty can read it. I hope this will be my version of a "baby book" for Dotty (since I have not touched her actual one since she was about a week old).

I write about a lot of things but not everything. I try to be funny (although many of my friends and family members will claim I am in fact not funny at all...I still try). I know in life things are difficult at times and quite often the only two choices are tears or laughter...I try to choose the latter.

Last night though was a time of tears for Dotty and there was nothing I could do about it. It was painful. While I don't enjoy writing about painful or sad topics I do want Dotty to know that there were tears, there were sad times, there was pain...but we got through it. We came out okay. We came out better, stronger, happier, and healthier.

Last night Dotty had a "dance recital". Tony, Nana, Memaw, and I all attended. It was very cute. Dotty was VERY cute.

Tony drove all the way in to see Dotty dance for maybe 5 minutes total. Then he and Nana took Dotty to eat and then he dropped her off to me at the house and he headed back to Frisco.

Dotty seemed fine at first but then when he drove off the tears started. She cried for over 20 minutes saying over and over and over again "I want my Daddy."

It truly broke my heart.

I am so glad Dotty loves her Daddy so much. And I am so glad Tony makes all the efforts he does to come see Dotty.

But last night was hard.

Dotty wanted nothing to do with me. She said she hated me (although I reminded her we do not use the word "hate"...I hated myself too).

She pulled away when I tried to hug her. She said she did not love me every time I told her I loved her.

So I did the hardest thing ever. I sat in the chair in the living room and let her cry it out. Listen to her call for Tony and hearing her sobs almost killed me.

I wanted to cry too (and a tear did fall) but I know that a child needs a parent who can keep it together when she cannot. I know a lot of Dotty's tears were because she was tired. I know she loved me she just missed her Daddy. So I sat and waited.

After 20 minutes she did cry out for me and I went running! I grabbed her up. Kissed her all over. Told her I loved her a million times. Told her I know she missed her Daddy. That it was okay to miss him. It is okay to cry and be sad at times because everyone is sometimes. I hugged her and told her she would see her Daddy soon.

Then I gave her a Christmas cookie and we took down several ornaments on our tree so we could "decorate" it again.

She was fine. I was fine. The moment passed.

It reminded me that everything passes. The good and the bad.

I won't lie to those of you who read this, to me, or to Dotty...this past year or so has been very hard for me, Tony, Dotty, and lots of people. This past year I have cried more than ever. I have fought back tears daily. I have hurt beyond any amount of pain I knew I could withstand.

I have learned a lot though. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined. That Tony is a better Dad than I ever imagined. That divorces do not have to be bitter and hurtful. That you can still love someone even if you can no longer live with them. That I have great friends and family. That I have the best little girl in the whole wide world (okay I already knew that last one).

Jeri tells me that Dotty won't remember these times and I know Dotty won't remember much. I have thanked God every night that all this happened when Dotty was little. I don't know what I would have done if she was 6 or 8 or 18.

The hard part is I will remember nights like last night. They will forever be printed in my mind and my heart.

I will also always remember the times I woke up with Dotty snuggled up to me...warm and sweet.

Like everything that too will pass. Before I know it Dotty will be too big to want her Mommy to sleep with her, she will be off at college, married, etc.

Everything passes...the good and the bad. It is up to us to enjoy the good and endure the bad. So far...so good.